I Need Bigger Dreams

I've had several hot drinks today, an array of tea's and a marvellous hot chocolate from the brilliant coffee shop on the corner. But not one of them has been a coffee. I love coffee but I'm having one of those funny days where even the little-ist bit of caffeine can spark a career change and a newfound belief that my destiny is to actually be a comedian. I'm still not sure if I'm in the right job? I mean it's a question you get asked all the time as though it is part of your personality 'So, what do you do?' very different question to 'So what do you want to be?'

When I was a kid/teenager/young person if you asked my what I wanted to be the answer was always the same. Happy. I wanted to be happy. And for most kids growing up with mental health issues the answer is normally something along those lines. To give you a quick overview, mentally ill kid, shit happened, sectioned at 16, released, no qualifications, a school that refused to let me back, and a family that was trying but was way out of it's depth, and not a whole lot of options.

And it was a rough couple of years not gonna lie, but then in spring early this year I walked home through the park from my decently paid job in film production, to my place in Greenwich where I rented a room in a mad and brilliant warehouse, on the phone to a friend who I had been mates with for what felt like forever. As I laughed and peacefully walked through what I think is the most beautiful park in London. I had the most shocking realisation, I was happy. Not happy in a fleeting manic sense, but content. I had somehow in the midst of an economic breakdown, while my parents were being priced out of their home, and while those around me were desperately tying to find work, or becoming buried in debt, or stuck in relationships that sucked the life out of them, or trading partners like Pokémon cards, somehow I had managed to build a life for myself that worked for me.

That's not to say that being in any of the situations above means you can't be happy, all I'm saying is I was very aware that the divide in London was growing, there were seemingly less opportunities from the outside. It did feel like the odds were stacked against me, whether or not that was true. All I heard was everyone saying how impossible it was to get into film and TV, and yet here I am. I'm not sure how really, I think maybe stubbornness, a fair amount of luck, a portion of white priviledge, some assumptions that I'm middle class and educated, and I want to say some skill but that could be wrong.

I don't know how, but somehow, deserving or not, I have ended up in this bizarre situation where I have actually achieved my childhood dream. I've had six full months to mull this over and still I'm stunned. And it gets weirder... since I had that shocking thought, my life has gotten better, I mean I don't quite understand it. I moved in to a flat with my best friend in central London, we throw parties, and cook for each other, I see him in plays, and occasionally on the telly. I have strong friendships, with people who I like and we joke around and go on holidays. I mean what the fuck?! How the hell did that happen? How on earth do I go from being the individual that alienated everybody in their life to the point that institutions that are legally bound to take care of you want nothing to do with you, to having healthy strong friendships with people I like, and who like me?

I've had a handful of panic attacks recently, one of which was at work and particularly bad but with the help of a friend at work and a couple of friends at home I managed to be ok. I cant believe that. I ask my friends for help and they help me. Being with them makes me a better person. Stronger. Kinder.

So that's where I'm at, I'm stunned. I have a home that is safe and warm. Friends who I love far more than I have ever told them. Relationships that I value enough to not fuck up. I am steady, and content, and on most days I know what happiness looks like. Not every day is like walking on rainbows, but I happen to enjoy walking in the rain.

So what the hell do I do now? I know for a fact that I need change to be content, and while this moment is working beautifully I'm going to need to switch up soon I'm feeling that itch, and I'm not sure how. Maybe this is it? Being honest by yelling into the void of the internet? One more voice spouting nonsense to make sense of their own life? Do I move countries? Jobs? Careers? Do I try and get a partner? Do I write? Do I become a stand up? Because I know I'm funny even if no-one else does.

Or do I just chill the fuck out?