Crossing the Border...

A month or so ago, it was proposed that I come stay with my older sibling for a week or two, to spend some more time together. Despite my state of SEVERE paranoia and anxiety at the time, I agreed. I was eagerly looking forward to spending time with my older sibling. Seems like it had been forever! Indeed it had been. My older sibling and myself were VERY close growing up. When I was 13, they left for basic training, and ultimately ended up serving two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan between 2004 and 2008. Upon arriving home, I was 18 and stupid. They were 22, and had just seen combat. On top of that, the housing market had collapsed, and job prospects in Illinois were limited, even for Veterans. It was a terrible time, and we never really had the chance to re-connect.

Things seemed to work out well, initially. Though I didn't want to be a burden on my family, to the point I seriously attempted suicide (and was dumbfounded that I survived what I was certain SHOULD HAVE killed me) I ended up moving from my apartment, located in the South Suburban Chicagoland area, to a small, but bustling and growing town in Northwest Indiana. Currently, MANY Illinois residents are doing this for one reason or another. According to a 2019 Chicago Tribune article, "There's a lot of talk about 'Illinois Exodus'...", written by Cecilia Reyes and Patrick M. O'Connell, dated Sep. 25th, in 2017, 339,435 people moved out of Illinois , while only 159,092 moved in. Between 2016 and 2017, 16,998 Illinois residents moved to Indiana. Some say the taxes in Illinois are just too high. Some complain about the political corruption, violence, and poverty that still plagues my beloved home city. Other's sum it up as "White Flight".

I left simply because I suffer from mental health issues. My paranoia and anxiety had reached a crisis level. My perception was that at ANY time, ANYONE I had managed to "annoy" to put it nicely (which to me, was EVERYONE) could kick down my apartment door and attack me and my beloved, elderly cat, Nitty. My current boyfriend who WAS living with me for some time, had broken up with me and returned home. It simply wasn't a safe environment for him. Without him to protect me, I felt extremely threatened. Anyone COULD'VE easily kicked down that apartment door, at any time, and though I would fight to the death to protect my cat, at 5'2", and 100lbs or so, I didn't stand much a chance. Nor was I armed. Nor was there any family nearby to help, if SHEET hit the fan.

Though I didn't WANT to leave my beloved home state, it was time for a change. Nobody seemed to want me there anyway, nor did they seem to have the same passion I do for making music, or have me and my few friends that WOULD occasionally stop by to "jam" with me, around. I'm not the best musician, and my next door neighbor, at that time, had my cellphone number. I told him that if I ever needed to turn it down, or was bothering him, to simply just text me or knock on my door. He never did.

A LOT has changed for me since then. I'd love to share with you my experience "crossing the border" from Illinois to Indiana. Though this town isn't THAT far from the city, or Gary - the once maligned "Murder Capital" of the nation and hometown of Michael Jackson and his family - things are far different living where I am now than back home. You can take a girl out the hood, but can you take the hood out a girl? I have to adapt to living in a normal, middle-class, suburban neighborhood, one quite similar to where I grew up. But being a 31 year old, mentally ill, white girl with so much "drama" doesn't make socially integrating ANYWHERE easy. Let alone here. Forget my race (my neighborhood is actually rather multi-cultural, with many friendly neighbors). This is my story, my experience, of moving from the "hood" in South Suburban Chicago, to Northwest Indiana.

I hope that my stories can guide other people in similar situations. Maybe you're mentally ill, too, and struggling to socially integrate. Maybe you just moved to a new town, and don't know what the "rules" are and seem to have few resources or friends to turn to. Maybe you, too, have an older or younger "sibling". I hope my stories will inspire you to do what I've already had to do, time and time again - pick myself up off the floor (that time, I had just lost my first job here, and felt utterly defeated and hopeless. In my mind, I didn't deserve to lie in the bed my father helped me move here and set up. For the last time.) I hope my stories inspire those that are struggling to find hope, courage, and strength, whatever their circumstances may be. There IS hope, no matter how bleak your circumstances may seem. You NEVER need to fear change to the point I did. (Please, if you or someone you love are ever feeling suicidal, GET HELP! Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK. Or chat with them online at suicidepreventionhelpline.org) You can also text HELP or HOME to 741741, the Crisis Textline, reach out to your local NAMI - the National Alliance on Mental Illness - chapter, by visiting NAMI.org, try finding a local DBSA - Depression Bipolar Support Alliance - support group by visiting their website, dbsalliance.org. Another extremely helpful resource is thetrevorproject.org, for the LGBTQ+ Community. These resources are all free of charge, and have helped me tremendously on my journey!