"What do you hate about yourself?"
Well, if we're being honest, a lot of thing about me are less than pleasant. I am a complicated creature that loves to simplify my complicated features; I am a man that hates confrontation and a woman that craves conversation. I am an 18-year-old child with a wild imagination that stops when my feet touch the ground; I am a realistic 18-year-old adult that is down to earth and hates when people make impossible interpretations of their own reality.
But what do I hate about myself? Truly, honestly?
I hate that I'm human.
See, the expression people use when they make mistakes is "I'm only human," and yet as a species we are just so proud of ourselves; we reek with the insistent stench of narcissism. We are so stuck on the fact that we have thumbs and a brain large enough to figure out that a stick and a rock could be useful. And I'm glad our ancestors were smart, of course, but we have lost the fundamentals of a good human as we spread like a disease on earth.
Now let me explain why. Why do I hate myself?
I hate myself because as a human, I can see. Yes, I love my sight, but it is a hurdle as well. It blocks my ability to see passed physical means; it is a handicap I must overcome, a blessed tool I must learn to work without. I hate that I see in such an artificial, skin deep manner at times.
I hate myself because I associate my happiness with the fact that I can smell peppermint. My nose is another thing I love and appreciate but why must I judge someone because they do not smell like the latest most attractive cologne? Personally, I am not a blooming rose. I hate that about myself.
I hate that I have sensitive nerves. I can't take light touches; my skin tickles and I squirm away like a whisper from listening ears. I love snakes but others, they see with unseeing hearts and 20/20 vision and feel slime on touching fingertips; judging, assessing, and assuming. They hate that which they do not understand because sight has already taken note, "I will not touch the slimy snake," and the smooth, cool scales are left alone.
I hate that I can hear myself breathe. It makes me nervous and self-conscious and loud when I am trying to hear silence. It makes it hard for me to think about anything but myself, which is a dangerous state of being.
The thing I hate most about myself is the fact that while I hate these qualities, I love them. I love that I can see my family and hear them speak; I love that I can smell peppermint and feel the texture of my bed. It is a conundrum, a vortex of love and hate, indecisive and at times, destructive. But I can't help it, because I'm glad I have thumbs and and make mistakes because, "I'm only human."
How does that apply to me?
Well, that's up to you, really.
I am very aware that my self-loathing is mostly directed at impersonal matters, but I don't hate myself much outside of those noted reasons. I don't like that I am a heavy girl, I don't like that I have scars and stretch marks and an addiction to sunflower seeds and cheese, but I don't hate it.
I was raised in a harsh environment that gave me a defensive but open minded outlook on life. I am a compassionate but cold person who somehow is able to logically understand the illogical in a way that is not related to book knowledge but personal opinion and, at times, wisdom.
Therefore, I have been able to make straightforward conclusions and decided to stick with them. They have become my guidelines and rule book. If I could choose a name, it would be:
Basics on How to Be a Decent Human Being
So I can love myself.
I will put them down so you can, maybe, hopefully, follow them yourself. You might not agree with them, and that's okay. You're entitled to your feelings. It's completely up to you, but who knows. They might help you if you ever become as lost as I was; I found the light on my own when I was in a very, very dark place.
- If it won't effect you next year, it isn't worth fussing over. Had a bad day? Spilt milk all over your car? Don't fuss over it. Deal with your problem and get over it, there isn't any reason to linger on it. The only thing your doing is further ruining your day.
- Stay calm and don't lash out. Did you delete that important paper, the one that will help you pass that expensive college paper? Did you forget that presentation for work and now you have to drive an hour home and back to get it? Don't take it out on others. Stay calm and figure out how to fix your problem. It's your problem and it isn't fair to make others deal with your emotional baggage if they don't have to.
- If you do something, do it right. Self-explanatory, yes, but seriously. Don't half ass it or be lazy. You'll learn fast when it backfires and you ruin something or get in trouble.
- Leave your drama at the door. Your home is a haven, and if it's full of yelling and stressful conversations that could be avoided, it's becomes an inescapable hell instead of a place of comfort. Just leave the anger at the door with your shoes and jacket. Trust me, it helps.
- Be kind but be aware. Don't act like a jerk, but remember that not everyone is appreciative or nice. Don't go out of your way and get hurt helping others, either. You can't help anyone if your so broke you can only afford cabbage and bread, let alone if you broke yourself.
- Don't judge. Sure, you can say that they're rude or look like a frog but don't judge. It's a complicated rule, but a straightforward rule. Humans judge on instinct. I can see a huge woman go by and think, "Wow, she should lose some weight." But that doesn't make me judgmental, it makes me human. It's the next thought that determines you as a person. "It's not my place to judge," and, "You're one to talk," are usually my thoughts after I realize I've judge them like that.
- Think. Yeah, I know it's another complicated rule. This one can be dangerous, too. But think anyway: about how you feel, why you feel that way, about what you think a good person would be like and why. What and why are the key questions. How, when, where, those are nice too but they don't help, not in the way I'm hinting at. What and why are harsh and open ended; they give the room to ponder and wonder. Just don't drown while you swim; remember that you matter and even when you can't find the answer, not everything is meant to be questioned or answered. Sometimes you got to swallow without chewing. Just accept it, even if it's hard.
- Love yourself. It's hard, but love yourself. Even the cruel or twisted parts. Love that you can and can't, that you're flawed, and that you matter, even if no one else thinks you do. That's the best part; you matter most, because when your alone, you are the only thing that will be with you. It's you against the world. Take that thought as a challenge and empower yourself, because even if you live your whole life without accomplishing anything, you lived. You wouldn't exist if you didn't matter.
- Live your life. No one else is going to deal with your emotions or problems. No one else is going to wear your skin or walk in your shoes and live your life for you. If your parents don't like your choices, tough. They aren't you. If you choose to be happy and that doesn't fit someone else criteria, than that's their problem. You chose to be happy and healthy for you, not anyone else.
- Don't expect anything from anyone. They are not entitled to do anything for you. It's harsh, but true. Don't expect your Mother or Father to care for you, don't expect you siblings or friends to take your bullets. You mom and dad created you. After that, it's your problem. If your parents do love you, great. If your friends and family would take bullets for you, you are a lucky person. Yes, you can expect things like love and support from them, you can depend on the important people. But don't expect things from people, because people have their own lives and their own things to take care of. You are not everyone's priority.
Like I said before, this is how I view things and how I chose to be a good person. You don't have to listen or act upon the silly rants of a young millennial, but you can learn if you choose to. I make mistakes too. I'm flawed. I'm young.
"We're only human," after all.