I Have No Clue What I'm Doing

Fade in from black.

I'm your every day, average post-bachelor's degree plastic bag drifting through the wind. It's dramatic but realistic. I have no clue what I'm doing in my life, for the rest of the day, honestly even right now.

But I'm trying.

Good gravy am I trying. Self-help books, meditation, yoga, walks outside, motivational Youtube vloggers, keto diets, you name it. If it was an Instagram trend I've tried it for at least 12 hours before I crumbled under the pressure of my inner monologue telling me to bake brownies and watch Hulu until my eyes bleed.

And that's how most of my trying goes. I get really into it at first. The first time I try something I usually go super hard because I hype myself up thinking stuff like, it'll be nothing, you got this! or if she can do it for a 15 second Instagram video I can do it in 10!

Am I the only one who thinks yoga is hard?!

So I don't get on the mat every morning, brew all-natural tea, and get in touch with my inner spirit. I usually throw on a YouTube video and slug around the house like a zombie that got into a jar of Melatonin. But whenever I do get that mat out, or close my eyes and breathe for a minute, or take a longer route on my walk with the dogs, you better believe I pat myself on the back.

And I feel that it's important to mention that I don't take the dog for a long walk then come home and throw myself a party or binge on cheddar & sour cream chips—I talk to myself.

ALERT. CRAZY LADY.

Take a beat and think about it for a second. Everyone has at least ONE voice in their head that they can hear and talks to them directly. It's you. Some people say it sounds like their dad, or their boss, or maybe even God or separate personalities, but at least one of them and more importantly the one that matters is just plain old you.

That voice has been around forever and will be around forever. No matter how hard you try you'll never be able to lose yourself. Not if you surround yourself with people or lock yourself away. So why not engage it? If you're stuck in the buddy system for life you should embrace it not shove it away.

My inner voice is kind of like Marvel's Venom. I like to think I'm a nice person. I hold doors open and call my grandma frequently and I pay my taxes. But if you shoved a mic through my ears you'd hear vicious things that would make your skin crawl. Being my worst critic is an understatement—I am my own devil-on-your-shoulder.

It took me a while, probably around six months or so, to realize the darkness—the black—in my life was kind of my own doing. In a million ways and for a million reasons my inner voice was bullying me like a 13-year-old girl with issues of her own. And that's why I opened up this tab on Safari and starting typing.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I'm not alone. If not for just the sheer amount of people on the planet, then for the fact that day after day I open social media and see people 'negging' themselves, putting themselves down, shooting their shot at themselves before someone else gets the chance. And it's hurting us. Deep down into our souls. So if one person can relate to this, if one person feels a little less alone, I could feel pretty good about procrastinating my laundry typing this all out.

I hope you try to chat with yourself today. I hope you're a little more forgiving when you decide to sit on the couch and watch old vine compilations for an hour. I hope you'll come back and go on this journey with me to feel a little less like a piece of trash waving through the sky.

Thanks for reading <3