Don't Worry? Be Happy? For What?

A few years ago, I heard the Bobby McFerrin song, "Don't Worry. Be Happy." I thought nothing about it at the time. Nice tune. I was no Bobby McFerrin fan, but I have to admit that he came out with a nice tune. People were singing it and enjoying it as well as they should have. That was way back in 1988. Hard to believe that it was almost ancient history.

As they say, "That was then. This is now."

Things were sort of good, but they started to take a slid...a MAJOR slide. For one thing, my baby sister died a year before the song came out. I think that she would have enjoyed hearing it, but I can't read her mind now or even when she was alive. Still, in light of her passing, I had to soldier on. And I did.

I decided that, somehow, life had to go on. Having this major life incident in my memory, I needed to do things, to get out, to get my mind occupied on other things instead of having sad thoughts in my skull. So I moved on. I tried my hands at coaching. That went nicely....for three years. I later transitioned back to one of my other favorite activities other than writing. I went back to music. I started my own jazz combo. I rallied a drummer, a saxophonist and even a bass player figuring that the music would taken me out of my doldrums. Again, that activity lasted just a short time as well. Finally, I decided to just go back to school and pursue my education level even more than I am now. I returned to my university to attain a Professional Diploma in School Administration. My mission was accomplished on January 24, 1999. Still, it just wasn't enough for me.

Back to "Don't Worry. Be Happy."

As time went on and I got much older, I realized something. Happiness for me is no longer in the cards. Sure, I LIKE many things. I am just not happy at everything or even some things. I wake up each day and I am grateful that I am looking down at the daisies and not looking up at them. I am glad that I can see the morning and not just see myself mourning each day. Happiness for me has become a foreign concept. I am not a happy man.

Each day, I look around and just take note of what I see. I see that other people have achieved this happiness concept. Why can't I? I keep my circle of friends VERY small. That is the way I like it. Most of them are from high school, the place where I really found happiness because I was able to select real friends, not just people who attended school with me. If I was to stop there, that was true happiness, people who truly appreciated me like I appreciated them. They were the seeds of my happiness.

As I write this, it is 2020. Happiness has just about evaporated in my life. My high school friends have moved away. Even Ron, Gerry, Stephen and Rick, the four guys who I attended grammar school with, have moved away. Most of my high school buddies have moved away from New York even though we still maintain constant contact. My parents had died right in front of me. It began to be much too much. I joined an organization at my church and even attended a bereavement group just so that I could keep what little sanity I had left. Still, I am not happy at all.

Once in a while, I take what I call a mental health ride. I kid you not. When I have enough money, I fill up my Jeep's gas tank and then take a ride to various areas in my borough. I stop by my grammar school first and park at a reflection spot I had established when I was in the seventh grade. Then, I reminisce about the good old days from way back when. I think of how, in a busy school playground, I would just dream and plan. I dreamed and planned on taking the world by storm (in a very nice way). I was going to be a teacher, but I just had no idea what subject I wanted to teach. My life, at that point, was still a mystery....even to me. Still, I was HAPPY!

When I got to high school and met my new friends, my happiness came with me. I met them. I was in a whole new environment. I met many teacher who I enjoyed and hopefully enjoyed me. Furthermore, I saw what I wanted to teach. I wanted to teach music like my favorite high school music teacher did. I was also growing up not just physically, but mentally as well. I was getting ready to take my place in the world.

Yup! Maurice was having the time of his life because he didn't need to worry because he was HAPPY!

In 1974, I started attending the local university. I did not pursue Music as I had planned. Instead, I decided to go with English. As I said before, Music and English are my two favorite subjects. The ONLY reason that I did not pursue Music as I planned is that I was deathly afraid of auditions. I did not want to fail. English required no auditions and I felt extremely comfortable as a writer anyway. So, English became my course of study.

That is when happiness started to fade somewhat.

In my very first semester, a very close neighbor, friend and grammar schoolmate perished in a horrific auto accident. I was severely traumatized to the point that I was scared to get into anyone's car unless my Dad was the driver. He was the only driver I trusted. I had a hard time dealing with it and after 46 years, I have managed to come to grips with the fact that he will never be around. Over the last few recent years, his entire family passed away as well. The only survivor is hi daughter who I do not know and who was probably born after his fatal accident. Obviously, I stopped being happy for a bit.

Before that first school year was over, my Grandfather - Dad's Dad - had passed away as well. This shook me to the core because I really loved him. When Dad put our family into the car and told us that we were going to visit him, it was like opening up that unknown present on a bright Christmas day. I was so overjoyed to see him. After all, I was his first and favorite grandchild. When he died, I felt the weight of the universe on my should.I wanted Grandpa to meet the lady I wanted to marry and I specifically wanted his blessing to do so. He was the patriarch of the family and his blessing carried more weight with me than anything else anyone had to say. Now, Grandpa and Grandma are gone. For a while, so was my happiness.

"Don't Worry? Be Happy?" As Scrooge would say, "Bah humbug!"

Time passed and eventually, so did my sister. She fought a brave battle against leukemia, but the disease claimed her life on February 3, 1987. More sadness took up residence in my life and, as I stated before, happiness was nowhere to be found even after seeking other activities to preoccupy my feeble mind. Nothing was able to overcome the lack of happiness I had within.

In 2008, the true love of my life died from ovarian cancer. She never knew that I loved her and really wanted to marry her. What's more, I never knew that she was sick and, as a result, I was not there to help and support her in her time of need.

From time to time, I gave serious thought to playing the lottery so that I could squash my bills, but shied away from it due to the fact that huge winnings brings about many hands who want to share the pot of gold. I just put that thought in the back of my fragile mind.

Recently, my parents had died. Even though it was painful to watch dad die in front of me, it was equally difficult to watch Mom deal with it until she passed away some three years later. The only semblance of happiness I found there is that both are no longer in pain and they are together again.

Happiness, where art thou today?

Now, as I just turned 64, I am still seeking what I perceive to be this happiness that I heard about. I am not happy. I am just satisfied that I had very wonderful moments in my life. Right now, however, I see life as a home that was completely destroyed by a fire even though the burned building still stands. I see the ashen walls, the frame and perhaps the burned furniture. I look at all of that and think of what it used to be as opposed to what it is now. That is how I see my life. I return to those memories like the high school I attended and think back to what it used to be. Yes, the school is still in business, but the days are not like when I attended it. My neighborhood changed. Some buildings are still there while others are not. The old neighbors are gone and new neighbors replaced them. Time moved on. I am no longer 4, 14 or even 24. I am 64 and have gotten older. I guess that I should be happy about that. But what is happiness if you do not have anyone to share it with?/ It is just an empty feeling, my friend. I am as empty as a used milk container.

In closing, while I am NOT throwing in the towel on life, I am still searching for that happiness I seek. I am looking for the love of a lady I want in my life. I am looking for peace and tranquility. I am looking to eliminate my other problems. I am just constantly in search mode.Maybe Mr. McFerrin said it correctly. Maybe, I will follow his musical advice after all.

"Don't Worry. Be Happy."