Drive Through Suffering

Time after time my life seems to fall apart and I’m always there to pick myself up. I’m a strong woman but I’d be lying if I said that it’s easy to wipe my tears and continue on. It’s absolutely exhausting. You have a few good days and think to yourself, “Okay, maybe I can do this. Maybe this is the top for me, and everything will be alright after all.” Then, all of a sudden, a relative pass away, your boyfriend cheats on you, you end up broke or get left with nothing to your name. Something unexpected happens that stunts your growth, creates a pause in your life and next thing you know your back where you started. You weren’t prepared for it, to deal with these things, but when are you ever prepared for something unexpected? Your heart begins to ache again, and life is no longer what you thought it was a couple days ago. But don’t even get me started on those days where you had to save the hurt for later so that you can get through the day and the next day and the next one after that. Then, something else comes up and you collect that and save it with the other thing and so on and so forth. You know it’s not the right thing to do and that you're just hurting yourself holding onto things that just want to be set free. You just want to be happy. “Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just have one good week?” Most times I feel like I will never escape these hard times because of how harsh and heavy it feels. But there you go. Pushing on no matter what. You could’ve given up and just said fuck it. Man, I don’t know how many times I could’ve just said fuck it and just stayed where I fell off at, but that part of me who longs for success couldn’t just let the bad things overcome me. It was almost as if I found drive through my suffering. My relatives passed, I'm going to cry about it and make sure they didn’t pass for nothing. My boyfriend cheated on me, I’m going to cry it out and then begin my healing journey because I know that there’s always going to be someone out there for me and only me. I end up broke, I'm going to bust my ass to be financially stable again. I’m left with nothing; I’m going to keep going on until I have something. You get the point though. You have to appreciate your hard times just like you do your good times because that’s when you decide that you will no longer stay stagnant in your suffering. This is what makes us the strongest. Not how we are able to endure it but how we are able to move on and keep going afterwards. I was reading a famous book by Mark Manson called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck,” where he talks about “The Responsibility/Fault Fallacy” where what happens to you, the responsibility, isn't your fault but what you decide to do or how to feel afterwards, the fault fallacy, is all up to you. Maybe it isn’t my fault that my life has fallen apart many times, but it is my fault on how I decide to deal with it afterwards because that will determine how I’m going to move forward.