7 Beginner Steps: How to Forgive the Unforgivable

"The truth shall set you free, but first it'll piss you off."  - Gloria Steinem

Like many others during the pandemic, I lost my job due to a lack of hours and have been unemployed for about three months. During this season of uncertainty, I had a lot of time to sit and think.

At first, being unemployed was nice. I began to tackle all the books I hadn't read in my library and my house was cleaned to (my idea of) perfection.

I hung out in all the cafés along the strip and tried to relax as best I could while filling out job applications.

Rent was paid and I had a little money in my bank account, so I wasn't too pressed.

But there were instances where I would consistently experience intrusive thoughts that I couldn't seem to shake. The emotional ups and downs began to spike without notice and I was becoming increasingly frustrated and hopeless.

To me, this added insult to injury because I had just lost my job and now I'm having mental health issues?

I'm no stranger to anxiety/depression, but this was a bit much. I kept having thoughts about how the ex-family mistreated me.

In particular, how the step-sister accused me of sleeping with her ex-boyfriend (also my blood cousin, gross) and telling me I was the reason why one of my exes completed suicide.

And the memory of my mother choosing to side with her husband after being told he made sexual advances towards me when I was 14 years old (and beyond).

I knew this was something I needed to take a closer look at. I've never been one to harbor ill feelings towards anyone and I didn't realize that this was exactly what I'd been doing.

Everything I write in this post is from personal experience and is meant to be used as a tool to aid those who desire to release negative thoughts and emotions towards someone else.

I found that these were the steps I went through that led me to forgiveness, and in turn, freedom.

My hope and goal are that these seven steps will help you as well.

Step I: Be open to forgive

True statement: you'll never be ready to forgive.

After deciding to leave toxic family and friends, it took me about three years to begin working on forgiveness. I was quite literally "sat down" by the Universe to complete this chapter of my life.

I didn't understand why I was ruminating over events that happened years ago.

It was awful. Here I was, watching an entertaining Youtube video, then BOOM! An intrusive thought enters my brain and now I'm upset. This would happen on multiple occasions even if what I was watching had no connection with the past.

Truth is, I was reliving these situations because I had never truly healed from them. I never gave myself a chance to grieve. At this point, I understood that The Universe was making me so uncomfortable that I had no choice, but to purge.

I quickly learned that these emotions were signs telling me it was time to heal. Since I didn't want to experience these "attacks" anymore, I decided to open up to the idea of forgiveness.

The only way to start on this journey is to be open to it. Most times we want to jump from the problem straight to letting go, but that's just not how it works.

Healing is required. It's the middle man: Past → Healing → Release.

What I found was that trauma prevents us from being successful.

It keeps us in stagnant energy where we're unable to grow, so healing then releasing it gives us freedom.

Freedom = Happiness

When I opened my heart space and began healing, I was able to better understand my purpose and take action towards that purpose.

Allow your intuition to tell you to begin working on forgiveness.

Step II: Be completely candid

Personally, I write everything down. Anything from thoughts, notes, ideas, dreams, tarot readings, daily tasks, etc. Everything is pen to paper (or finger to keyboard).

I find it extremely helpful to unscramble my thoughts after writing them down. This process is also helpful when it comes to breaking down a traumatic event.

It helps me to be completely open and honest about how it transpired and what could've been done differently.

To complete this exercise I always ask myself: who was involved? how did this transpire in the first place? what was happening before/during/after the event? how was I feeling before/during/after the event? where did the event take place? why do you believe this happened? was there anything you could have said/done better?

Write it all down.

Taking full responsibility for your part in the event is the best thing you can do when journeying towards forgiveness because this is how you take back power and control of your life.

You are not responsible for other people's actions. You are responsible for your own.

Step III: Forgive Self first

Forgiveness is internal. Most times, when we have feelings of anger, revenge, hate, and disgust towards someone else it's because we feel we allowed it to happen.

Most of us are pretty hard on ourselves. Deep down, the root of the problem isn't necessarily what the other person said/did, but how it made us feel.

This is where self-forgiveness comes in.

This step is difficult because it requires us to relive the event all over again and that seems counterproductive. In reality, reliving it enables us to rewrite our feelings towards it.

We can never forgive and forget. Our brains don't work that way, but we can train our brains to forgive. We can train our brains to think about what we experienced more positively.

This is done by writing the situation down on paper (exactly how it happened) and ending it with "I forgive myself for…"

This is an excerpt from one of my self-forgiveness entries:

I forgive myself for putting my trust, information, and emotions into toxic, stagnant, and emotionally unavailable individuals.

Reliving and writing these entries takes time, so don't push yourself. Depending on the issue and your feelings this may be a lengthy process. Just remember that time is no comparison when it comes to your healing.

Internal healing is a slow process and should be handled with care.

Start with five minutes of journaling and then go from there.

Step IV: Clean house

An essential aspect of forgiveness is purging.

When I made the final decision to forgive, I performed a purging ritual where I rid myself of paperwork, photos, keepsakes, clothes, shoes, cards, etc. that reminded me of the person(s) I needed to forgive. I burned everything. It was incredibly freeing.

Throw away, give away, and/or sell everything that brings you terrible and shameful memories.

Anything that brings you emotions like anger, resentment, pain and suffering, hate, anxiety/depression, bitterness, judgment, or anything that is triggering needs to go.

You may experience these emotions and begin to cry as you sift through these items. Crying is completely fine. It's one of the most common ways we heal.

Just know that this is completely normal and remember the reason you're doing this in the first place.

"Cleaning house" creates space for the Universe to work its magic in your life. What you're doing here is making room for positive experiences.

So, rid yourself of the sh*t that doesn't bring you mental peace, joy, and prosperity. Allow your intuition to show you which items need to go. You'll be happy you did.

Step V: Journal/Talk Therapy

Some trauma can be so deeply rooted that you may need professional help, especially when it comes to more severe incidents and this is ok. I receive therapy off and on myself.

There should be no shame in seeking a licensed mental health professional to work through negativity.

Therapists are available in-person, by phone and text, and even through virtual apps. There are multiple ways to receive therapy and you can cater it to your personal needs.

If you're having suicidal ideations please call 1 (800) 273–8255 for help. You are so loved.

I found journaling and speaking to a friend (my only friend) to be incredibly helpful.

I journal almost every day about any and everything. The best writing is from the heart no matter how positive or dark. So, it's important not to judge yourself for what you've written.

Journaling is one of the best ways for me to get out of my head and onto the physical plane.

My friend and I have been through many of the same occurrences. I know I can trust him with my information and his advice.

I don't feel judged or more upset after speaking with him and I realize he likes me for me. Flaws and all.

Writing and speaking give us power because it produces energy. In my mind, these are the best self-help ways to successful forgiveness.

Step VI: Perspective

Understanding situations from the other person's perspective is a great way to bring an offense full circle.

Try to ask yourself how the other person felt about the event. What would you have done (as this person) given the same circumstances and resources?

What does this person believe? What don't they believe?

Who is/was this person in your life? What was their motive (if any)? Are they mentally, emotionally, and spiritually mature?

What do you think they were going through when the situation happened?

These are all great questions to ask when attempting to work through negative emotions related to forgiveness.

I answered all of these questions through journaling. When I actually began the forgiveness journey this step took me about a year to complete. Again, everyone's situation and past are different.

This exercise isn't easy and it may be lengthy for many. Despite these facts, it is a great way to come to an understanding of the entire event and to see both sides, especially if you aren't speaking to the individual(s).

Step VII: Release

Here we are. The seventh and final step.

Going through the first 6 steps may be quite arduous for many. Releasing is very much a mental, emotional, and spiritual process. I was tired as hell after experiencing intrusive thoughts, journaling about the traumas, speaking to therapists, and crying.

I often felt that it would just never end; however, I was taking on 18 years of trauma. Of course, this would take more than a couple of weeks of therapy and a few pages of journaling.

Again, realize that these steps take time. There may be years of trauma that you're working through, so be gentle with yourself because this is a process.

When you reach this step, it's mainly about visualization. Visualize yourself physically handing over the burdens to a Higher Power (God, Spirit, Love, Source, The Creator, The Universe, etc.)

This may sound like straight-up bullsh*t, but I promise you, it works.

It's important to note, that to complete this step, you must be willing to do it and certain milestones have to be met for this step to make sense.

Skipping steps isn't advised as you have to feel the need to forgive in the first place.

When you release this pain, you're rejecting what the other person(s) did, meaning, you recognize what happened, how it made you feel, and accept the need to let it go.

What you're doing is making an informed decision to no longer act as a prisoner to the event and the individual(s).

Warranted or not, the reason people hurt others is because they're hurt themselves. They're dealing with the pain they feel they can't handle, so they project it onto you.

Step VIII: Reconciliation (optional)

I want to insert a major caveat here:

Forgiveness IS NOT reconciliation!

Forgiveness in itself is to release feelings of anger or resentment due to an offense. To reconcile means to restore a particular relationship with a person(s).

Restoring relations that required forgiveness may not be possible in certain circumstances whether you're the forgiver/forgiven.

Topics can range from specific family dynamics to sexual assault. The reasoning is due to boundaries. Healthy boundaries need to be set, always.

For example, having a family that refuses to deal with deep issues in regards to the family unit can be toxic to your mental and emotional state. Severe boundaries (moving away, blocking, divorce, etc.) may need to be established to protect your mental and emotional health.

Reconciliation is completely optional, depends on the situation, and the individual(s) involved. You cannot very well make someone forgive or accept an offer.

Forgiveness isn't always easy and that's because it's not supposed to be. If it were, the world would be in a much happier state right now.

The first step was the toughest because it required me to open my heart chakra, which had been closed for so long. I'd been avoiding this shadow work for three years. I'm stubborn as sh*t and I didn't want to deal with it because it hurt.

I just knew I wanted the intrusive thoughts and fear-based emotions to stop. When I was completely honest with myself and began to research forgiveness, I realized that it was rather possible.

The only condition that bothered me was the timeframe. I didn't want to spend a lot of time healing. Continuously chipping away at past hurts left a bitter taste in my mouth.

When I accepted this and began journaling, the negative emotions abated and I actually found a space to express it, which was Medium.

I have released a lot, but not all of the trauma. I am still a work in progress.

I hope this finds whomever needs it most and that Spirit guides you to a lighter heart and a happier being :)

Take Care,

J.