Faded Misery, My Lost Defense

Today, I felt nostalgic. I was going through the songs that I used to obsess over in middle school and I couldn’t help but feel weird about it. The songs that I played today were my go-to comfort songs at some of the worst times of my life, and now when I listen to them years later, when I’m not at my worst anymore, it feels strange. Today, I googled “is it weird to miss the times when you were sad?” I didn’t really look through the search results though. I realized that although I’ve spent quite a long time in my life holding onto my misery, today I am emotionally stronger than I’ve ever been. I have to be. I wouldn’t have missed my misery if I were still holding onto it, right?

I wouldn’t say that I’ve completely disregarded melancholy, though. I think a part of me will always long for that comfort. It’s strange to think that sadness can ever be a comforting feeling, but when you spend such a long time holding onto it, it builds up defense. It’s like a heavy blanket that you hide in, trying to avoid the realities of the world. It’s easier to be sad, just like it’s easier going downhill than going up. Being miserable allows you to guard yourself against all the disappointments life has to offer you, because you don’t hope for anything, and nothing excites you. It’s comfortable because there is no risk, no heartbreak. You fade into hopelessness and you start to think that it should be the default. No movement equals no possible pain.

Obviously, it wasn’t quite a conscious choice to stick to the misery. A lot of moments in my life played a role in pushing me towards that happening. I’ve spent many years of my life dealing with things no child should go through, fighting off my traumas while still learning to navigate the world. My fault was in allowing myself to stay in the mindset that I will always face struggles in life because that’s just how it is. It’s not. The only thing that kept me in the darkest places was my thinking that it’s normal, that it’s supposed to be like that. I didn’t realize at the time that I wasn’t miserable because my life was full of struggles, my life was full of struggles because I was miserable.

That is a difficult realization to reach, especially if you’re as proud as me. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was admit to myself that for so long I was the one putting myself down, that I was wrong about how things worked. Most importantly, it was hard admitting to myself that I’ve spent so long making myself the victim of my own story, the antihero — allowing myself to get away with certain things because of my constant misery. I had to let go of the defense that I’ve created and expose myself to the world full of endless possibilities, both good and bad, in order to learn to trust the process. I put what was left of me in the hands of the universe, and I begged her to take care of me.

Now I’ve lost my misery, and I’m defenseless. What is out there waiting for me? For the first time in a long time, I am facing the world bare and unarmed. It might seem scary: endless possibilities of disappointments, heartbreak, and misfortune. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least, letting go of the comfort zone. But because the comfort zone avoids the risks, it avoids the action. Without action, there is no reaction and you end up living in a never-ending loop of the most predicted mechanisms. Misery will eat alive any chances of you becoming what you want to become, because you don’t even think you can, and you’re not even sure you want to. Think about all the goals, dreams, and plans that you have. What do you think will happen to them if there is no action? That is all they’ll ever be — goals, dreams, and plans.

I am not scared of facing the world anymore because I’ve learnt that I decide what happens next. And all the things that I have no control over don’t matter because the one thing that I can control is what defines how it will affect my life — it’s my reaction. It’s uncomfortable, it’s a fight with your ego. It takes time to figure out how to stop believing that the whole world is against you, but I learnt to remember that as long as I’m a part of this world, it cannot be my enemy. I realized that I don’t need a defense or a comfort zone as long as I know that nothing can hurt me. It might seem comforting to put up defenses until you realize they are not only keeping the world out but also keeping you in.

Frankly, I am way too ambitious to be hiding away in my comfort zone. I have dreams and plans, and I am way too stubborn to let go of them. Harvesting low vibrations won’t help me achieve any of it, it will just hold me down. I am done being my own obstacle. I am done soaking in my misery, blindly worshipping my disguised protector.