Today I can break down

Feeling lost when life is too much, what can you do? Alone, in the dark room, staring at the world via the tall window, you wonder how it would feel like to have someone care about you. You wonder how it would be to have a safe place to run away from everyone. How it would feel like to have someone who would hold you and kiss your face as tears pour down their cheeks? The feeling of love that you could share with another person.

Most recent days have been okay. But not today.

It started as such a good day. Productive, did some work, enjoyed a delicious cup of coffee, but then everything changed in a blink of an eye. So you allow yourself to feel sad. Funnily how all you read and hear is about changing your mood, but sometimes it's good to cry, to let it all out. Your life is going well from the outside, but no one knows how much you struggle. How much you have felt alone lately. As tears fall silently, you watch the cars on the road, listen to the world continue to exist.

What am I so afraid of? Why won’t my thoughts get better, why won’t life just be easy for once? You start asking yourself.

The only things you have right now are memories, people close to you. And while it would be nice to think there was someone around you waiting to take care of you, that there is someone looking after you at all times, there really isn’t. No matter how many friends you have, it will always hurt. This time I feel like I want to hide. Like there will never be anyone to talk to. To open up to.

Just you, and the world.

Alone.

You look out the window once more, and try to think about something else, anything else. Maybe if you keep doing that maybe you'll forget about all the bad stuff that has happened to you. But as your vision starts to blur, you realize this isn't true at all. You can't just turn off your brain every night, you know. If it goes away you won't have the strength to carry on tomorrow, and you need to be able to fight for yourself. You can't do that anymore. You're starting to see things through a lens made of glass. You're getting weak, and you don’t even know where to begin. Everything is blurry, and yet everything is clear at the same time. You can still remember how it felt to be happy, how it feels to be loved. It’s hard, it hurts.

You try to quiet your brain as you keep looking out the window. Tomorrow you will build yourself back up, listen to a podcast, take a walk, work. But today you are breaking down and that's okay. What matters now is to find peace in all the mess inside you. So let it all out, cry, feel the feeling, but then when you go to bed take a deep break and let it all go.

You are sure to find that in this big city, surrounded by the noise and people. There is nowhere to escape from the darkness, no matter how far you run. But if I can find that here in the heart of a gloomy London, it might be worth trying.

And that's what you are planning on doing until you sleep and forget everything that happened to you today. For the next three hours, you are nothing more than a simple, normal girl staring at the world from your flat.