2021: the year i unpause my life

Fresh starts are not easy when you're not happy. A fresh start is what i needed for years, but i've been too afraid. I've been hurt, that type of hurt that it shattered me into pieces, too many pieces i couldn't glue back together.

The picture is me about three years ago, one of the last times when i felt on top of the world. It was taken a few days before i was promised the world, only did i know two weeks later i was told i wasn't enough and shown the door. I cried for three months, each night when i felt asleep and woke up. I threw myself into work only to avoid going home, to avoid feeling. Three months later i met a wonderful guy that managed to make me laugh and soon after, and you are probably thinking it right now, we started dating. I liked not having to think and just being wanted again felt good at last. Fast forward to two years and a half later, a certain pandemic hits us and i got furloughed.

And this is where it all started. Where the need for a fresh start, the need to want to feel good again and not avoiding the mirror and myself, the need for something more. Over the last year i was slowly closing myself, being triggered more and more by my last relationship, being unhappy but pretending i was. What i really was though, I was tired of pretending i was ok. I was so afraid of things getting too serious, that i pushed him away. We broke up, amicable, in August and i felt free.

Did you ever got that feeling that, while it hurts, you are no longer stuck. Lockdown after lockdown, I entered 2021 with a new mindset, with a healing process slowly starting, and a resolutions list. It's time to unpause my life, take the rains and learn to love myself, learn to be once again on top of the world. This girl needs help, but this girl is ready to be happy again.

So what does a fresh start mean for me?

A fitness passion rekindle: i used to love fitness, so i want to focus more on getting healthy, getting fitter and getting stronger. So those home workouts, here I come :) My goal is to workout two to three times a week even if it is just 15 minutes a day.

A healthy mindset: optimism is a learnt skill and i am focusing on relearning it again. Positive quotes, wellbeing books, apps and piano sleeping songs are just a few that are helping. I am taking it one day at a time. One action at a time.

A new job: avoiding myself in the last couple years also meant feeling stuck in my workplace. So this year i want to take time and understand where i want to take my career next. I need to be challenged again and I want that for me. I like my current job and the people i work with, but at the same time i get more and more the feeling that i should doing something that i am passionate about and not just because i am good at it.

A better relationship with myself: and this is the hardest one for me. I hated myself for so long, reflecting seems scary and even opening up here it's hard. But here I am, writing the words I've been afraid to let out for so long.

So, 2021 it's time you and me work together. Help me in my journey.

It's time we make you my fresh start in one or more aspects of my life. It's time to un-pause.