I Woke Up Not Happy That I Am Alive

Monday morning was the first time in all of my over fifty years on the planet that I woke up not happy to be alive. I went to bed giving gratitude to my creator for another day.

I endured cruelty, hatred, and thoughtlessness as a child at the hands of those who should have loved and protected me, as they left footprints on my heart. I was still happy to be alive, and I didn’t even know life as yet.

In my teenage years, I raised myself. I am still raising myself along with my children and husband. As mothers, we think we get a break when our children are grown. Many of us get a break after death visits.

I have been to hell several times and managed to bounce back stronger, smarter, and more resourceful. I can go back to all of my pain and the cruelty humans have added to my life. Life showed me how to use forgiveness to cleanse my heart and get rid of all my regrets.

But I was always happy to survive it.

I have paid a high price for my kind heart that was broken and torn apart by 99.99% of the humans I share kindness with. I have days when I want to stop being kind, because it hurts to be generous when you live among humans who don’t know the value of kindness. My heart won’t let me.

I still woke up the next day, happy to be alive.

After tasting hatred, I was still grateful for life. I am now at a place where I have the time, energy, wisdom, knowledge, and common sense to see life as it unfolds. I hear what wasn’t said and see what should have been done. I can read emotions and minds through the actions, choices, and decisions of every human I encounter.

I should be happy to be alive.

I don’t have to beg or borrow. I can eat two meals daily and am in good mental health most days. My physical, psychological, and emotional health is good, too. I can pay my bills on time too. I have a guy who has loved me for more than forty years.

I have more than enough reasons to be happy to be alive.

Life was warning me that my day would be super challenging. And it was. The children I volunteered to help gave me a mountain of reasons not to go back and assist them. Most of them were disrespectful, disobedient, and mean on Monday.

No amount of kindness I gave impacted some of them’s hearts or actions. If they were adults, I would be convinced that they resent me. These are children I have given kindness and food to.

I help with schoolwork. Became a nurse, doctor, lawyer, teacher, therapist, psychologist, friend, and whomever they want me to be to help them. They poured their hearts out, and I listened. They always get the best from me.

Yet all the good I gave them had no value to most of them, and they showed it in their behavior towards me.

Life was telling me to stay home that day, but helping these children was the high point of my life. I look forward to going there two days per week. I love being around children and watching their faces when I explain a simpler, more innovative way to solve a difficult math problem. I had a lot of fun teaching them to read math. Many of them are learning and find reading math fascinating.

I pray I never feel that way again. I know life, I don’t know death.

What will become of our world when children don’t know or can’t identify love and kindness?

My brain can’t go on without pain. Imagine a world where hatred and cruelty are in every action, choice, decision, and intention of humanity. I don’t want to be alive in a world like that.

Thank you for reading this piece. I hope you enjoyed it.