6 Ways Ordinary People Squeezed Positivity out of Tragedy

I’m no different from anyone else in that I’ve had plenty of tragedies in my life. They taught me that life isn’t fair.

In this article, I am going to demonstrate how to turn negative life experiences into positives by giving you three examples of people whose mindset was never “Why Me?” when tragedy befell them. It was always “Why Not Me?” and how their example can help you make a positive impact on your life and the lives of others. Some names have been changed to protect privacy.

#1.Harriet — my friend of 40+ years. If ever there was a person on earth who had the right to bemoan, “Why Me?”, it would be Harriet.

After more than a decade of battling the disease of Substance Use Disorder (previously referred to as the disease of drug addiction), her 31-year-old son was sober, living at home, working in his dad’s business, and counseling others with SUD. Until the morning she found him dead on his bedroom floor from what was later determined to be a drug overdose.

· How she pulled a positive out of that situation:

How does a mother cope with that? Of course, she was shattered, but she told me that she was grateful that she was the one who found him and that he died at home. Her worst nightmare through the years was that a stranger would find him dead on the city streets, and she would get “The Call.” If there was any peace or positivity to be found in such a tragedy, it was that he died at home.

She has been writing and speaking about SUD awareness in her community ever since.

A little over a year later, her husband was killed in a freak auto accident in which another car barreled through a median and smashed into his car, shearing off the top.

Once again, she was devasted but told me that Al had been unable to come to terms with their son’s death. He blamed himself for not being able to help Michael defeat his substance abuse. He erroneously felt that he could have done more to save his son. He was in agonizing emotional pain and could not cope with the loss. She said that God took Al so he could be with their son. That measure of positivity gave her some degree of peace.

A few years later when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she never said, “Why Me?” She bravely faced the situation with her doctors and a treatment plan. Chemotherapy, a mastectomy, reconstruction. Not an easy road, but she did what she had to do without complaining, and is today, cancer free.

And then………..on June 26, 2022, her youngest daughter died after a six-year battle with a rare type of cancer. — Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma.

Upon learning of Stacey’s death, I called Harriet immediately. She asked me to please not say anything. She said there are no words. Of course, I honored her request and let her do the talking. She said that she will never get over it, BUT she wanted to talk about the positive experiences she treasured that she and Stacey had together during the six years of seeking treatment.

While Stacey was undergoing weeks of brutal treatments at a Boston hospital, she left her home and family in New Hampshire and moved in with Harriet who lives in a Boston suburb. The time they spent together was precious.

When Stacey felt well enough, they talked and talked and talked about everything they never had the time to talk about while Stacey was busy raising her family. They spent quality time together which Harriet said she will treasure for the rest of her life.

This is NOT to imply that the cancer was a positive experience. It is just her way to squeeze some positivity out of a dreadful situation.

When the cancer took Stacey’s eyesight, with resilience she inherited from her mom, her attitude was not, “Oh, Why Me?” It was — “ What can I do to make my life livable with this? How can I learn to get around, to do everyday tasks?” She wanted to live as positive a life as possible under the direst of circumstances. A lesson she learned from her mother.

#2. Lily — another friend of 46 years, who has readily admitted that she has been damn lucky for at least the last 20 years.

Lily has been happily married for 52 years, has no money worries, and has been blessed with the best of health.

At 74 years of age, while all her friends and relatives have been dealing with medical issues such as diabetes, blood clots, heart problems, collapsing vertebrae, MS, Parkinson’s, and obesity, to name just a few, she has zero health problems, except for osteoporosis and a tendency towards low blood pressure. She has maintained a steady, normal weight for over 40 years, walks on the treadmill daily, and does not smoke or drink.

For the last five or six years, she has been saying that she is waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. She said that she has been too lucky, and she was waiting for something to happen.

Her mother died from Alzheimer’s Disease, so honestly, we have both been watching for signs of that disease in her. There have been none.

However, when her luck did run out, the shoe didn’t drop. The entire wardrobe fell on her. Stage 3 esophageal cancer. Out of the blue.

Of course, there was shock. There were tears and stress. But she never moaned, “Why Me?” Instead, she went full steam ahead to make a plan to deal with the grim diagnosis.

Within a week, she had met with a team of Boston esophageal cancer specialists, and a plan of chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery was set up.

She said there was no sense in whining about it. She had cancer, but there WAS something she could do about it, and do it she would.

I won’t go into detail as to how savage and debilitating the chemo, radiation, and nine hours of surgery to rebuild her esophagus were on her body. But with determination and a positive attitude, she made it through. She is currently suffering through a very rough recovery at home.

I’m not going to downplay it. The surgery was extensive and will change the way she lives and eats for the rest of her life, but the point is the positive manner in which she is dealing with it. She has never once bemoaned why this happened to her. She accepted that it happened; it sucks; but she’ll deal with it.

#3. My Story — When my husband developed Alzheimer’s Disease and our entire lives were destroyed, I never said, “Why us?” Instead, I said, “Why NOT us?” I’m no Pollyanna, but I have always believed that everyone gets hit with something during their lifetime. For us, it was Alzheimer’s Disease.

It was devastating, life-changing, and tragic. But we were no different from the millions of other families it had touched.

· How I focused on the positive:

I was desperate for help. Alzheimer’s Disease affects spouses in a different emotional manner than caring for other relatives with the disease. The entire marriage changes. The Alzheimer-afflicted spouse you fell in love with and married loses their identity, memories of your life together, and the qualities that attracted you to them. You can no longer communicate as husband and wife.

Who would discuss this? Where could I find a support group for spousal issues? I couldn’t. There weren’t any. So, taking the line from the iconic movie Field of Dreams –“ Build it and they will come”, I built it and they came. In Droves.

I built a website exclusively for spouses of Alzheimer’s patients (www.thealzheimerspouse.com)to discuss their unique issues. Apparently, I wasn’t the only spouse struggling with these marital Alzheimer’s issues. The need was so great that much to my surprise, the website exploded.

Within DAYS, my message boards were flooded with spouses from across the country (and eventually the entire world) thanking me for starting the site. They were as desperate as I was to discuss and seek help for Alzheimer’s Spouse issues.

During the eight years the site was active, up until my husband’s death in 2015, I immersed myself in learning and teaching about Alzheimer’s spousal issues.

I researched, attended conferences, spoke at seminars, wrote over 800 intensely personal blogs about our emotional journey through Alzheimer’s Disease, and attended the annual Washington, DC Alzheimer’s Forum four times as a Florida delegate.

The website and my blogs were highlighted in an NBC online feature story (After clicking the link, scroll down to the second story); I was interviewed on radio programs, won awards for my writing, and for bringing awareness to the issue of marriage and Alzheimer’s Disease.

Did any of this ease my heartache at losing the love of my life? No. Did it cure Alzheimer’s Disease? There is no cure. It is 100% fatal. Have I gotten “over” losing him 7 years ago? No.

However, to this day, 15 years after I launched the website, I still get emails and messages from spouses who thank me for helping them through the worst time of their lives.

I answer them honestly — that they helped me as much as I helped them. Their sharing of experiences; the advice they gave me; the friendships we formed; the support we gave each other — these were invaluable experiences that I will never take for granted or forget.

I am also honest about the guilt. My success on the back of my husband’s horrific illness and death is an underlying pain that never leaves me, but I am still proud of having used the worst thing that ever happened to me as a platform to benefit thousands of others.

In an attempt to continue to help others understand and cope with Alzheimer’s Disease, I have written a series of informative articles for Vocal that can be accessed under the Alzheimer’s Disease category in my Vocal Table of Contents.

My message to everyone for 2023 and beyond is to focus on changing the “Why me?” to “Why not me?”, and face your problems with a positive attitude and positive plan of action.

Please share your story with us. Have you been able to squeeze anything positive out of a tragic situation in your life?

©Joan Gershman 2023

Originally published in Medium Publication Illuminated Curated under the title Life “Ain’t” Fair -Learning to Turn “Why Me?” into a Positive Experience -The Numer One Lesson to Carry into 2023

©Joan Gershman 2023