I Am Not Prejudice

I never anticipated acquiring a lifelong friend from a class of 9 people attempting to get through a Masters degree in education together. James Starks, Jr. and I met in an industrial complex used as a classroom by Southern Illinois University Carbondale. The classroom was in Riverside, California and the students from many counties in Southern, California. James and I lived in the San Diego area at the time and it was a 2 hour drive. We opted to stay over in Riverside on the weekends we were in school and this is where I met his lovely wife Kathleen.

Right off the starting line James and I gravitated toward one another. Our first class was in the Meyers-Briggs type identifier and our first assignment was, as a group assigned by the instructor, to name our group. We had taken the full version of the test and the one thing that stood out was that I was a P in a group of J's! Not only was I a P, but I was the most P anyone can be... I had zero J tendencies at all! So, we named the group 3 J's and P.

For those who don't know about the Meyers-Briggs type identifier, there are 4 main "types" that make up a person's personality or "type." The idea is that everyone has a preferred way they want life to flow. It involves how you use your perception and judgement. From the website https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/ "Perception involves all the ways of becoming aware of things, people, happenings, or ideas. Judgment involves all the ways of coming to conclusions about what has been perceived."

Part of being a "P" means that I never get done researching and each new "find" sends me off on yet more research. This propensity means I often can't get "it" done because I'm never finished finding all the facts. It also means I LOVE to procrastinate.. as I have done with this story. I have 4 days left at the time I started researching and writing about James. James is, of course, my opposite in this area. He tends to not do enough research. Finding a few things that will "suffice" and then going about "it" without all the information necessary. It also means that he is done with everything long before any deadline!

When our group started the necessary work in class, it became quite apparent to James that I speak my mind and don't take crap from anyone. For me, I noticed James' ability to get everyone to cooperate toward the common goal and his unfailing courtesy even in the face of a fellow student who was, to put it politely, challenging to work with. As with all life events, we had students drop out of the class and we ended up with a class of just 6. Fortunately, James and I had a few chuckles when remembering our difficult fellow student who, very early on, moved to the East Coast of the United States.

Through the 14 months of our Masters program, James and I became good friends. We spent our lunch times together with his wife and occasionally another student or 2 at a local Chinese restaurant. We came to rely on each other. James would always request I proof his work as I am a grammar Nazi and James would rein me in when I went down the 500th rabbit hole and couldn't figure out when to stop and do the assignment. During the many exchanges of email and in person conversations James and I had many discussions on race relations. One of our classes was specifically diversity. I can't stand diversity training. Every research paper I have read says these classes are not worth the time and money and some of them actually said the classes perpetuate racism.

I remember one lunch during the last few weekends of our study. We had a major issue with another student who was on our group assignment. We spoke of organization skills and the lack of anything remotely resembling organization of the 1/3 part submission we finally got from our fellow student. It was then that James and Kathleen told me they were starting business specifically to help others get organized. These 2 people were taking a huge leap of faith in each other and the people they intended to serve. James is a retired, 28 year veteran of the Marine Corp. and Kathleen was working in a dental office in management. The most profound thing I came away with from that lunch was to follow your dream. They told me it was scary... quitting a regular income and going out on their own. I thought them very brave, committed, and determined. A great combination for a personal business.

The discussions I have had with James on equality are truly mind blowing. I cannot begin to understand what it is like growing up in Flint, Michigan as a black boy. I grew up in a lower, upper class, white neighborhood. I couldn't understand why my neighbors were so upset when a mixed race couple bought one of the houses... after all, they are people too! This was when I was about 15 years old. My parents raised me to not see race. I remember going to a tennis tournament in Balboa Park when I was very young. We had Althea Gibson in our car and I was given a warning that I might here things that were not nice about our guest. Black folks weren't allowed to play on center court in a club we belonged to in Newport Beach until the mid 1970's and my parents took our black friends anyway and specifically made reservations for one of the 2 forbidden courts. I remember my father being pulled off the court by one of the club elders. We left with our friend shortly after that because my father wouldn't change courts.

I will often get a hold of James when I am struggling with race issues. I just don't get it. A human being is a human being. Race is a social construct and wasn't even a "thing" until the 1800's. The English are the biggest driving factor when race stopped meaning something benign and started being used to demean, separate, and exclude those deemed unworthy. James has always told me that the one thing that makes me stand out from others is that I don't see race. But I am in the class of privilege. This is where James has been a huge inspiration to me.

James has been in situations I cannot even imagine. Situations where he feared for his life. Simply because he is black and male. Additionally, he is in a mixed race marriage which adds societal difficulties. In 2020 race issues in the United States and the World came to a pinnacle moment with the death of George Floyd. Riots became the norm and politically charged the atmosphere to the point of further deaths all over the country. James started posting on social media multiple times a day of events and injustices. Along with everything else going on in the world, it was too much for me and I messaged him.

"I'm sorry I've been a bit of a distant friend lately (no pun intended). The world events are getting to me. I'm highly sensitive to all the hate & abuse going on and lately, even folks I've known a long time are at each other's throats about the current president, black lives matter, gun control... It seems that the world has gone mad & I sincerely hope you 2 are coping better than I!

I will never forget what he told me. He told me he doesn't have a choice to be tired and to stop engaging for a little break. He lives the race fear every single day. So I took a couple of days to really think about it. I mean, I really took it to heart. My inspiration, friend, confidant... James couldn't be anything but black in a society that still treats someone with skin of a different color as if they are animals.

I wrote the following on social media: "My friend James Starks Jr. Is beyond tired... But he doesn't have a choice to rest. Every damn day of his life he's faced with people who can't, won't, or actively choose to ignore that this country (and the world) decided that white males would dominate the Earth... and frankly, I find it beyond offensive that no matter what I do or say, the ideals I hold sacred (treating every human being with respect & dignity) are carelessly, no... are purposefully torn apart by those who deem themselves better. The American dream never applied to those who are not male & white... That includes me... A white woman. But even I don't fear for my life if a policeman stops me. That is privilege folks..."

James so inspired me by his declaration that I painted the picture in this story. My residence is now in Tobermory, Isle of Mull, Scotland. My town wanted to hold a protest in support of Black Lives Matter but COVID restrictions prevented us from gathering en mass. We held a socially distanced, weekend long showcase of the signs made by residents of the island. Most were cardboard signs with the usual words of solidarity. I knew I didn't want to spout platitudes on a cardboard sign. As per my Meyers-Briggs type, I procrastinated until 3 days before the protest and then I had my epiphany. I started painting rocks during lockdown. I had a stash of slate too. I went to my craft closet and the slate chose me and actually evolved as I painted it... as if someone else was guiding my hand.

James and I keep in touch though we are now an ocean away. We often reminisce about being the only 2 in our class to graduate on time. James got me through a couple of really tough times since we met in 2011. In our last semester my father was admitted to the hospital in Spokane, Washington and was in critical condition. James kept me sane and studying through a week of absolute chaos ending in my father coming home to California with me after my mother was incarcerated during his hospital stay. More recently, James was the spark of all that is good in my 28+ year world of emotional and financial abuse from which I left in December 2019. We were unable to have a last meeting before I got on a plane from San Diego to Scotland... but we will meet again when international travel is safe.

In the last few years, James and Kathleen have seen their business aspirations become reality. They donate 5% of the net profits to breast cancer and are highly active in assisting military who are transitioning to civilian life or to those in need. It is with great pleasure that I have been able to experience some of the joy James and Kathleen have had whilst bringing their business to fruition. Organizing Resolutions with Starks. Organizing your past, present, and future.