Content Versus Happy

I used to think I was happy. Then one day I realized that being happy was not enough. It did not satisfy me and felt like a here-today, gone-tomorrow roller coaster. That did not make me happy. So when did I finally find happiness? I didn’t. I learned how to be content. Then happiness came more regularly and easily.

Can you be content without being happy? Can you be happy without being content? Can you have both or neither? How do you achieve contentment?

We have many misconceptions in life. One is that we should always be happy. You should not, and in reality, you cannot be happy all the time. Why? Because happiness is fleeting.

It comes and goes on a whim. What makes you happy today might not make you happy tomorrow. That makes sense. We change. Minute by minute, we change as we grow. Not in a physical sense, such as size, but in emotional, spiritual, and mental ways, we are in a constant state of growth. Every experience changes and shapes our next moments. Those experiences teach us, and we make decisions based on our knowledge and experience. So it makes sense that something that made you happy yesterday may not make you happy today, or even tomorrow. Happiness is in a constant state of flux. It is shaped by internal and external influences.

You can be seemingly happy one moment, and something or someone else can come along and ruin your happiness. You have some power and some control over it, but ultimately, your happiness is affected by a combination of factors and events that can change your state of well-being. Fleeting.

It’s not just fleeting but fickle, too. As men and women, we always want. When we get what we want, the thing or condition that made us happy, we are happy for a while, but soon we want more or something different. We are no longer happy with the status quo, and we want to be happy again. That state of discontent makes us unhappy.

We know we were happy, but in reality, we were never content. So, what is contentment?

Contentment is a state of being, not a conditional emotion. It is a state in which you are fulfilled and “happy,” no matter the circumstances. You were hungry and wanted pizza. You didn’t get the pizza you craved all day or all week. You got tacos instead. You aren’t happy about not getting your pizza, but you are content with what you did and are no longer hungry, even though tacos aren’t the pizza you wanted. I won’t address the taco-pizza compromise. It doesn’t suit my analogy. I get that some of you went there. I know my husband just did, if he is reading.

The secret ingredient in contentment is the two-word phrase “even though.” To simplify, it means being okay with less than what you want, or with something else entirely. It doesn’t make sense that you can be content if you aren’t getting the thing or experience you believe will make you happy. But you can be content without getting what you want. Wants aren’t required in life. They are a fringe benefit, not an entitlement.

In life, you will get many of the things you want. Not all. Maybe not even most. Will you be happy with that? Maybe.

The secret to being content “without” is realizing that it could be less or nothing at all. The difference between being content with something you didn’t want or didn’t get is recognizing that what you wanted might not have been what you believed you wanted, and that it wasn’t good for you. Maybe you believed you wanted a thing, only to realize you wanted something else entirely. Confusing, I know.

As I was growing up, I wanted so many things. I wanted one thing or another. I wanted to be one thing or another. I wanted to live one way or another. And so on. I achieved some of my wants. Mostly, I did not. Some I did achieve, only to regret wanting them. That did not make me happy. That’s okay. I don’t have to be happy about it. I am content with it, however.

I am content because I have learned something. I am content, because what I wanted could have had consequences I would not have enjoyed.

I wanted to be a mother. Throughout my first marriage, I thought I wanted a child with my husband. I never had one. That marriage ended in disaster. That man was not the right man for me. If I had gotten what I wanted, or thought I wanted, I would be suffering the consequences for the rest of my life. I would be tied to a man I’d rather not be in the same room with. I’d have a child with a man who could not take care of that child or a wife. I am happy with the outcome, but I was not at the time. I am content that I didn’t get my fleeting moment of happiness in a wanted child who would have come into a failed marriage. I am happy that I had my son with my current husband. I am content with the denial of my wanting a child, because it spared me a lot of heartache in the end. I didn’t see that then.

To be content, you have to understand that life travels in many directions. There will be bad times, good times, times of scarcity, and times of surplus. There will be pain and elation, suffering and joy, even in and through adversity. The lack, the denial, the negatives in life make you who you are today. Those times will be punctuated by positive outcomes. Would you be willing to give those positives up for the unknown? I’m not so sure I would.

I have seen a lot in my years, and I have suffered a lot. I have made serious mistakes and failed at many things. I would not change a single thing. No matter what choice you make in life, good or bad, there are consequences. Even a small change could affect the outcome of everything that follows. Personally, I would not want that. I love the blessings I have. I don’t miss the ones I have never had. I might have wanted other things, but I am perfectly okay with what I have and where I am. That is part of being content.

The other part concerns future events. I know I may not always be happy with what comes down the pike. But I know I will endure it if it’s negative, or relish it if it’s positive. That gives contentment. Being okay with the what ifs, the even thoughs, or the even ifs.

When you can say to yourself, “It doesn’t matter” or “No matter what,” you have contentment. You understand that circumstances don’t keep you from being fine and taking pleasure in something other than what you desired or expected. You know you can choose to be “happy” with whatever you get. Here’s the thing. When you have that contentment, you are happier. Not all the time. As I said, happiness comes and goes. But being content leads to more happiness in life.

I am not, nor have I ever been, happy with the abuses I suffered growing up. Who would be? But I would not change a second of the horrors or the pain and suffering. Someone else could have been stuck with my lot. My sister could have been hurt worse than I was. I would not wish that on anyone else, ever. None of those things made me happy; quite the contrary. But all of those things made me who I am. They gave me compassion, empathy, and understanding for others in similar situations. I was and am a strong person. I was strong enough to endure the circumstances and come through even stronger. Every moment made me who I am today, and I love the person I am. I am not perfect. No way. But I like who I am, even with my flaws and memories.

While I was not happy, and I still am not, with what I lived through, I am content because those experiences made me a better person. I have seen people who have suffered far worse and are still suffering far worse. I know what worse could have meant for me. I am grateful for every single moment, even the bad ones. I am content, not because I am happy, but because I am grateful. Life is still sprinkled with happiness and not. I am content with both.

You can be happy without being content. If you continually want more and need more, you may never be content. That might be okay for you.

You can be content without being happy. You will be happy sometimes, here and there. You might even be happy most of the time. But contentment doesn’t change or go away once you achieve it. You move past the fluctuations between happy and sad because joy comes from appreciating both and the changes that make you better or more mature from either. In essence, you have both. One is permanent once reached. The other is temporary and will be intermittent, conditional on circumstances. More than likely, you will reach a point where you will have both. That is a good place to be. First, you will have to like, and hopefully love, the person your life experiences have made you. You will need to reach a place where you are grateful for the blessings you do have. It is one little piece at a time. The journey is not a leap but a long hike. Contentment soon follows that realization.

You are beautiful, no matter what fires have turned your memories to ash. You are the sum of your survived experiences. Own it. Love it. And love who you are. Then you will find contentment, and she will turn your future into joy. Happiness is a byproduct.

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#peace #joy #contenment #happiness