By 16, I had no reason to be happy, but this happened...

Life as you know it, was never the same - that night.

My worst nightmare came to life

I was speeding for my life, swerving, changing lanes where there was no lane - praying I make it home alive. He wanted me dead that night.

My heart was pounding, felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.

My odometer was reading numbers only me and the wheel could keep a secret. I watched the quarter tank drain before my eyes. 

All I remember was burning rubber, speeding off - after seeing what looked like a gun. Thank God I drive manual. 

I couldn't sleep that night, 10 missed calls and a voicemail - she thought she could get me back easy. I wasn't about to risk it for someone who wasn't going to do the same. We exchanged a few words in what could've been a bloody fight on a cold night at 3 AM. 

I had every reason to hate women.

The same lover I once trusted; was now the devil in disguise - dressed in pink dress. 

My worst nightmare had came to life - I was cheated on. 

The 16th

By 16, I had no reason to be happy or live. The things I wanted to happen never happened. I wanted to keep the family close. The firetruck I always cried about at 8, never made it through the mail either. 

My impostor syndrome made it harder to accept success even when it was granted to me.

I felt like a fraud. My credentials felt like I picked them up from the back counter of a drug store. The friends I thought were friends were never friends. 

A perfectionist home didn't help it either, even when you had an A+ in a class you hated.

A+ meant "keep trying…"

No wonder my generation got grey hairs.

The 12th

At 12 I thought I had all the right reasons to throw in the towel and give it up. Who'd hurt me so bad that I was about to end it all at 12 - right? I needed no reason. There was enough treason for a 12 year old boy to hate himself and want to kill himself - parents going AWOL was just one reason. 

My problem wasn't special, the pain was. Over 70% of gen-z adults don't have both parents in the picture. We the generation with the most mental problems. 

The 10th

On my 10th birthday, my cake had no sugar, only "good friends" came for a visit. My leg was days from being amputated - the bacteria had gone too deep. Parents didn't call for over 6 months, there was too "busy".

Abandonment and an bacterial leg was enough icing on the cake. 

Electrical cord, a few bruises, and words strong enough to break my bones - is how I would be disciplined. You don't know it's abuse until you realize, you were their punching bag.

The 7th

7 years old, the maid told me to she'd wash me. She told me to keep my mouth quite cause I had to trust her - my trust was redefined that day. This wasn't the last episode - silence was still an action. Of course telling a soul would be weakness, if it came from a man. 

What do boys do, when their sleep is a daydream nightmare? 

Where do you run - when that one that used to give you a roof, some food and a bed is the monster you dream of every night?

Going back in time

These memories are hard enough for me to retell. I can't promise that life will always have roses and daises, but I promise you for every dark night there's always a sunrise. 

I'm happy where I am today. 

You take 3 steps back for every 1 step forward. Happiness isn't linear, and it's not granted to us. We have to seek it out, through our experiences - but we can't let our experiences define us. 

I didn't tell you these stories for you to feel bad for me, I wrote it so you know you are not alone. 

Today I'm not happy because of the things I have accomplished; I'm happy to be me. I had every reason to give in. I never felt like I wanted keep going, but I'm grateful I did. 

It's okay to wake up feeling like shit. 

The grass never grew on a sunny day, it takes weathering storms and long, hard, cold nights. 

We can't feel good 99% of the time, if we didn't that'd be absurd. Our happiness is tied to the negative feelings we've been taught to avoid. And that's killing us slowly.

You need shitty days to have sunny days.