You Cannot Control Everything

He's flaked on dinner tonight. I swear this is the third time he's done this.

There's barely any toothpaste left. I did buy extra a few days ago, now where did I keep it?

The bread has gone moudly. Cereal it is, wait, no milk.

Where are those headphones? I swear I just put them right here last night.

My uterus cramps are really kicking me today. Guess I've started my period. Mental note to buy more tampons, I'm running low.

What is that sound coming from the washing machine? Got to call someone to get that checked out.

Right, have I got everything? Keys, phone, wallet...mask!

Shit, is that the time? I have that pointless meeting today at 9:30. I need to hurry up.

Finally, the post office is open. Is there ever not a queue at this place?

Low on petrol again. I've already gone well over my budget this month!

I swear these are the slowest traffic lights in the entire world.

And so on. These little micro-stresses in life may not seem the end of the world at the time but these are slowly chipping away at our sanity as the day, or week goes on. It only takes one straw to break the camel's back. You are one more mishap at work, one more misbehaving child, one more unsolicited comment from your relative to set you lashing out and saying or doing things that you will regret.

My new year's resolution is to accept that when things don't go my way, to have peace in my mind to stay relaxed, happy and calm. 'Why does this always happen to me?' does not stop 'this' from happening to me. These are often minor inconveniences that my mindset can nip in the bud sooner rather than later, but it will take a lot of work. In each situation, I choose how to react.

Sure, it would be perfect if trains were always on time, COVID wasn't a thing and bills didn't exist. However, many of these stresses in adult life are completely out of our control such as queues, traffic jams, items out of stock, a gossip-y colleague or an applicance breaking. When in control (such as forgetting to stock up on toilet roll), letting it get to you will not make more toilet roll magically appear. Being grumpy because you are kept on hold from customer service will not mean they deal with your problem quicker. Simply note, and move on.

But how can I move on? That's easy for you to say! I should have known better because this isn't the first time this inconvenience has occured! I'm such a mess, you don't understand.

I completely agree. When I just have to 'move on,' I remember Mel Robbin's 5-second rule in her own words:

“If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it.”

I've found this works even if the goal is to try and forget what you're annoyed about in the first place. I use it also to try and get out of bed for work when it's freezing cold. Simply count down from 5...4...3...2...1 and do the action, like a rocket lifting off. So when I next forget to look over notes before a meeting, I note down this as a reminder for my next meeting and think '5...4...3...2...1' then go on to the next task. Dwelling on it serves no purpose but to ruin my mood.

A toxic habit many of us make is when we could have acted to prevent something from going wrong, we tend to blame ourselves in an unhealthy way.

Why are you so forgetful all the time?

You need to confront them, what's taking you so long?

Stop procrastinating!

Why are you so sloppy?

Why can't you just have your life together?

We would never talk to a friend that way, so why are we talking like this to ourselves? This is going to achieve nothing but more stress and anxiety to your already overworked mind and body. An episode from the podcast 'Feelosophy' by Elizabeth Filips explores how we should parent ourselves as if we are a child that is still learning, which we technically are. You are never going to have it all figured out if you blame yourself for every situation that goes wrong.

What about events that are completely out of our control? Standing in a queue is one of these examples that is a common occurrence for most of us. Long, slow queues are generally unexpected, time-sapping and what on earth did we do in them before mobile phones? Especially when we're short on time, queues are the most inconvenient part of our day.

As part of my resolution, I choose to react with acceptance and will now try and find the bright side of the uncontrolled situation. In a queue, talking to the person in front or behind (they're not going anywhere if you're not!) could ease the isolation. Even a 'Jeez, you'd think they would open another till wouldn't you?' could be a conversation starter. You both have one thing in common at that moment - you're both in a queue, which you don't want to be in. I could take this as an opportunity to put my headphones on and continue my audiobook, or podcast. I may catch up on some messages. I may just people watch. I may play a game on my phone or practice mindfulness by taking in my surroundings. Whatever your situation, you always have options. Before you have those whirring thoughts of 'for heaven's sake not again, is that employee a sloth? I'm already late. I'm so tired, I just want to get home' just breathe. Breathe, and choose to make the best out of a bad situation. Otherwise, your mind will never be at rest and in a constant state of stress.

I could be aggravated in a traffic jam, or take that opportunity to call a friend, listen to my favourite tunes or learn Spanish. It's my choice. Practising good mental hygiene is how I can then focus my attention, with a clear mind on the important parts of my life. It will be not being grouchy to my partner after a long day of work. It will be how I don't concentrate on the book I'm reading because I'm annoyed by how my favourite dress is out of stock. It will be how I keep my mind and body relaxed and grateful for all the positives in my life, of which there are so many.