If You're Feeling Hopeless, You Should Read This

I felt a lot better. I was working full-time (during a pandemic nonetheless) and this job paid better than the last. I’d just moved states and rented my first apartment with no roommates, was slowly but surely saving money and paying down debt, and was saving money to get my car properly serviced.

Things felt like they were finally coming into balance.

After working for about two weeks, I received an email stating that one of the employees tested positive for COVID and that all other employees who’d been in contact with this person were not to come into work for the rest of the week.

The supervisor also indicated that this individual came into the center knowingly experiencing symptoms of COVID. Of course, I’m pissed. I just started to rebuild my life and now this?

The mandate was to get tested, and upon a negative result, we were able to go back to work. The test was free, but the problem was that the lab results were not. I’d have to spend $90, which I just didn’t have. Again, I just started investing in my nest egg and settling my affairs.

Screw it.

I made the appointment and drove to the clinic the next day. As I’m waiting in the parking lot to be called inside, a supervisor calls me. I answer.

Her: Hey JuNita (somberly).

Me: Hey, what’s up?

Her: Well, the schools are opening back up and parents want to send their kids back to school. I didn’t think it would happen this quickly. I can barely provide hours for the girls who’ve been working here the longest and I just don’t have the hours to support you.

Me:…well…I appreciate you telling me early on.

Her: Yes. When we hired you, I know you mentioned you wanted full-time hours and I just wanted to inform you as soon as possible so that you could potentially find employment. I’ll be sure to let you know if/when things change.

Me: Well if I were to get fired again, I’d want it to be like this. I don’t have any qualms with the company and I appreciate you for letting me know.

Her: It’s rough right now. There’s a lot of uncertainty and I hope you find something soon.

Me: Thanks.

Her: Have a good day. Bye.

Me: You too. Bye.

To be clear I was laid off, but it felt like I’d just been fired.

Directly after, I received another call from the clinic. A man registered me over the phone and one of the questions asked was “Where do you work?” Was this bastard patronizing me? I laughed and gave him the name of the company that’d just let me go.

After a few minutes, I walk into the clinic to get a cotton swab jammed up my nose. I thank the nurse and leave. During the drive home I call my best friend and tell all. He was a bit upset for me but emotionally supportive.

It was weird, I wasn’t crying or upset. I was just…uncertain. It was all too fresh to fully process.

I had a boyfriend at the time too (if you want to call him that). I called him and told him what happened. His response? You’ll be alright.

I just hope your PS4 can swim.

Here I was recently laid off, may very well be infected with coronavirus, and all he could say was ‘you’ll be alright?’ The severe lack of emotional support made me want to throw up. I was literally disgusted and wondered why the hell he was even in my life.

Emotionally constipated men seemed to be my “type,” but I digress. That’s an entirely different subject for another blog post.

Needless to say, I broke it off with him that day. Truth is, we’d been seeing each other for about a month and it felt a bit stagnant. I knew it was time to move on, so I took this opportunity to do so.

In a five-paragraph text, I educated him about the reasons behind the breakup. He didn’t fight it. Then again, I wouldn’t have either. At this point, my register was full and the arsenal relentless.

I didn’t break up with him because I had to be tested for COVID or because I was laid off. I broke up with him because he wasn’t being his authentic self.

It’s a slap in the face when I’m genuinely trying to get to know someone and their words and actions aren’t in alignment.

When I finally settled in, I cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom, straightened up my office, and did some needed filing. I ordered Chinese food and watched some anime.

I wasn’t feeling happy or sad, but I was definitely worried.

The very next day, I woke up to a text message from the clinic. It contained my demographics and said: TESTED POSITIVE. I couldn’t believe it. How could all of this sh*t happen in two days?

I felt fine. I wasn’t displaying any symptoms whatsoever. Over the course of about three weeks, I kept receiving phone calls from every health department in the state asking if I was experiencing any symptoms and the answer was always “No.”

I’m convinced I didn’t have it. I believe the clinic was taking precautions for those that were in close range of someone who had actually been infected. I didn’t mind. I didn’t want to potentially spread the virus (positive or not), so I stayed home as directed and busied myself with housework, reading, and writing.

During this time, I was getting a lot of sleep and felt pretty optimistic. I revamped my resumé and filled out job applications religiously for hours at a time. I read through the minimum and preferred qualifications of every job posting and carefully used SEO keywords strategically before submitting my applications.

I attended a couple of virtual open houses and took notes too. I even took the time to write unique cover letters for each company.

I f*cking hate writing cover letters.

Worse than cover letters are the famous questions “Why do you want this job? or “Why do you want to work here?”

How does one professionally translate “I like to eat” and “I have f*cking bills to pay?”

I received numerous scam calls and spam emails from non-existent employers rather than organic traffic. When I did receive a bonafide message, it was to tell me that I didn’t get the job.

In turn, being unemployed freed up a lot of time, so I used it to better my relationships. I often phoned my best friend and started to open up to my grandmother about what had been going on. Talking about the losses made me feel better, but it still wasn’t a concrete solution to any of my external problems.

After locking myself up for ten days, I had an appointment at Firestone for an engine diagnostic. I arose early and drove to the shop. It was about an hour before one of the mechanics spoke with me about the issue.

Apparently, there was “nothing they could do” because the check engine light wasn’t on when I brought it in. Basically, I’d just spent $80 on a problem that couldn’t (and wouldn’t) be fixed.

Go figure.

So far I’d been laid off, tested positive for COVID, had broken off a relationship, and now I’d just lost $80.

Those three days turned into three months. Applying for and receiving unemployment was an absolute disaster. I was only being paid $158/week. This didn’t even cover rent let alone utilities.

At the same time, what little money I was receiving came to a halt as my state fell below the 5% unemployment threshold.

The last week of October, I cried for a week straight. I didn’t know what else to do.

I’d had endless conversations with my landlord, mobile service and wi-fi providers, and auto finance company. I was doing everything I knew how to do and took advantage of every resource possible but was met with a closed door. However, the second week of November was different.

I received an email asking if I was interested in a position I’d applied for a while back. Hell f*ck yeah I’m interested! The next day, I completed a virtual interview and was told I’d hear back in three days. Well, I heard back the next day and I was offered the position!

I was finally hired!

I was elated. Life seemed to finally be giving me a break. About two days later while laying in bed I heard a loud pop! outside.

I didn’t think anything of it because I stay about thirty feet away from the dumpster and people illegally dump trash at different times in the night. Eventually, I dozed off.

When awoke in the morning, I looked outside my window and realized my car was missing. To my dismay, I knew it’d been repossessed.

Even after all of the paperwork and talks of financial hardship, they’d taken my means of transportation.

I only had $3K left to pay on it and they f*cking took it.

That was the last straw. I’d just been hired and that joy was taken from me when they took my car. I’d been patient and cooperative. I updated all parties frequently and followed every procedure. I even spoke with my spiritual team.

I was done. This is the day I gave up. I was tired of fighting tooth and nail just to be able to sustain some type of balance in my life. I couldn’t do this sh*t anymore and I didn’t want to either, so that’s exactly what I did.

I emailed the principal of the school that’d just hired me and told her that I didn’t have reliable transportation to get to work. I called the auto insurance company to cancel my insurance and the bank to inform them that I couldn’t afford to pay for the car anymore, let alone settle.

I just didn’t have the money.

After I hung up the phone, I cried like a small child. I was mentally and emotionally burnt out. Nothing had worked. I quit.

Not long after sending the email to the principal, she called me, concerned.

“I had no idea you were going through this. You’re so warm-spirited and interviewed so well. I know from the outside looking in things can seem like their ok. It’s rough right now with everything going on, but I can give you twenty-eight hours per week if this will help. I can offer you a job and you won’t need a car because the state has decided to go back to virtual learning.”

Still sobbing, I was taken aback. I was laughing and crying at the same time and it confused the hell out of me.

“Ok,” I answered. “I can definitely use twenty-eight hours per week.”

She sounded relieved. I could sense she felt bad and hated to hear a new hire crying over the phone. I didn’t have any pride left to be embarrassed either. This was comforting.

Later, I found the strength to call the bank and ask about the car. Luckily, I came across two competent representatives that helped me understand what I needed to do to get it back.

They told me that I needed $2,115.56 to get my baby out of car jail.

Seeing that I only had $0.04 in my bank account, I’d say that was a stretch. When I expressed this to the lady over the phone, she put me on hold and got the price down to $1,510.80. That seemed doable because I finally had a job.

I didn’t have my pay schedule yet, so I couldn’t give her a definitive answer on when I could pay. I opted to call her back when I had more information about the new position.

After collecting all the information, I decided that I wouldn’t be able to get it back as the first check would be going to rent. This was hard to accept, but I was in survival mode and I was so damned tired of worrying about every little thing.

To my surprise, she pushed the issue and implored me to reconsider. Then she went on to tell me a story about how she experienced a similar situation, except she had children. I was shocked because usually, these companies don’t give a f*ck about the person. They just want their money.

All in all, she was able to extend the payment due date to the end of December and lower the price.

I still don’t know if I’ll be able to get it back because it’s too early to tell (amongst other factors), but what I do know is that I start work tomorrow morning and I found an outlet (Vocal.media) to share my experiences.

It didn’t take me long to learn what this entire experience was about: MONEY.

In the past, I fixated on making money because I was taught that money was incredibly hard to come by. I had to work hard for every dime, it didn’t come easily, and it definitely didn’t grow on trees. My relationship with money was learned and skewed.

I never wanted to pay bills, so the Universe made it to where the bills wouldn’t be paid.

My mindset wasn’t the prime reason for my shortcomings. Sometimes things just happen that we don’t foresee and can’t control. What I’ve learned is that I can control the way I think, feel, and handle money.

I’m not saying that I’m financially irresponsible. I’m 70% satisfied with the way I handled money in the past (and this includes the car).

I’m saying that I’ve worked jobs I hated simply because they paid well. I’ve given people the benefit of the doubt because they made more money than I did. I’ve lowered my standards because of money. The main cause of my stress is the relationship I have with money.

Experiencing these things has enabled me to perform some deep inner work and the solution I’ve found is that when you’ve done all you can do and then some, C’est La Vie. It is what it is. Go with the flow.