Facing My First Obstacle

So, a few weeks ago I wrote an article about starting university. I decided to post it here on Vocal.

I did this yesterday.

You can read that article here: https://motivation.media/starting-a-new-chapter-of-my-life

The article is uplifting, motivational, almost jovial in my excitement at starting University, and beginning a new direction.

That feeling of joy and that excitement at starting something new has almost disappeared entirely.

To be replaced by an overwhelming fear of inadequacy and wondering whether or not what I want to do with my life is at all possible.

Can I achieve my goals?

Am I taking the right direction for my life?

Are my goals worth striving for?

Does this even matter?

I’ll clarify my thoughts:

University is exhilarating. Meeting all the new people and learning new things has been fantastic.

But there are parts of it that I am having difficulty adapting to.

My main issue here is studying.

How the hell do I do that?

I never used to study. I only ever retained information and then rechecked my notes. For my NCEA Level 3 English exam, my revision consisted of me doing a five minute check of important aspects of the book and movie—right before I entered my exam room.

Now, it is an entirely different beast.

If I fail to study then I’ll screw up. If I screw up, then I’ll fail. I’ll fall, and every damn thing that I have so far worked for will be worthless.

I’m not going to let that happen. Ever.

But, even while I say that, I procrastinate. I refuse to study because I just don’t know how.

My first obstacle is something that should be ridiculously easy for me now, ingrained in my head by years of teachers telling me that it’s what I need if I want to succeed.

This is my greatest leap in life so far, studying at University. The two paths here, of failure or excellence, whichever one I go down, my life will be radically different. From a goal of a PhD in Philosophy to dropping out of University, it would be shameful.

At least for me.

With no work experience, no true life-skills, all I can offer the world is my academic mind, my thirst for knowledge, and whatever amount of intelligence I manage to have.

But, I still sit here. Writing this. I have a lecture in less than an hour. So, despite the fact that my only true worth in life comes from my academic ability, I seem quite content to just sit here and do nothing productive. My priorities are out of sync, or at least I feel like they are.

I feel like a fool.

As if I cannot possibly truly want what I want, if I can so easily turn my back and pass it over. If I can tell myself “I’ll just do it later” over and over again.

That makes me angry.

All my life I have wanted this. University, the freedom to study things that matter to me, that will help me achieve my ultimate ambitions and goals.

To strive for academic excellence amidst an area that can truly challenge me.

Here it is. Right. In. Front. Of. Me.

Yet I am content to throw it all away. Not directly. Dropping out wouldn’t really be my style. But failing to do the work, and therefore probably failing University and being kicked out, is pretty much the same.

It’s like how suicide and allowing yourself to be killed are relatively the same thing. You’re just not pulling the trigger.

No.

I’m too lazy for even that.

I won’t drop out because I know that I could never live with that shame of voluntarily giving up on this.

But, my actions contradict my thoughts. While I wish to strive for excellence and want to succeed, all I am doing is nothing. All I am striving for is to do as little work as possible.

This isn’t how my life should go.

This isn’t how I am damn well going to let it go.

I will succeed.

I bloody well have to.