Healing

You feel like nothing interests you anymore. The things that used to give you joy no longer do. The people that you were spending your time with are not who you want to be around anymore. You start to feel lost. What is wrong with me, you might ask yourself. Why am I enjoying my time alone more than being with others?

People start to interrogate you. Where have you been, they say? Why haven’t you returned my calls? You don’t know how to politely tell them that you don’t want to be around them anymore. You tell them you lack motivation to live life. You wonder why you’ve been thinking about the past a lot and why certain things from the past are starting to bother you.

I would call it healing.

You have been on this inner journey for a long time. Letting go of past wounds-which sometimes comes in the form of people-have to be removed in order for you to truly be free from the blockages leading up to a fuller, happier life.

Some people are the old wounds, but they have been there for so long, you don’t know how to live without them. Some of them are related to you. You have a close relationship with them but not too close so they have less to use against you. Once upon a time, you trusted them because you had nobody else to turn to. You had nobody else to confide in. But they haven’t changed. They still hurt you. And if they had changed-even just a little-the triggers of their ‘old ways’ strike up deep fears and anger within you that makes you dread seeing them again too soon.

You can’t tell them how you feel about them. No, they wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t see it the way you do, nor would they want to. It would make them feel too uncomfortable. It would make them defensive. They don’t like that. And you don’t want to get them angry at you. If they get angry, they say mean, hurtful things. They say words that feel like they’re stabbing you through the heart. So telling them would just make things worse. Maybe you’ve tried before, but now you don’t have the energy for that anymore. You want to be far away, from everyone and every memory that can hurt you. You want to escape to somewhere…for as long as you need to. You want to be alone in a place with no memories, where nobody knows you.

When you finally get to that place, you can finally open your eyes. You can take deep, full breaths and smell the sweetness of hope all around you. You feel the freedom of possibility in this new place. It’s easier to breathe now. The colors are more vibrant and the hustle and bustle of life around you energizes you. Here, you can start over. You can be who you want to be. Life is yours to live here. You can do anything. You can be anyone. You can stay as long as you like, and you smile at that thought. Gratitude fills you with contentment. There’s nowhere else you would rather be but here, in this new place, with yourself as company.

You can find a new home and change your address. You can change your name in your accounts and reset your password. You are a new person, a better you. You are proud of yourself. You are brave. You did what you needed to be happier, healthier. Now you can start over, here, in this new place. And make new memories. Meet new people. Have new adventures. Eat new types of food.

Sometimes, when you are alone, you wonder if you made the right decision. You wonder more out of guilt than anything. But your heart tells you that you did. You’re not used to being so happy and independent. You set up boundaries for others that are now impenetrable. You are not taking any part in things that no longer serve you. You are staying away from those who don’t want to see you happy and successful. You are opening yourself up to better people and better things. You realize that it is normal to be a little afraid of the unknown. Your intuition is telling you that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. So you ignore those fears and you feel yourself smiling again. Everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be fine.