Intuition Saved My Life

Chaos is the tornado of living life of what you were told, were shown, labeled, and were witness to. How can one see clearly or with vision when there’s crap flying everywhere? Your job, your kids, your family, your addictions, your fear, your ego, your depression, your anxiety, you’re to-do list, your friends, your boss, your co-workers…it’s no wonder there’s chaos. There’s no “you” in any of it! Where was this behavior learned? Was it imprinted or stamped on you inside or outside of the womb? Who decided this? When was this karmic debt laid upon you? Did you ask for this without asking? Was this in your DNA somehow? You make choices every day, what to wear, what to eat, when to wake up or go to bed, do I take this route or this one? Do I put in a solid 8 hours or 6? Do I go for drinks after work? Do I include some of “me” time? Where is the self-care of exercise, rituals, and routine? Do I eat healthily or not? Do I go to bed on time or stay up late watching TV? I didn’t see a lot of honoring of self (internal) I saw a ton of external and escapism crap, societal cues & habitual habits of a zombie. One who is “asleep” with no mind or a monkey mind? You’re detached or attached, black or white; there is no grey, no stellar gateway to nirvana. Note to self, this is not honoring self, but dishonor. God made you perfectly, somewhere along the way you were told/blamed/shamed/molded or scolded that you were not.

My life seems to operate from Chaos, I learned early in my life that was normal. But what is normal anyway, to me that’s a label or a box. The only one who loves a box is a cat or a child. My mother had many jobs, sometimes 3 at a time. Things were always changing; she ran a day home as well. So there were always kids around, never any peace and quiet. Maybe that’s why I love it now, I crave it. Our world has gotten so busy with work, hobbies, commutes, and family. No wonder we feel we are operating at level chaos, it feels exhilarating to get on the ride, it feels right in the moment because everyone else is doing it, but once on it’s hard and scary to get off. That’s your ego talking you into and out of getting off the chaos train. What is Ego? It’s what keeps you stuck, in chaos, in shame, in worry, in doubt, in blame, and in fear. My mom didn’t have the best life growing up, from being a foster kid of 12, barely having enough food in the home, going to school without shoes, and being a ward of the government, she learned to operate from what she knew. All she knew was lack & scarcity, fear and worry, never having or being enough. Now I understand, I didn’t before my spiritual awakening or leap into consciousness. Even now sitting here as I write this, it’s a very sad feeling, I have self-realization, I have empathy for my mom for the first time ever…So in many ways, this book is going to be about healing for myself, my family, my past lives, to heal and seal the karmic contracts. I feel I’m operating from Chaos sometimes, I now know that is my ego taking me back to what I know, what I have always operated from, like it’s a comfort thing, being comfortable is easy, going beyond your comfort is uncomfortable and takes strength, practice, courage, consistency, and determination. I know I have all those qualities, however, I tend to wobble depending on the situation, my mood, and what’s happening around me at the time. So I tend to lead with my emotions, when you know who you are and how emotion is a feeling and is fleeting – that will serve you well. If you wear your heart on your sleeve, are an empath, and have had issues with addictions, mental illness, and low self-esteem, then that’s a problem. I tend to have all these grandiose ideas, put them on paper, as a goal. I follow through with a few, get discouraged and give up. That’s why I’m writing this book, I know I have this in me, I have shit to say, I have a story to tell. Just like you do, everyone has a story inside; everyone has a voice that must be heard, speak your truth! I have a few goals; I want to help others with depression & anxiety through intuitive development. We are all intuitive; we all have clairvoyance (seeing/knowing) auras, a person’s energy, and a person’s vibes. We know when we feel good or not so good around others. I operate from unconditional love for everyone, including people that make me feel yucky. I always wish them love, light, and blessings and move on. I’m also an empath, meaning I feel all the feels, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I love being of service to others (to my detriment sometimes, as others tend to take advantage of me and sap my energy – those are narcissists) I’m also about energy, every thought, every word you speak or write has an effect on you and others. When your self-belief is low, it shows, like a big rubber stamp on your forehead saying “take advantage of me” or “I’m desperate for attention” or “I have no self-worth” my time isn’t valuable and I’m not important. That goes back to unhealed trauma from childhood or a recent, triggered repeating trauma. If your chakra, your meridian energy is low/blocked/dirty/unbalanced or overactive, then it shows up as well. It throws your whole body out of whack, your mind is cluttered, your body is failing you, your emotional wellbeing is fragmented and your spiritual being is operating from an Ego based level.

By all accounts, you’re operating from such a low, dark and desperate level. It’s like you have a spotlight on you for narcissists to see you from miles away, like you send out a homing signal or GPS for them to find you & suck the little bit of life energy you have left. I find mediation is 50% of the battle of your monkey mind, your reptilian mind, the negative Nancy or Ned. If you can let go of the shit, float, be quiet for at least 30 minutes a day, and reprogram your thoughts/beliefs/systems that are in place. This takes practice, commitment, and is part of your daily routine, sometimes multiple times a day. You will notice big changes, small incrementally, still leaps and strides. In your mind lies untapped strength, power and courage, and creativity. The art of being still and mindful is an art, a practice and you will find so much of yourself in there, and you’re lost self. I found myself through meditation, through struggling to let go of my ego, that’s the shadow self, that part you still embrace, it’s a part of who you are. Your ego made you safe and comfortable in your misery, your loathing, your negativity, your addictions, your traumas are your triggers. Unhealed trauma comes out in many different ways, making choices out of fear, scattered thoughts, and cloudy thinking. Depression is living in the past. Anxiety is living in the future. Then there’s PTSD, S.A.D (Seasonal affective disorder) Panic attacks, and more. At this rate, I will take 10 years to write a book because I allow my attachment to Ego gets the best of me. I’m trying to let go that I’m attached to anything or anyone. The world makes it known that in order to be successful you must have a great paying job, to have the fabulous vehicle, great credit, wonderful clothes, toys, vacations, family, relationships, retirement fund savings, etc. I’m $601 a month away from losing what I perceive to be freedom, a vehicle. It’s merely an object, a mode of transport to get around.

So why Am I attached to this, like it’s a status symbol, like I would be judged for saying I don’t have a vehicle? This is absolute garbage! I’m talking about letting go of old beliefs, old stories, old patterns, old routines. It’s time to shake things up, energetically. Jump up and down, dance, shake your hands, and shake your butt, whatever it takes to get that sticky crap off, change your perspective. Take yourself out of your self-imposed prison of worry/guilt/shame/blame/fear/doubt. How does this start? Family programming 0-7 years of age, family beliefs (victims of victims) the school system (a big one for me, I felt I didn’t belong there, I didn’t belong anywhere) TV/media (mainly negative, low vibe energy) Online/ads/billboards (look at us, the ego, you must have this) Society in general (that small talk about the weather, the neighbors, gossip, etc.) Sociality in society, your experiences in life (How I was bullied in school, shamed by teachers, got my period in 7th grade, wearing white shorts – so embarrassing! The list goes on, so many things!) It was like I had PTSD, I was always feeling traumatized, still am to this day, I feel triggered, it’s ridiculous! Start new daily habits (be present, in the now, not living in the past or worrying about the future) Come home to self, make peace with self. Faulty beliefs of self; attract shitty people, friends, jobs, bosses, relationships, lack, and scarcity. Ruminating on things that are bad? Does any of this sound familiar? 90% of the developed world lives like this! Focus on what makes us feel good, not bad! I was broke and broken, intense pain & suffering, I cried buckets/oceans of tears. Now I want to transmute my pain into power & love. Letting go of lower vibration emotions, it’s like we are hardwired for suffering and feeling bad! Low vibes include those emotions guilt/shame/blame etc. and alcohol/drugs/food/gossip/jealousy/comparison

Instead, focus on God, high vibe emotions, watch babies & children, animals, gratitude, someone you love, Yoga, meditation, hypnotherapy, EFT/tapping, counseling, nature, breathing properly (many of us hold our breath because we're anxious, let it go!) Qi-gong/Wim Hof will help with your breathing/breathwork. Use the breath to soothe ourselves, calm, lead us to the place with no thought and bliss. For me it’s found in writing, journaling, letting go & go within. Then there’s the inner child work, go back and speak to your younger self. Tell that child it’s okay, your loved, your safe, your accepted, your amazing, your worthy, I believe in you, we love you, give lots of hugs and sit with that child until you have a sense of connection again. Carry a picture of your younger self, especially when you’re choosing shitty people/food/drugs/addictions. Talk to them and find out why & that it’s okay, you don’t need to do that, you are enough just the way you are. If we don’t love ourselves, we choose things that are not our highest! Lack of self-love & suffering keeps you in that self-imposed prison! Then there’s diet, weight, something I struggled with since I was a child. 90% of what goes into your gut is linked to serotonin development, so the cleaner/fresher/healthier/high vibe it is, the better your mood will be! Then it’s cyclical, you will crave the healthy stuff and reject the low vibe stuff, the body remembers. The quality of my life with myself depends on the conversation I have with myself. Monitor your emotions of self and of others. Live and be present, don’t go to the past or the future, that’s where depression and anxiety live. Find out the root cause of your emotions, thoughts & how you speak to yourself. Let yourself know it's safe, it's ok! Active programming, I believe in you, I am worthy, I am enough, I am love, I am light, I am deserving, I am powerful.

Do this daily, tell yourself these things and more, I believe in you! That will program into the subconscious/change/reprogram the mind! Quality of sleep is important, 50% of people suffer from insomnia! Plan and prepare your sleep, dark and cool room, no TV, no screens or phones, no eating 4-5 hours before bed, earplugs, essential oils, prayer, reading, put on delta wave music to help with your brain waves, positive self-talk, give yourself permission to let go, it’s safe and I am enough! Stop the comparison; stop judging how good you are by how much money you make, what a crock of shit! It’s a farce; it’s a lie, its programming! Love yourself! Come home to self & identity. Know what your faulty beliefs are, become awake, stop unhealthy patterns, and step out of your unawakening dream. Reprogram faulty beliefs, find out where/who you truly are, learn how to love yourself. Forgiveness, forgive yourself & others, including family/friends/coworkers/bosses, etc. whoever wronged or hurt you.

Many of you treat yourself badly with relationships, money, jobs etc. It’s not your fault, we all make mistakes! Teenagers who have a home, all the food they could want to feed them for the rest of their life, money, jobs, cars, toys etc. & yet still unhappy & suicidal. Suicide amongst teens is the 2nd leading cause of death! That’s wrong, that’s broken, we need to unravel this, heal this before it becomes a stat for tweens or younger! Life is not about how much you accumulate, have you ever seen a Hurst with a U-Haul attached to it? I haven’t! We don’t take our shit, our belongings, and our money with us!?! Stop judging your success of your life, based on your bank account! Don’t be tied to the digits, Government is printing money, they are basically bankrupt! Gold isn’t even tied to our money anymore, it’s a separate commodity. I used to think what I made, how much money I have, my title or position in a company, my cars, my clothes, my stuff is who I AM – my soul, that makes me a bigger or better person. Like my sister says, she did some soul mapping and found that our family lineage hides or we have an inferiority complex. Meaning we act like we are so grandiose, better than everybody, or act like I’m more important than, to have all this stuff, these titles, that somehow makes me important, be seen, be recognized – I see that now comes from my childhood and made to feel small, to hide, that I didn’t matter. I was a bother, I was annoying or a hassle by my mom who was super stressed, overworked, struggling with some sort of mental health issues and unhealed childhood trauma. I’m struggling to write this book, to commit the time and the presence to do so. Although writing a book is always on my mind, in my forefront, I have committed 1 hour every day to write around 500 words at a time. This honors my true self, the self that wants to come out and help others through healing myself I will help at least 1 person. See that small part of me thinks only 1, why not think bigger and say 2 people! Or is that my ego, wanting to be seen as helping others so I look good, better, etc.

“God’s your only real parent anyways, you rest, you just rest” “God’s voice speaks to me all throughout the day” A Course in Miracles. Whatever feels right to you, I’m attracted to colors, to songs, to movies, to poems, to books, to nature, animals, sign, symbols, to certain conversations, I look to everything in the universe to inspire me, always go to the light. There’s a synergy & energy to foods that are higher vibration vs lower vibration. Look to things that appeal to you, are you drawn to certain colors, foods, smells, what feeds your soul, what’s your source of soul food, smile more, attracted to light (otherwise you’re a vampire) What do you believe in? Do you believe in yourself, your dharma, your light, God, spirit and more. I say start with you, go deep and find out where are the dark pieces and bits are. What are the dark spaces you hold; shine light on it. Acknowledge it, work through it, get help if you’re not sure how or where to start. Just start, notice what drains you, what inspires you, what lights you up, what takes you down? True freedom is a spiritual state of mind, a sense of independence, how can you if you don’t know who you are…I AM free! You are free! Look for the shiny parts of yourself, you will feel lighter; feeling like your soul is being fed. So you easily move towards that, move towards the light, your shifting dimensional frequencies from 3D to 5D – the stuff of this world 3D is heavy and dense. If you can get the feeling of light, you will raise your vibration, change your consciousness, dig into your subconscious; you cannot do this if you don’t know who you are. Your light = your true identity. Choosing to identify, who AM I? When we remember that morsel, how it tastes to our soul, helps us see who we truly are. Given your circumstances, you should be miserable to other people that are choosing to drink the punch of this world, a whole other level of insanity. I’m saying dig deep to get to the tough stuff, this requires courage to show up and get real. Real about whom you truly are, who you were always meant to be, somewhere along the way you forgot…you were told….you were shamed…you were guilted…you were made to feel less than. That’s an unhealed trauma, a trauma that’s worth uncovering, opening up, finding out where it comes from, forgive them and yourself, send love to it and release it. If you have to, do these multiple times as it shows up again, it’s there to show you something needs addressing, not dismissing. Love is often more invisible, life is more shallow. Grab it and uncover where it comes from, rinse and repeat until you no longer feel it, or triggered or going/living in low vibes or doing things that are not you!

Boundary setting is an advanced spiritual concept, people will start to be able to sense what you’re about, then they know what they can and cannot get from you. Be a rod of light, your center, your kundalini, that staff, that light, it supports me, my inner support, and my guide. You’re not clean and sober yet, I’m working at it, live in the light, not lying, not cheating, and living in your principles/morals - when all of a sudden it’s not an option. Learning to say no to the things that don’t resonate with spirit/light/with god. Don’t feed into the lies of the world. Own your own sense of who you are. I AM as god created me and I have no interest in anything else. I’m not still fighting my fears, I’m there, I’m free, it doesn’t matter, there’s no other option. That’s spiritual freedom, having an addiction is a false sense of freedom. That involves responsibility, getting to know yourself and nurturing your soul. People forget how, the quick out, winning arguments, can’t wait to die (no more pain/disease) Even death is a false form of independence, because on the other side anything unhealed emotionally comes back in your other life/reincarnation. I’m trying to change the vibe of the world, to stop people from drinking from the punch of the world. Find your own light, yourself, your unconditional love. You’re fighting the good fight, even dying knowing that you tried your best with the light, become an example for everyone else. Believe in who you are, believe in you, Be You! People are fighting themselves more than they realize, it’s always someone else (media, neighbors, family etc.) Viruses will treat you like Velcro, unhealed cells like untreated trauma/wounds. Ego is running the show or are you running? I believe ego runs many of our lives as a program. Like a routine, time to shake up the routine. Isn’t it time to try something different, to see things with new eyes, not skewed eyes. I fell off the treadmill exhausted, tired of chasing the preverbal golden carrot. Really was it golden or was it a reflection of the illusion I so desperately wanted to see? So many questions, that’s when the real soul’s purpose and journey starts. Surrendering to the universe, waving the white flag and saying ok, I’m here! I’m exhausted and I’m ready to listen, find the quiet white spaces in my mind’s eye to finally see the divinity that is who we all are. Really the universe was waiting patiently, holding space for you when you realize there is no more space and the dark matter, does matter, that’s where you shine light on it to be revealed.

So I know this to be true, Chaos was a reverberation of the ego, the false narrative, the broken programming, the virus of the mind that tried to swallow the soul. It almost felt like hell, that image of all the lost souls reaching out from the flames, help me, help us! Yes that was me; Responsibility tells me I created my hell. Now it’s time for me to realize heaven on earth. That heaven was always waiting for me to realize fully with new eyes, new vision, one eye, third eye diving deep into myself at every angle. Truly that is an image I want to imagine and deep dive into the soul pool.