The Scientist's Dilemma

Spilling my coffee on a first date, dramatically slipping on ice after stepping off a city bus, and unwittingly yelling at my boyfriend to “MAKE ME SOME SOUP!” whilst he was unmuted on a Zoom work meeting - these and many more embarrassing things, I have done. And each were mortifying in their own way. And yet the story I’d like to tell isn’t about any of those incidents. My most embarrassing story isn’t a singular moment, a dramatic gaffe, or a snafu witnessed by many spectators. Rather, it’s a secret I’ve been holding on to, and I’m embarrassed about it even in my own mind. But I’m about to tell you. Are you ready to hear it?

I like modern witchcraft.

Hold on, you say. What’s so embarrassing about that? I came here for a story about you faceplanting in front of your crush or walking into work with a mysterious brown stain on the back of your pants.

Some backstory here might help. You see, I am a scientist. I don’t define myself by much, but scientist feels right. After all, it is my job. I do science research for a living. It’s what I studied in college. I apply scientific principles to every aspect of my life. I am not religious, or even spiritual; those things I rejected many years ago. These things are, frankly, at the core of who I am.

And yet, lately, I find myself reading little "spell books" and buying candles that the maker claims have been blessed under the full moon. I love the smell of oil blends and the look of pretty crystals. I get sucked into Instagram accounts that offer year-round witchy and Halloween aesthetic vibes.

And for someone like me, that’s embarrassing. If this doesn’t resonate with you, imagine it a different way. Maybe you have a reputation as an artist, but no one knows your great shame: you can’t draw realstic hands worth a damn. It’s embarrassing to you because your identity is artist, and you want to be consistent with that image. That’s what it is like for a lifelong scientist to buy love oil blends and moon-blessed candles. It’s not an overt embarrassment. It’s an internal one, the kind that comes from being at odds with yourself.

I remember when and how it started. A little over a year ago, an ad popped up on my Instagram feed for a small business: Little Shop of Oils*. The ad was for a “Love Bundle” that included a Love Spell candle, a rose tonic spray, and a romance body oil. Well, as someone who adores rose scent in all its forms and has a vast candle collection, this immediately piqued my interest. I clicked on the link, and in the description I saw:

“Our products are gemstone infused and charged under the full moon.”

I cringed, my skeptic radar immediately pinging. What does charged under the full moon even mean? I kept reading the website. It made me recoil a bit.

Not the kind of thing I support. I shut down my phone and tried to put it out of my mind.

Yet days later I found myself thinking about that beautiful candle and rose spray and oil. I knew I would like them. About a week later I snuck back to the website and ordered the bundle. But I didn’t tell anyone. Too embarrassing.

The day it was delivered, I had experienced a rough time at work. I got home feeling a bit defeated, but there was the box. I opened it up and saw a beautiful shiny layer of iridescent paper along with crinkly packing strips. A note on top read, “Thank you for being you!” and on the back “Tell someone they’re beautiful today.” Underneath were all my goodies, beautifully packaged, lovingly made. Pieces of rose quartz jingled in the tonic. I love rose quartz. Precious confettis and bits of stone rested in the candle. The oil smelled divine. And I immediately felt so happy. Here was this little gift to myself, so obviously made with care.

The Instagram algorithm being what it is, I began to see a lot more ads like this: ads for candles, perfumes, crystals, oil blends, spells, tarot cards, and rituals. I didn’t buy anything else for a time, excepting a regular restock of rose tonic, which sits on my shelf to this day.

Yet still in the back of my mind, a hint of shame sat. For what kind of scientist endorses such products?

Recently I was browsing the sale section of a website that I frequent for cute clothes and accessories. On the page there was a book called Love Spells - Rituals, Spells, and Potions to Spark your Romantic Life by Semra Haksevar.**

The little romantic, whimsical part of my brain lit up. It was such a pretty book! I didn’t know what the author claimed spells would really entail or actually do, but I just felt inexplicably drawn to it. I glanced over at the boyfriend I love so much, sitting on the opposite end of the couch. If even a little something in that book increases our feelings of love, isn’t it worth it? So I purchased it, curious to see what it included, but all the while feeling that tiny twinge of embarassment in the back of my skeptic mind.

I opened it the moment it arrived. And the very first page grabbed me. On it was written this formula:

Action

+

Intention

=

Magic

Hold on. I thought. That sounds oddly…practical? Then the second page.

Love is

the most

powerful

magic

of all.

Well, that’s actually kind of true.

The next few pages went on to discuss the “mindset for magic". The author recommends an empowering outfit that makes you feel great, a quiet place for centering yourself, a calming headspace, and of course, some potion ingredients. And then, the part that grabbed me most:

“Always remember, intent is the most powerful ingredient. It is important that you show the universe that you are willing and that you also have an action plan.”

I sat on my couch dwelling on this for some time. And then I had to admit something to myself that I really didn’t want to admit.

She’s right.

Everything the author described was, in essence, good self care. Empowering clothes, quiet time, self-reflection, and ritualistic action that motivates real action in life - well, those are wholly relevant and helpful tips for a happy and fulfilling existence. And they exist in so many forms. For some people, it is prayer. For others, it’s meditation. Oftentimes it’s not at all religious - maybe it’s the early morning run that you take each day to create a clean mind and body. Maybe it’s the precious few minutes of solitude you get at lunchtime to listen to your favorite music and eat your favorite sandwich. Maybe it’s listening to a meditation or bedtime story from apps like Calm or Headspace each night.

All of those are rituals.

For myself, it was already the time I commit each week to painting my nails. On Sunday nights I always settle down, turn on my favorite music, and unabashedly spend a few hours delicately painting to perfection to make myself feel pretty, composed, and spoiled. Is that really any different than crafting a little love spell or potion?

The intent is self-love, the action is ritual, and the outcome is happiness.

I then imagined the maker of my candle. And I hoped that she had blessed it with the crystals, under the full moon, with all her heart, believing in her intention to make people happy. And I was a bit humbled.

It's easy to get wrapped up in our identities and the many ways in which we define our sense of self. I'm not here to tell people what to believe or not believe in. I can tell you that I still don't believe in anything supernatural. In the same way that I can’t be brought to believe that any god answers any prayers, I don’t think that oils can heal you or that crystals banish bad energy. There’s no proof for that.

But when the founder of that shop set out with the intention to make people’s lives happier with her products, she did. When I wear the oil blend, it doesn’t do anything “magical” to me. But it does make me smell good and that makes me feel confident and sexy, which increases self-love and romantic love. The bits of crystal in the candle don’t shift the frequency of anything, and yet the smell and flickering light make me feel calm and cozy.

There’s still a bit of embarrassment in my mind for using and reading these things. But I don’t want to feel that way. For as much of my life is grounded in logic, not all of life is logical. Sometimes you just feel things.

So I’ll keep doing science and remain skeptical. After all, I can’t change who I am. But in the meantime, you might just catch me burning my blessed candle and mixing up a little love potion.

“Step one in any love spell is to first love yourself.”

~ Love Spells, Semra Haksevar

*I am in no way affiliated with this shop and this is not an endorsement of their products. It’s simply an important part of my story.

**Once again, I am in no way affiliated with this person or book. It simply changed my outlook on things, and therefore deserves appropriate credit in this context.