Change

There was nothing more to say. All of the things that needed to get out of her were delivered madly and fiercely and could never be taken back. She wanted desperately to forget all of the events that led to the toxic explosion of verbiage and acts of hostility. She was desperate to escape the shame. There was no undoing this. Her mind replayed every word, every emotion, every tortured look on their faces. She was exhausted. As she drove away, alone she heard a voice. It was calm and reassuring and it said to her “you get to decide what you want to think about.” This was news to her. She had spent a lifetime trying to outthink all of the events that baffled her. Nothing was ever left to God. She had no knowledge of God. This constant thinking that she thought was mandatory was never comforting, it never found resolution, instead it was manipulative. It would force her into the worst situations with painful results There was no way to outthink what had happened. Everything was said and done. But this voice, it told of something she never thought before and it hinted at the possibility of relief. LIttle did she know at that moment that these words would start a revolution inside her, that they would stir an awakening to depths she couldn’t even imagine and they would change the course of her life from that moment forward.

“I decide….I decide” she thought but her brain was at it again. “It’s your fault! You wanted him!” Her thoughts were taking over. “I think you’re just awful”, she heard herself reply. A realization swept over her like a deep breath and upon exhale she stopped. She remembered the voice and the words it spoke. “I don’t have to think about this,” she said to herself. Each time one of the recordings from the day's events tried to play out in her mind she found solace in the belief that she gets to decide what to think about.

She began thinking about what she wanted her life to look like. Each time a thought of him crept in she replaced it with a thought for herself. Each time her heart filled with rage she traded that pain for thoughts of love and joyful memories from before she ever knew his name. When he would text she fought the temptation to engage with thoughts of all the people who had ever loved her so much more than he had. When she was lying in bed each night, alone in the quiet she would hear remnants of a begrudging voice whispering discouraging words and she would quiet that voice with her little black book. Writing had become her favorite escape to serenity. In her little black book she began telling herself all of the things that she loved so much about herself and about life.

“I had a life before him”, she remembered. I used to have so many friends and go on exciting adventures. Her little black book became her closest companion. She told it all of her most intimate longings and favorite memories. Day by day her heart began to glow again and her confidence grew. Her daily practice of writing in her little back book evolved and she was learning to practice gratitude. As she did this the hateful thoughts that once permeated her existence were extinguished by thankful prayers for all that she was and for all that she could be. Everyday she wrote in her little black book of things that she appreciated; little things like green grass and ladybugs and big things like her health and happiness. Each day the things she was grateful for grew and became more specific. She was grateful for her life and gave thanks each morning as she stepped out of bed, “thank you for the opportunity to live another day”.

She took her little black book with her everywhere and she wrote in it constantly, consistently and passionately. She put her hopes and dreams on the pages of that book and through her gratitude those hopes and dreams evolved into her reality. “I get to decide what my life looks like”, she heard herself think. As she flipped through the pages of the days, weeks and months of gratitude she had documented in her little black book she found that she had in fact become the creator of her own life. She felt happy and secure. It was at this moment that she understood that she was not only in love with life but she had fallen in love with herself.

“I'm ready for an adventure,” she thought. She packed a bag with enough clothes for a week and tucked her little black book in on top. She had always wanted to visit the coast so she drove east toward the sea. She drove all night with only the stars and the moon for companions. Ordinarily she preferred silence when she drove but this night called for music. This night spoke of possibilities and she was ready to listen. She arrived at the beach early the next morning, wide awake. She stood where the water met the land, where the waves gently cascaded across her feet. The water was cold. She breathed in deeply and she could taste the salt in the air. The breeze coming in with the waves blew her hair into a frenzy. She had never felt so alive. As she stared out into the horizon the light of day began to break and she watched as the sky turned from black to dark blue to purple, orange, pink and yellow. This might have been the most inspiring sunrise of her life. She stood with her feet in the sand, waves crashing and her eyes fixated on the sky until the sun illuminated everything around her.

She was in awe. She wanted more. She wanted to go deeper into the sea and so she plunged under the waves and came up soaked with joy and she erupted into laughter. Once she was back on the shore she stretched out on the sand and felt the warmth of the sun as it began to dry the salty sea water from her skin. She felt at peace and as she rested she drifted off to sleep. As she slept she dreamt that she was at home, but the home she dreamt of wasn't the home she knew, it was bigger and more beautiful. She was with her family, but she had yet to start a family and she was writing in her little black book giving thanks for her good fortune and for all of the freedom that came with her new found wealth. She began to squint in both her dream and in her sleep as the sunlight beamed down upon her face. As her dream mixed with her awakening mind her fingers dug into the wet sand beneath her.

The roaring sound of the waves assured her and the warmth of the sun comforted her. She wiped the beads of sweat from her eyes and everything glistened in the light. She could see a shimmering in the sand beside her. It sparkled so brightly in the sun. Between her fingertips she held a golden coin and as the gentle waves washed ashore they brought with them another glimmer. It was another coin. And with each succession of waves there was another treasure that sparkled just for her. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed as she collected one after another filling her pockets. This had been an adventure of a lifetime but she had a long way to go. Through the power of gratitude and the investment in her little black book she had discovered that life was indeed rewarding.