Am I Happy with Myself?

Up until recently, I never thought about whether I was happy with myself as a person. I always thought about things that could make me happy, or of people that should make me happy. In today’s society, we see so many posts on social media and marketing about “self love” and “self pleasure”, but are we really loving ourselves, or just maintaining an image? What causes us to be unhappy or happy, and how do we maintain happiness? Does trauma really play a role in our mental state?

I read this article in Psychology Today called What is the Fundamental Key to Happiness? by Robert Puff, PhD where he describes the cause for being unhappy as “suffering”. He writes: “...all our suffering comes from our mind. Yes, we have painful experiences, but there’s a difference between suffering from the stories in our head and real pain.” At that moment, it hit me, it really is a mental game. What I’ve gathered is that no one’s meaning of happiness is the same if it’s mostly made up of our personal thoughts.

The best way to understand this unhappiness is thanks to Thibaut Meurisse in my opinion. In his book titled Master Your Emotions, he says:

“Your emotions act like magnets. They attract thoughts on the same “wave”. That’s why, when you’re in a negative state, you easily attract other negative thoughts, and by latching onto these thoughts you make the situation worse.”

So what does this mean for the unhappy. Do we just suffer? What actually causes us to be unhappy? This book has most, if not all of the answers. It has taught me to be more self aware of negative thoughts, and negative language, such as “I’ll try” or “I hope”. It is teaching me how to recognize and understand the negative emotions, and practice incorporating positive behaviors into my daily life. Eventually one is expected to have less negative thoughts, thus being more happy with oneself.

What about those traumatic experiences? Why are these negative experiences so easy to remember? I recall once nearly drowning in the Lazy River at the old Wet ‘n’ Wild in Las Vegas when I was nine years old. I was swimming underwater, which wasn't allowed. I found myself caught under someone's floatie, going with the current, unable to come up for air. I’m not too sure how, but all of a sudden, I was able to come out of the water and I swear, being that I was only nine years old at the time, this was the longest 30 seconds of my life. An expert might say that the event could have lasting traumatic effects on a person, yet there I was, an hour later back in the river living my best life as if nothing happened. Now on the other hand, I recall recently running for the bus one morning on my way to work. It was dark and wet from the night's rain when my foot happened to snag on a raised part of concrete. I literally flew forward like Superman with my iPad flying into the air as a bus full of passengers watched. I was mortified, and I am still triggered by that day; so much so, that I didn’t catch the 7:43 am bus for almost two months straight to avoid the driver and other habitual commuters.

The wonder is, what is it that makes us recall every detail of a personally horrid experience or event? Does the feeling of something terrible happening to us really have that much effect on our brains? The answer is yes, yes it does. According to Negative Memories May be More Vivid than the Happy Ones, by Jennifer Warner, she writes that negative emotions trigger a larger area of the brain compared to happy or neutral ones, and these areas are associated with memories. There has also been research conducted by Laura Cartensen, a psychology professor, who claims that the reason we remember the bad has to do with our evolutionary survival instincts. In an interview she did with The Washington Post in 2017, she says “Many psychologists think that this has evolutionary roots; that is: It’s more important for people, for survival, to notice the lion in the brush than it is to notice the beautiful flower that’s growing on the other side of the way.”

So, what can we do to help make ourselves happy? It all depends on what works for you. Some people may take medications prescribed by a medical provider, some may find happiness in natural healing, and others could find comfort in talking to someone. What we want to figure out is which option works.

Lately, I've been thinking of myself as being in my own little four-step program:

No. 1 Admit that you’re unhappy.

No. 2 Start with medication.

No. 3 Transition to naturopathic habits.

No. 4 Find happiness within.

This self-made program came about because I’ve tried virtually everything to be "happy". I've tried antidepressants, therapy, and tons of self-help books. Eventually, I was feeling so overwhelmed and not so optimistic about finding happiness and comfort in myself that my thoughts became harmful. But, I couldn’t give up, not yet.

Over the last year or so, being on medication helped me get out of the debilitating slump that I was in. It wasn’t easy though; I changed medications about 6 times before I found something that worked. It helped me be able to dive deep into spirituality, and become more conscious of my mind, body, and soul. I started looking into holistic and natural alternatives such as meditation, crystal healing, and listening to binaural sounds to improve my mental health. What I found is that each of these things help to quiet my mind in a way, and provide more room for happier thoughts and actions. I occasionally burn incense, a candle, and sometimes sage in my apartment to lighten and clear my space. There have been tough days where I burn all 3 together. At this point, I can’t take any chances.

With factoring all of the above, and speaking only from personal experiences of course, taking the initiative to change the things that bring me down mentally is a start to being happier. Actually making a change in diet and exercise, as well as telling myself positive affirmations has made a big difference in my mental health. I’ve begun to notice that I am less tired and stressed, more focused, and I’m even shedding pounds. I would like to also give credit to the recent medication I’ve been prescribed by my doctor. It has significantly helped me get to this point of wanting to take control of my life and how I feel. I truly believe that this is all it takes, the wanting to change and wanting to be happy.

With all of that being said, I leave you with this: now that you have a better understanding of what causes us to be unhappy, it’s important to be present in your mind and not sweat the small stuff. I’m not saying to get up right now and shoot for the stars, because it isn’t always that simple. I will say, start with making a conscious decision to want to understand what it is that you’re unhappy about, and make an effort to change the way you think. Start with one small step at a time until all of those little things become bigger things that flourish into happiness and success. I believe it starts with us asking ourselves this question: “Am I happy with myself?”