Conflicted Xmas
A Happy and Sad Time of Year...
I'm sitting here at the end of the day, Christmas day, and just thinking about it and how I really haven't cared for the holiday this year. Most years, I love Christmas, the build-up to the holiday and just everything else that surrounds this time of year. But this year I find myself not really caring much for it and now that the day is coming to a close I find myself wondering why I feel so lonely this year.
There are a lot of things in my life which could be contributing to this feeling. My upcoming retirement, new job prospects on the horizon, not knowing where I'll live in a month, not knowing how I'll be able to stay close to my amazing partner, or a myriad of other possible factors. I wish that I could say that being here this season with my girlfriend has made it such a great holiday...but I can't seem to.
Don't get me wrong, she has been amazing through the past years in all of the challenges in my life. I think the issue lately has been that I have so much going on this year that I couldn't care less about much of anything else. I'm so run down with everything going on that I just don't feel like I have the energy to do much of anything other than what is absolutely required of me.
I'm tired and I just want everything to be done. I feel some of the happiness this season, but ultimately I just want everything, including the season, to be done with. It's such an internal conflict this year and it gets so tiring, or annoying...I just don't know anymore. There are so many feelings that are colliding within me this year and I just want it all to be quiet, if only for a few moments. So what should I do about all of this?
I wish I knew. I mean, I can say that I'll just push on through everything, or that it will get better soon. I just don't know the answer. I always end up just pushing on until tomorrow, even when I don't feel like pushing on for another second. It's one of the things that I like about me and one of the things that worries me.
I always see just how close I am to making a decision that could impact so many lives. When my life gets rough, or when everyone and everything seems against me, I feel like I'm a razor's edge from making a choice that I think so many would regret me making. If none of that makes sense then don't worry about it, if it does make sense then I'm sorry for the conflict you feel too.
I don't know how to make this part of my life better. I don't know how I keep making those decisions I "should" make instead of the ones I want to make. I don't know how to make all of the crap in my life just stop for a few so that I can enjoy a holiday again or even enjoy my free time alone.
All I know is how to enjoy the little fragments of happiness that do come into my life. I live so much inside those little moments when I can forget everything that sucks in my life. The snuggling with my love on the couch while we watch a show. The time we spend together on trips around the home, town, or just doing whatever and enjoying the time together. The time I spend with my son, whether via Skype or the few small chances I have to spend time with him in person.
I try to remember all of the little fragments of happiness when life gets dark and conflicted. I try to pull them all together until they are a rope strong enough to pull me out of the darkness, or at least keep me from drowning in it.
So I don't know when I'll get over my conflict this year. I don't know how to keep getting over these little times of darkness when I should be working closer to happiness. I just don't know, but what I do know is that for now, I'll keep on holding on.
--Donnie
About the Creator
Tim Lawson
There isn't much to tell about me. Well, there is a ton to tell about me. I don't know how to put it into words without writing a book, or not telling enough of the story. So, I'll just leave it at that & let my writing tell the story.
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