Another timeline

The house so full of people, feeling the walls closing in and remembering a time not so long ago, the laughter of children as they ran in & out. Screams from the yard as they jump high on the tramp. The sun shining down through the trees, leaving shadows of leaves across their sweet cheeks.

Frozen treats in the freezer, plenty of mac n cheese in the cupboard, oh man those were the days. Our children's laughter echoing through the hallways and rooms. Sleepovers and birthday parties. Where did it all go.

Now they fill the room, and they all have lives I know nothing about. Time spent with thinking life would last forever. Where did it all go? Calling mine to me as I head out the door, watching them grow together.

I'm standing there, watching several past times disappear before my eyes, as new people come in, yes I know them all but somehow it's just no longer me. I'm drinking my water, no wine touching my lips. Watching the meat be prepared for the BBQ, surely I would have attended.

I don't want to eat the flesh, I don't stop craving water. Veggies aren't to be seen. I long for quiet even though some days I get to much. Are we ever really happy? Too hot, too cold, Too many people, too much noise, need it quiet, need some company.

Don't know what has happened but as I stood there, in my mind watching the kids grow up before my eyes, parties, tears, in depth talks. I felt a stirring deep inside my heart. This isn't where I'm going, there's a brand new door. I have seen it from the door way but haven't committed to step through. I've reached on in, poked here and there, but still just hanging in the hall.

I must commit to the new life, the Universe has pushed it all away, so that I have room for me. Out with the old, in with the new, whatever that new is. I've spent so much life trying to plan ahead, yet never saw this coming. It's like I'm looking in a crystal ball that spins inside my head. It's showing how things could be if I just take the time.

Stepping through isn't scary, it's only my thoughts that think that way. Stepping on through and finding the me that I'm really, truly supposed to be. I know I can learn, I can be better than yesterday. I don't have to be afraid to let them know that I can show.

Spend all my time wondering if I can, didn't stop to wonder why. I'm friendly, and smart, I've learned lots in my life. I can do what I want to do, I deserve what I want out of life. Always looking back, or trying to find the future, guess I keep forgetting to look around me now.

It may seem bleak in the media, and the world is topsy turvy but the Universe still has a plan for all of us. I have made decisions that brought me to this place. I've gained a mental strength, learned a lot of things about my strength, if I focus on the now, if I put the past behind me, if I stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring, I finally might just be me.

As I start to push the past away and focus completely on what I want in the now, my heart stops racing, the panic attacks calm, I see a future that I deserve, that I should have gotten years ago but it wasn't the time. I'm seeing a new timeline, a new life that beckons me to enter that door, step through and become what I can become. Sure it's scary, the unknown. I know I can do it though.

As I sit talking to an old friend, time jumps forward and I smile for my story is being written by me now. Meeting new people, learning new things that I wouldn't have believed a year ago. I see the past still shedding like a chameleon getting bigger, stepping into a new story, a new timeline a better time. The memories of yesterday are still stored somewhere inside, remembered like a dream that fades away with the sun.