Weighing In

Throughout my life, my weight has fluctuated drastically.

As a child, I was the ‘skinny’ one. Too thin to be called ‘slim’, I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and not put on an ounce of weight. My ‘tween’ years were spent looking a bit like a colt — long arms and legs with large hands and feet. I never had a bit of belly fat. My metabolism burned calories without me ever having to worry about what I put in my mouth.

That was in the 1990’s — before the health and exercise craze and well before I took time to learn anything about nutrition. I never established a routine of healthy eating and exercise.

Through my post-secondary years, I got a bit heavier — looking back now, I finally looked healthy. When I married my husband I was a very healthy 135lbs. I then put forty pounds on during my first pregnancy and didn’t lose all of it before I was pregnant with baby number two.

After my daughter was born, life changed for me. My career changed, we moved houses, and there was just an ‘uprooting’ of my life. I felt like a lot of my life was out of my control. I tipped the scales at 150lbs. I’m not a tall woman — at most, 5'5" — and this was considered to be too much weight for my frame. My doctor suggested I lose a few pounds. For the first (and only) time in my life, I went on an actual diet. I enrolled in a program and religiously weighed in at the centre three times a week.

When I commit to doing something I invest myself 100%. I was 100% driven to succeed in this diet. I wanted to be 120lbs again. I was 29 years old and wanted to be the same weight I had been at 16.

The crazy thing is, the diet program supported this. They encouraged me to eat less and less and when I hit that 120lb mark they encouraged me to keep going if I wanted to. It was not healthy and had become a psychological game as opposed to a diet. Without consciously realizing it, I went from wanting to be healthy and lose a few pounds, to wanting to be thin. I wanted to be as thin as the women I saw on television and social media.

At my lowest, I weighed 113lbs. I was 30 years old, with two toddlers, a busy professional life, and every waking moment I thought about food. I did not allow myself any alcohol, sauces, carbs, or processed foods. My diet was extremely bland. I was always hungry. I was always planning the next morsel I would allow myself to consume and then forcing myself to wait just a little longer. Pictures were taken during that time that show I looked like a skeleton. I was always tired and if I ate too much I would punish myself with extra time on my elliptical to burn the calories.

I look back on pictures of me at that time and am repulsed by the person I see. I look at my eyes and see just how lethargic I had become. My temper was volatile — going from happy to sad to mad in moments. As much as I had managed to achieve and surpass my goal through extreme control, the rest of my life was out of control because of it. My relationship with food was unhealthy.

Despite this, I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. There was no ‘rock bottom’ or ‘moment’ that stands out as the point that I needed help. The truth is, I just canceled my membership to the diet program because I didn’t want to pay for it anymore. After two years of being absolutely consistent, I slowly stopped following their regiment. I slowly started reintroducing ‘extravagance’ into my diet — tasty dishes that contained sauce, carbs, and a little bit of alcohol.

The weight packed on. The metaphorical pendulum swung in the other direction and a few years later I was again too big for my frame.

But here’s the thing: I was happier being heavier, than when I was thin.

I had energy, and although I suppose by the ‘books’ I was not at a healthy weight, I was never so large that it prevented me from doing what I wanted. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I tried to consume in moderation — rarely eating or drinking to excess. I just tried to be happy.

Ten years after the day I signed up for that diet I found myself in a very different place. I was approaching my fortieth birthday. I was larger but happy. My kids were healthy, I had healthy relationships with others, and I was succeeding in my professional life too.

I started thinking about what my first forty years had been about. I realized that, for the most part, they had been about me. I had always been thinking, in some way, about what the next step in my life was. I was so busy planning that I had taken very little time to enjoy life. Approaching forty, I had grown to a point where I wanted to start giving back in a real way — I wanted to help to change the world.

I took a lot of time to think. I realized that forty years from now at the age of eighty, I would never feel proud of the food I didn’t eat or the hours I spent at the gym. I would never fondly remember the planning of every meal or the dinners I didn’t attend because they weren’t ‘diet-approved’.

I would regret not spending more time mentoring young adults, volunteering for organizations, and making my business a safe workplace for people of every background. I would regret the positive impact I could have on the world. I would regret meals missed and wine glasses left empty at a table with friends. I would regret not LIVING life to its fullest.

I’m not saying I want to be unhealthy. Being healthy is the ultimate goal.

But being thin never helped anyone change the world.

So, it is no longer on the list of goals I wish to pursue.

In forty years, at eighty years old, I can’t imagine ever saying ‘I wish I’d eaten less. Realizing this has changed the way I approach life.

My metrics for evaluating success in life is no longer tied to my body image in any way. It’s taken me forty years to get there. I exercise for pleasure now — walking my dogs, or just walking in nature by myself. I enjoy yoga. I do not push myself to exercise regularly though — as that would cause me stress. I do what I enjoy doing, and I consume what I enjoy consuming. I truly live life in a way that pleases me.

I’m so glad I arrived here now, and not later in life. I’m at peace with my body, respect what it does for me, and treat it with the care it deserves. I’m ready to see what the next forty years bring, and what I can do to help change the world.

Until next time............................... XO-JGF

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