How I reparent myself through my pets Part 2

I didn’t realize how successful my first article would be. And when I say successful I mean that “How I reparent myself through my pets” has over 100 reads on Vocal. After writing it I realized I have much more to say about the subject so this is part two. I will explain more about the triggers that I have learned through my pets, how I have responded to them, and how I have learned and grown into being a peaceful and understanding person for my pets and myself.

Our pets have their own qualities, quirks, and characteristics and are by far more than “just a pet” by today's standards. We know what wine means they’re hungry, or a scratch at the door means let me in. They jump on the bed when we wake up and they comfort us when we are sad. They also have the ability to trigger our deep emotional responses in ways that cause us anger, fear, anxiety, and shame. We also create dynamics in our pets the same way we do with our children. Don’t tell me you treat your children all the same, believe me, coming from a home with two sisters we all have our own version of how we grew up. I can see this dynamic that I have instilled in my pets based on their personalities too.

I’m going to start with my oldest pet, Kiki. Kiki is a very special cat to me. She arrived at my back door four days after my beloved pit bull, Fuu, died. I truly believe she was sent to me because I needed her. She is a siamese mix with gorgeous blue eyes who is always knocking anything she can off the kitchen countertops.

Kiki is three, she mostly keeps to herself during the day and gets overstimulated with too much attention. She was the first pet that taught me the most about my behaviors.

She was kind of thrown into my spiritual awakening whether she liked it or not. It was at that time that I was really studying my emotional responses to trauma.

As I said, Kiki loves to push things off of countertops. While this activity seems to be normal cat behavior I was bound to get to the bottom of it and train her out of it. Yes, you read that right, I was attempting to train my cat out of a behavior that bothered me. At this point in my healing journey, I was still new and learning. I didn’t even consider that what Kiki was actually doing was communicating a need to me. I just knew it bothered me and I wanted her to stop.

Before I go on I just want to state that I believe this is a very relatable, human, reaction. If something or someone is bothering us in a way that triggers an emotional response and we act out on that emotion, the obvious answer is to make whatever is happening externally to stop. This example can explain how much control we believe we have over our external circumstances and expectations of others to make sure our emotions are being taken care of. But, if there is one thing that you take away from this article dear reader it is this; the only person responsible for our emotions and reactions is ourselves. However, this is not meant to victim blame. Terrible things happen to us that we had no control over and our emotional responses and behaviors were trying to keep us safe.

So back to this experiment.

I began to document every time Kiki exposed a behavior that I did not deem a good quality and needed to be fixed. For a while, her go-to was chewing on a posterboard in my kitchen and shredding it all over the floor. It was like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Let me tell you, even in the midst of my highly spiritual awakening and understanding of all life around me being conscious and alive and the world having a new meaning where daily I was given signs of being on the right track, feeling healthier and more alive than I ever had, but would get pissed when I heard her doing that. Y’all, Kiki kept me grounded!

I would get up from whatever I was doing to yell, stomp, clap my hands, anything to get her to stop chewing on this poster board. I also knew how I was reacting in the midst of my emotions and I felt so awful for choosing these actions instead of kindness and understanding. So I started a daily journal on her behavior, my reactions, how I was feeling, what was going on with me that day, my reactions, and a tally of her biting me, objects, and the poster board.

I made a podcast about it called “Slow Blink” which was abandoned at 6 episodes or so in. I do a lot of crying and air out my dirty laundry. It’s deactivated and I would have to pay $14 a month to reactivate it so let me know if you have any interest.

I learned some valuable information about Kiki during this and how I wasn’t respecting her boundaries. For example, Kiki is not the type of cat that enjoys a lot of physical attention and I am the type of person who loves to pet cats. I didn’t realize that overstimulation was a thing that cats had until I decided to pay attention to her actions of biting and scratching when I was petting her for too long. I learned that she needed more play time so I bought her toys and spent actual time with her running around the house in the dark like a crazy person. I learned that she loved to be told that she was a beautiful cat and that I loved her and she was my baby and we came to an agreement that I could kiss her on the cheeks and give her short hugs.

However, the most important thing I learned from Kiki is how I responded to her and what that meant about me and my childhood.

We learn from our parents, guardians, role models, and authority figures at a very young age about how to express our emotions. It was very clear to me that my reactions very much mimicked the reactions of my parents when I was a child.

I remember very clearly being eight and tired and not wanting to do anything but rest. My mother was gone and my father was watching us girls and was expecting us to clean up around the house for my mom. I come from a generation of kids called latchkey kids meaning that we were at home alone for long hours, raised ourselves, and had high expectations placed on us at a very young age. So when I say clean the house, that involved everything from washing the dishes, vacuuming, sweeping floors, cleaning bathrooms as well as our own rooms, and even folding our parents' laundry and putting it away for them. It was a lot to ask for young children ranging in age from 5-11.

I expressed my feelings of tiredness to my father and I was met with anger. He pushed his finger into my face and on my chest and I remember the back of my head hitting the wall. He told me he was tired of me not doing a damn thing around the house and that I needed to pull my weight. He pointed in the direction he wanted me to go, told me to stop crying or he would give me something to cry about and that was that. And that was my childhood.

I could see how my expectations for my pets had been embedded in me throughout my childhood so it was no wonder I met every inconvenience with anger and frustration. It was also the way I governed myself when I was met with something I didn’t understand, or I needed rest, or if I made a mistake.

We hide a lot of our internal criticism but it's made painfully clear when we are able to see what is in the shadows of our past. You can see this in the way people treat their own pets or children or even their spouses and friends.

This awakening really does that, it opens your eyes to the actions and behaviors of others and you begin to see where they are holding their trauma and how they were treated as a child. For example, my ex often expected my dog to just be good without any training or interaction on his own. Even when I told him what to do and how to do it, he would often get frustrated and angry and storm away from the dog and me.

You can probably tell that he was left alone and expected to be responsible for the emotions of his parents. But in turn, it’s likely that he has high expectations that he puts on himself and does not allow himself to make mistakes. I wonder how many times his parents walked out on him instead of giving him the patience and love he deserved.

I have always been hard on myself. I have gone through most of my life believing I’m not worth a damn, special, or important, and at the tender age of eight years old, I considered ending my life. I have been told I am sensitive and emotional but have never felt secure enough in any relationship to express my true emotions. It’s a journey folks, I’ve come a long way and I’m still on the path.

It’s a cycle you see. My parents were parenting the same way they were parented because they didn’t know any better. They didn’t have role models to show them kindness, understanding, and patience so how could they be with us? They were children too, they were hurting and in their own way, they were healing. I have forgiven my parents because I know they were doing the best they could for what information they had. But the forgiveness is for me, to be able to move on and live my life out of their shadows of fear, rejection, and shame.

If I had recorded my actions at the time I was working with Kiki, I could have seen the facial structure, and postures and heard the voices of my parents come out of my mouth. My expectation of Kiki was to stop doing what you are doing, be quiet, and don’t bother me. As I mentioned before though, I knew exactly what I was doing at the time I was doing it. So, how did I overcome it?

I started paying attention to Kiki and her cues as well as the sensations in my body when I was triggered.

Anger was my first emotion to go to and it was 0-100 in an instant. So it took a lot of patience for me which as you can imagine, was very difficult seeing as I am my own worst critic when it comes to making mistakes.

But it came first to listening to Kiki. Her first indication that she needed something was actually not pushing whatever piece of junk mail or keys off of the counter. She was actually using her voice, I had just decided to ignore it.

There was an old dog training method of “ignoring” behavior instead of addressing it. Basically, if your dog was doing something like barking, whining, or shivering (anxiety or fear), we were advised to ignore this behavior in a way to teach the pet that if there was nothing wrong with you, your pet would see that you were chill, therefore, they were to be chill as well.

In all my years of being a pet owner and veterinary technician, I don’t believe that trick ever worked once. In fact, it may have perpetuated the cycle of fear and anxiety in our pets instead.

So guess what, ignoring Kiki’s cries didn’t work so I decided to pay attention instead. I tried to figure out what she needed.

Often when our cats meow at us, we believe they are asking for food, which is sometimes the case but sometimes it’s not. It is the easiest way to appease them when we have other things to do so it is often the number one thing we reach for.

I did not want Kiki to be overweight by my hands since I was adamant about feeding her meals and keeping excess weight off of her. So that’s when I decided to give her stimulation outside of treats and meals in the form of play.

Here is another thing I learned about myself. Considering making time for her at the expense of my own time was like an invisible block I put between us. Does this sound crazy or can you relate? I knew that playing with Kiki and giving her enrichment was vital to her growth as a cat, especially an indoor cat where her senses were limited to what I had to offer her. But I am a self-absorbed person. I love being in my head. I get off on overanalyzing, overthinking, daydreaming, having fake arguments, and worrying about not being enough and to think that I had to give some of that time away seemed detrimental. And sadly, this is how I approach almost all of my tasks. Doing anything outside the realm of what I want to do that will keep me from my wandering mind is like asking me to move a mountain and takes a great deal of action on my part.

Here’s another little story about my childhood in relation to this behavior.

My father used to travel for work when I was a baby. Even though we lived in the same house he was always pretty absent in my life. I was finger painting one day and I must have been 2 or 3. He was home and I asked him to finger paint with me, he didn’t want to so he went to the living room and watched TV. I remember hearing my mom say, “she just wants to play with you.” He came back in and gave me about three minutes of his time, using my finger to paint on the page, then walked away. That was the only time I remember my father actually playing with me.

The resistance to play with Kiki had been impressed upon me, once again, at a very young age wherein parents didn’t play with their kids. Whatever grown-ups did was very important and their attention was not available to a child no matter what.

But, I knew that Kiki craved and needed this enrichment in her life so I made myself play with her. Every time I did, I always wondered why I was so resistant to it in the first place. I found out right away that this activity was so enjoyable for her and me. We became so much closer after that as well. It started out with play time at night with a wire toy with cardboard on the end (as simple as it sounds she went nuts for this), then I used a feather toy and before I knew it, we were chasing each other around the house. Our relationship went from acquaintances to bff’s and the change I could see was obvious in herself as it was in me.

There is something so special about playing with your pet that strengthens your bond like crazy. Thinking about it now, I just wonder what my relationship with my parents would have been if we had played together.

So how did I do it? How did I become a more peaceful and understanding pet parent as well as helping myself overcome my anger issues?

Most of the time I faked it.

I would be sitting at my desk engrossed with work and hear Kiki calling out to me for something. With all the training I put myself through I knew that I had to respond somehow before I would blow up in anger and she would knock off whatever random object was in front of her, or worse, chew on the poster board. So I took a deep breath knowing I wanted to rage and walked calmly over to her. I would make myself talk in a quiet voice and be gentle with my actions. It would go something like this.

“Whatcha want Kiki? Are you hungry? Ok sweetie, here’s some treats. I love you.”

I’d give her a little hug and a kiss then get back to work.

Usually, by the time I got back to my desk, the anger was gone and I felt so much better about myself knowing I decided to choose kindness over anger.

The second element here is that I made the decision to be aware of my behavior and actions and do something about it for myself and my loved ones. My husband told me that my behavior through anger was hurting him and ultimately our relationship. I chose to be more aware of what triggered me and take ownership of my emotions which also meant understanding that I had no control in my external experiences. I know now, and accept, that I will be triggered time and time again. It is unrealistic to expect the world around me to change for my emotional experience or rely on others to be responsible for my emotions. But I can accept that fact and move on with courage.

The key is not controlling the emotion, it’s how you choose to express it. It’s ok to get angry or frustrated at having to stop what you are doing when you don’t want to stop. It’s even better when you acknowledge that emotion and change the way you express it. I have been practicing this for so long that the sensation of 0-100 for this situation has almost disappeared. But every time I get up to take care of my pets it’s with an understanding that they are communicating with me a need that needs to be fulfilled. It gives me a moment to share with them too and what I am learning is that these kind and sweet moments are way more important to me than my job will ever be. I will love and cherish my pets long after they are gone but have already forgotten what I was working on.

It does go to say though that setting boundaries for ourselves is just as important so I will be completely truthful about this. On some days I cannot give my pets everything that they want/need at the expense of sacrificing my own needs like rest, writing, eating, and sleeping. And because I work from home we are in each other's company almost 24/7. So it’s all about balance. Some days my office door is closed and some days I need an hour or 2 to myself in my room. But every day is met with kindness, patience, and understanding. Allowing myself the space I need helps me refill my cup so I can share the overflow of love with them.

Thank you for making How I reparent myself through my pets so special and my number one read on Vocal. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you are getting some value out of my experiences. I have more pets and more to share so I will continue this series with my next story about reparenting through puppyhood. Stay tuned for part 3 which will be all about Bruce.

If you have received any value from my article please share a comment and a like, it would really help me on this platform. Thank you.