Awareness to Forgiveness

I use to live my life looking for acceptance in others. I would walk the path of least resistance not for myself, but just to make others feel more comfortable around me. I would seek affection from others because I had none growing up in my single mother household. Therefore, after a while, I became rebellious towards anyone and anything that I thought was more about controlling me, rather than holding me and uplifting me.

Pregnant at 17 wasn't accident, I craved unconditional love and acceptance and I was sure my child would offer that to me, when everyone else had failed. I was right, but unknowingly, I was not ready to be a mother. I was too selfish to realize and I was very much ill equipped on all levels to care and provide for another being. Shoot, I wasn't even taking care of myself. And at 22/23 I had done it again with baby number 2.

Mixing it all together, made me realize later on that, truly I was a biproduct of broken, sad, oppressed, Christianized, depressed and unheard people, who never knew themselves either. They had no idea what it meant to love or be loved, they had no idea what it felt like to be heard or valued for who they are and their talents. They were unexplored, indoctrinated beings who had lost their way so long ago, they got stuck. In getting stuck, settling into whatever... they learned to project (like we all do). As time passed, they learned to be like everyone else, who "thinks" they know what is "best" for themselves, their children, and anyone who hasn't adopted their personal beliefs.

I struggled to be the break out kid, but I had no direction. No real guidance and so 2012, like so many others I was caught up in the rapture of massive awakenings. I didn't choose it, it just sort of happened. Since my childhood, I've always been a little different than the people I knew. Church people were scared of anything that was "devilish", they couldn't see the log in their own eyes at all. I had a hard time just fitting in, and when I got the resources to do my own research, it opened the doors to a whole entirely NEW world.

I didn't grasp everything, it took me years and years to find peace in the darkness. It took me even longer to find MY LIGHT, in darkness, and become the person I am now. It took self talk therapy, reading massive amounts of books, hours of videos and tons of tears and prayers. I would be lying to say "I've made it!" However, I will say I endured and have come to a place of my own self acceptance and worthiness.

I'd like to express my gratitude to myself for not giving up, my parents for being the best they know how, my kids for being patiently my teachers and examples of real love, and my amazing twin who has been on this part of my journey with me since Dec 2018. All of you have contributed to my elevation, my consciousness, my new levels of being that isn't always the easiest but with each step I know it is worth it.

In conclusion, this is not the ending but a very fresh start to a new beginning. I don't have all the answers but I am very open to what is to come. I have allowed myself to become my own best friend, my ancestors my guides, my spirit is comforted and with my head high I stride. I have been through my own hells and experiences, that I call experiments and I am only getting better at becoming my best version.