Happy Birthday to Me!

For the last two years, I haven't felt like celebrating my birthday at all. When the 20th of September has come around each year, I have not taken the time to thank God for this gift called life; instead, I've pretty much cussed Him out for the burden He has placed on me... I once read this meme that was so relatable. It said, “I hate how you’re just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck?!”

This is a glimpse of the conversations that would take place in my brain: "Oh my birthday is coming up. I freaking hate my birthday, why do I have to celebrate my birth? I'm not that special, it's not like I've come up with a cure for cancer or anything. And why was even conceived? I mean all I have been is a burden to my family and my friends. My name means 'try' and I was named this because mom and dad had been trying for a girl for so long but I doubt they wanted this depressed, sad-all-the-time, rude, non-communicative, can't-finish-a-degree mess of a daughter. They probably wouldn't even miss me if I was gone..." *audible gulp*

I know now that all these things are lies my depression-riddled mind came up with. I have an amazing support system and I am so lucky to have some of the best people in my corner, but this was how I genuinely felt, that my life was not worth living anymore. That’s the main reason my birthday felt like a burden.

The last two Septembers have been the worst for me. People expect you to be the happiest version of yourself on your birthday and I was the complete opposite. I honestly don’t remember what I did in 2017, but last year, I slept all day; friends probably came to my dorm room and knocked, but I had headphones in. Friends and family probably tried to call me, but my phone was either on silent or just turned off. I don’t remember eating that day, and if you know me, you know I like to eat. I probably didn’t shower that day either (yeah ewww I know). My closest friend drove an hour to come see me and she got in because she knew the code to my door. I don’t remember the conversation clearly because I hadn’t slept for days so I was wired, but I know I was rude to her; I’m sorry Fri. She left me a gift and cards from friends who were concerned, then she had to leave.

Seems like such a long time ago, but guess what? I'm ready to have the time of my life this coming month. I mean I'm still a broke college student, but I'm going to have as much fun as my three pennies will take me. I mean it’s not in my nature to spend at all so a part of me is like, “Just go to dinner and drinks,” but nope… I’m allowed to be “extra.” And before you think I'm going to be out here booking multiple venues and whole restaurants relax, that's not the plan lol.

First of all I plan on showering, that’s a good start lol. I’m going to make myself look “lookable,” I’m going to eat at my favorite places all week (or all month long), I’m going to go out and dance, I’m going to drink my favorite drink, I’m going to sleep but not all day, maybe shop a little, but most importantly I’m going to thank God every second I can for this life I have taken for granted.

So cheers to the month of September! Cheers to good vibes only! Cheers to life!