Closure;

I rip off band-aids, I've never been someone who prolongs my pain unnecessarily; I've been great at avoiding it all together, but I've never seem to escape the experiences that make me question my own loyalty.

My brother told me once: " a man that does not say much, don't think much " and I could've find argument on that statement, because sex shouldn't catalog feelings; but now, now that I am on the other side of that statement, on the " I wonder.." side, I can't help but think of all the moments that he didn't say much, but were the loudest.

This one moment in particular made countless rounds in my head, it wasn't romantic nor unromantic, it was just grey. We were in bed, on a lazy Sunday and our eyes met for a few seconds, I smiled and so did he, no words, no action, it was just so easy at that very moment to let myself fall, hoping his hands would catch me.

This moment made turmoil in my heart, it awakened something I didn't know it still existed, it awakened the fear of love, the fear of hurt, the fear of abandonment.

Growing up it was difficult to communicate feelings, and so I learned with time and exposure to embarrassment that, feelings were not something we talk about, or show because they lead to uncertainty and uncertainty to an unstable heart was like kryptonite to Superman.

I race pain my whole life, I took short cuts, and hit dead ends because I was determine to never feel hurt, pain, embarrassment or abandonment from love again, so I was always the one leaving, I've always skipped the 'goodbye' part; even with the longest, most important relationship I've had in my 33 years; I left because I felt alone, and uncertain; I left and I built what I had with someone, alone, and cried every night but never went back.

I've cut someone out of my life entirely in a matter of seconds and never looked back, never wondered, never questioned, I left because trust was broken, in my head, there was nothing that person could've said to me that would've made me change my mind about leaving.

Here, on a two way street, in front of a beautiful green house, I stopped my car and cried, because I didn't want to scream, I felt the hurt in the deepest corners of my body, and for a moment I couldn't move, I couldn't open my eyes, I just wanted to feel it and wait for it to end.

Then as I walked through a store in a hurry, in a frantic head space of distraction, I was stopped by this old man, he asked me to help him; he needed to send a text to his daughter but didn't know where his text messages app was on his new phone; after showing him, he asked me if I could write the text, and I gave in, I listened and I wrote " Sweetie, I gave you directions yesterday, but I will tell you again, you are not stopping in front of the old house, you are driving past until you see the beautiful white house at the top, that's where we will be, happy to see you after all, can't wait for you to get , home."

He smiled and told me that his daughter was coming home after her failed relationship, so he was at the market buying ice-cream and such for her to have at home, where she was loved and welcomed.

I won't lied, I cried like a baby in front of this man, and when he asked what was wrong, all I could master was " I miss my dad! " because in all, I do! because my dad would've had done the same exact thing, he would've asked me who dared break my heart, and he would've punch on me until I laughed and then asked me to put on the baseball game; I needed those directions just like his daughter did.

I've asked myself a millions times, what is it about this time? what about this time didn't allow me to leave first? and all I can think of is, this time I wanted all those fears to finally catch up to me, I wanted to trust myself after two years of healing, I wanted to stop racing.

He was the most gentle heart I got to see in rare moments, the softest eyes I ever stared at and the most magical smile, he left as briefly as he came, left nothing but healing at the door, he was a lesson and a blessing, though he opened my heart to it's limits he was also the vessel for me to beat my fears, I trust myself more than ever now, because now I know that I am no longer racing, I am now cruising.

XOXO

Lucy