A Confused and Tired Girl

It's fine... how long it will take? a question every girl asks herself when they don't know what's happening in their life. Yes, I'm also tired of chasing everything. "Am I that hard, that everyone is giving up on me?".

Can't achieve anything even giving your best. From studies to relations... What's the point of maintaining everything? Does everyone think that you are so indecisive about taking your decisions? but no one is ready to accept you as you are. They are the ones who have put you through this. By believing in me at first and if I try they give up on me in the end. Yes, I try so hard yet I'm failing everything while calculating my life again and again and questioning myself where I was wrong. Even though I found nothing, my self-esteem has broken. When you constantly needed a person to stay in your life, either they disappointed you or you disappointed them. You were confused that what just happened in your life. After all the failures you were trying to change yourself for this one person, that might work for them to stay a bit longer. Begging them to tell you what you did wrong to them the way they are treating you right now.

and the time you were expecting them to confess maybe they just changed their decision and have given up on you. Because you are hard to know and get. And in the end when you completely question your existence you get to know the fault wasn't yours.

You don't know how long you are going to live but living feels like a miserable choice. Having trust issues, learning new experiences, and expectations from your parents and family you have to do it all without complaining to them that you aren't capable to do anything anymore.

You are keeping a smile on your face for everyone, not sharing anything that even your best friend might judge you as well, or she has other problems to face. I understand it all, going through something similar, I can say whoever is reading this can relate to me. But I'm sure there is still hope in my heart that someday God will help me through this and you too, I'll be happy again and when I'll read this again I'll be a new version of myself. But what about the current problems? how can I stop the time? having career stress, relationship problems, and losing everything how can I manage to not give up at the moment?

Maybe I should start accepting everything around me and leaving everyone as a choice, maybe I should make a new schedule to work on despite I have 2-3 years left to live properly. Not even trying will make no point to live at all. At least I'll have some purpose. Without expecting the wrong output I should give my best with a goal in my mind.

All these thoughts aside, this too shall pass one day. Let's close our eyes and think about your childhood bedroom door that you enters and sat with you as a child, Tell her all the things you wanted to say always but couldn't. Tell her not to give up when you are tired. Tell her that this too shall pass. Hug her that she needed the most when she cried alone in the room. Tell her that it's fine to make mistakes but learning from them is the key. You will forget everything for a moment after seeing her happy and smiling.

There is still hope. Try not to be hard on yourself. Because you are your own best friend.