Blues

Call me crazy, but I think I'm meant to disappear.

Since I was born, no matter how much I tried to succeed at something, my efforts were soon put to waste. Relationships, goals, career, job opportunities. Every single try was soon put to waste, why? I'm still trying to figure that out, I was always an honor student, an excellent employee, an amazing planner, and a dedicated girlfriend.

A couple months in and I was able to tell when everything was falling apart, no matter how much I tried. Being overworked by my employers, not being able to continue my education, so little time left for my goals, and the more days I spent crying on my relationships rather than enjoying them. Every day is the same story, on repeat, a really depressing routine. After all my years of suffering I started to think that maybe I'm meant to disappear, not like physically disappearing as in dying, but rather as in blending in and becoming the routine.

I'm waking up, getting ready and go on living at the same time every day, I let people abuse me, I stopped looking for schools, I stopped caring on how miserable I feel in any relationship. I'm letting my time fly by, I no longer care about myself, and I'm no longer looking forward to the future. I tried many times, but I guess it just wasn't mean to be for me. The more I blend with the routine the less emotions I feel, the less I live. The process of breathing goes without me noticing, food goes in my stomach and I close my eyes to sleep automatically. The only thing that grounds me is blood, every time I cut my wrist, I scape from the trance of routine and feel this sharp, burning and at the same time itchy feeling followed by the warmness of my blood flowing out.

To think about the future as an imminent hit on my chest filled with pain and adrenaline does not excites me. I began to despise all signs of change, advance or transition because it meant that the future in fact is approaching. I can’t visualize surviving a couple more years.

What should I do?

Meanwhile, here I am waking up everyday trying to make the most of my days. What type of hypocrite I am? What is the point of waking up, having feelings, keep secrets or falling in love if in reality all I want to do is just to disappear? Life can keep its mysteries preserved for I don’t want or need them. Death can bring me excitement, and peace. Every time, I dream of eternal darkness or fire I contemplate the possibility that heaven and hell exist, both attached through a series of tunnels that guide you to your final destination by making you questions about your choices in the living world. I’m afraid of that, for I haven’t made choices, I had just followed the direction of the wind.

Not all is bad, this pain and despise I have for the future, helps me realize the importance of detaching myself from situations, relations and feelings, teaching me the gratefulness in solicitude, to be alone with my thoughts and alone with beautiful desire to disappear. I hope I’m able to see that blissful darkness without regrets or at least without over thinking about it. My past doesn’t define me, but it does shape my thinking, how I see things or react to them, and it taught me to detach and allow myself to descend to the abyss of darkness.