Whisper in the Crowd

Whisper in the Crowd

We never realize the importance of something until we lose it. The day I lost my voice was the turning point of my entire life. It was a turning point that changed my career pathway and changed the way I view people with handicaps.

My life-altering experience began in April of 1984. Like any other day, I woke early to get ready for work, but unlike those other days, today I had trouble talking. It sounded as if I had laryngitis, but I did not have the usual sore throat that would accompany such a diagnosis. As the week progressed, my voice continued to worsen. I went to my family doctor, who said it was laryngitis and gave me antibiotics. After several weeks passed, I was down to a whisper. I could not talk, and the more I tried, the harder it was. My voice was so tight I developed ulcers on a third of my vocal cords and had to stop all talking for several months. What was happening to me? All kinds of ideas were going through my head. I thought I was going completely crazy and felt at times as if I would have a complete nervous breakdown.

As the weeks progressed into months. I began my journey into a medical hell. I was passed from one doctor to another. Everyone had a different opinion, a different treatment, and a larger bill. I was put on total voice rest, given inhalers, psychoanalyzed, hypnotized, given speech therapy, and medicated.

I never realized the importance of communication until this mysterious condition came upon me. I could not talk to anyone in a crowded room because I could only whisper to avoid strangling when I spoke. Any noise would drown me out. I finally got to the point where I had to carry a writing pad to communicate with others in a noisy environment. I was getting a taste of what it was to be handicapped. I now knew how difficult Life could be for people who were not considered complete. I was treated in many instances as if I were mentally handicapped. People would talk slowly to me, thinking I had a mental deficiency, not a physical problem. Some friends and family cut off communication with me completely. I guess they just did not know how to approach someone they could not understand. Those who talked to me would not speak to me directly but to those with me.

Because of the years of treatment, I became more compassionate to those who are disabled. An appreciation I don't think I had before. It's funny how we believe obstacles in Life are a curse and not a blessing. But God had bestowed a blessing on me that I slowly grew to realize over the many years of suffering from this rare voice disorder. I will now stop and talk with anyone, regardless of their condition. And the most precious gift of all is now I really do listen to others. A skill I was forced to pick up when my voice was taken away. How many people actually listen to others?

In 1990, after living for six years in total depression, I was diagnosed with Spasmodic Dysphonia, a neurological condition that caused the vocal cords' tightness and spasms. I became a patient in a two-year research program at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland. I began receiving botulism toxin, also known as botox, into the muscles controlling my vocal cords, reducing the spasms considerably. Since I began receiving botox, I have regained 80 to 90% of my normal voice. Because of my experience, my career changed, and I became a nurse to help others. To this day, 33 years later, I still must continue botox injections every three to six months. This I will do for the rest of my life. Botox has been a blessing to me because I will never have to whisper in the crowd again.