Alone in a Crowd of People

“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.”

This is a quote from the book, Journal of a Solitude, written by a poet named May Sarton. I happened to read this particular line while mindlessly scrolling through countless posts on an anonymous website, Reddit and somehow it felt like a chord was struck within me.

It made me stop from whatever I was doing as I went deep in thought on how much this quote had deeply resonated with me. It made me think about the times that I had when I was younger in comparison to my older self in the present. I've had many instances in my past, wounds that have already healed but the memories of pain and betrayal somehow remain fresh in my mind.

Like a camera reel flashing scenes that you've sworn yourself to keep in the back of your mind but somehow always finds its way to creep in even in the most unexpected of moments. Especially in the moments when we're alone, only then does it strike, like an annoying alarm ringing in the morning that you couldn't turn off no matter how many times you pressed the stop button. It's strange, isn't it? How you can be surrounded by so many people, yet feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness.

When I was younger, I always thought that I wouldn't feel alone as long as I had many people who I could be friends with. To be surrounded by many people, endless jokes, and constant laughter.

But as the years passed, I began to realize that the presence of others doesn't necessarily equate to the absence of loneliness. There were moments when I felt like an outsider looking in, disconnected from those around me, despite the smiles and conversations. It's as if there was an invisible barrier separating me from truly connecting with others.

It reminded me of a song that I always loved to listen to from one of my favorite musicals, 'Dear Evan Hansen', titled 'Waving Through a Window'. Where the song portrays the character Evan, how he doesn't fit in and feels trapped behind a window while the rest of society ignores him on the other side of the glass. He keeps on tapping on it, hoping that someone or anyone will ever notice him if he tries hard enough.

I could go on and on and dive even deeper into how beautifully written and how the song progresses its intensity to portray the character's spiraling emotions that highlight the desperation that one could feel in a moment of isolation. I would be lying if I said that this song doesn't bring me to tears every time that it plays in my playlist as I feel connected with it on a deeper level.

This realization hit me hard during a particularly crowded social event. I remember looking around and seeing everyone engaged in animated conversations, their faces lit up with joy and camaraderie. Yet, there I was, feeling isolated and detached. It was a stark reminder that loneliness isn't about the number of people around you; it's about the depth of your connections with them. It's about feeling understood, valued, and seen for who you truly are.

As I grew older, I started to embrace solitude. Unlike loneliness, solitude became a space for introspection and self-discovery. It was during these moments of solitude that I learned to appreciate my own company and to delve into my thoughts and emotions without the distractions of the outside world. I realized that solitude allowed me to reconnect with myself, to heal, and to grow. It became a sanctuary where I could find peace and clarity.

However, the journey to embracing solitude wasn't easy. There were times when the silence felt deafening, and the absence of others amplified my feelings of loneliness. But slowly, I began to see solitude as a gift rather than a curse. It was in these quiet moments that I found my inner strength and resilience. I learned to be my own source of comfort and support, to find joy in my own company.

Loneliness, I discovered, is a universal human experience. It's something we all go through at different points in our lives, regardless of our social status or the number of people around us. It's a reminder that we are all connected in our shared vulnerability and longing for meaningful connections. And it's through acknowledging and accepting our loneliness that we can begin to heal and find solace in ourselves and others.

So, to anyone feeling alone in a crowd of people, know that you are not alone in your loneliness. It's okay to feel this way, and it's okay to seek solace in solitude. Embrace the moments of quiet introspection, for they are opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Remember that true connection starts from within, and by nurturing your relationship with yourself, you can create deeper, more meaningful connections with others.

In the end, loneliness is not something to be feared or avoided. It's a part of the human experience that can lead us to a richer understanding of ourselves and our place in the world. By embracing both our moments of loneliness and solitude, we can find a balance that enriches our lives and allows us to truly connect with those around us.