The Questions This Former Exercise Addict Asks Herself For a Healthy Relationship With the Gym

As someone with a history of anorexia and exercise addiction, I know how difficult it can be to start working out again without worrying about it becoming disordered. Even 5 years into my recovery and 4 years of living without any eating disorder symptoms, there are still times when I feel disordered thoughts worming their way into my relationship with exercise. This can happen very gradually and without me noticing, so it's important to catch it as soon as possible.

The first question I always ask myself before I start a work out:

Why am I doing this?

It sounds so simple but can be a bit more difficult to get to the bottom of. I have certain set goals: to increase my flexibility and upper body strength, to be able to deadlift my own weight, to wake me up, or to give me an endorphin rush- all of these are 'good' reasons. 'Bad' reasons include things like: 'I ate more than normal yesterday', 'I feel bad about my body', 'I want to achieve — insert unrealistic beauty ideal here —.'

Why do I exercise at all?

I know that I, and many others, can live a healthy enough life without entering the gym. I have active hobbies and I walk everywhere which means I am not at risk of being totally sedentary. It takes effort to stay mindful of my exercise, so why do I do it? It's simply a personal choice. I have always been an active person and so when I don't exercise for prolonged periods of time, I do feel a lack of something in my life. Moreover, in spite of the negative impact it can have on my mental health if I don't approach it my own way, overall I feel it has a positive effect on my emotional well-being. Not only does it provide me with stress relief but it also gives me an alternative way of thinking about my body — not in what it looks like but in what it can do.

Can I take an unplanned rest day without experiencing guilt and/or anxiety?

The above questions are incredibly important but I have reached the point where I can answer them almost subconsciously. This is the one that requires most effort to think about and the one that has been crucial in developing the relationship with fitness and with myself that I have at present. I can enjoy my workout and want to be active every day whilst maintaining a healthy mindset. But even then, if I stop and question how I'd feel if I didn't work out that day, I will sometimes (fairly regularly) be overwhelmed with negative emotions and self-hatred. Not just the usual, nagging 'I kind of should be working out': my body dysmorphia rears its head and anxieties around how much I'm eating (I don't count calories anymore) and how much I weigh begin occupying my thoughts.

Equally, in the past, even since being 'recovered', if family or friends ask me to spend the day with them spontaneously, I have been inclined to decline purely because it would mean skipping the gym. This inclination, to me, is a warning sign that I definitely need to look after my mental health over my physical health.

I know that if taking time away from exercise causes me this kind of anxiety and self-hatred, I need to sit with this emotional discomfort. Taking a rest day or even a rest week is essential because for me, there is a very fine line between exercising because I love it, and exercising because I hate myself. When I was recovering from my eating disorder, my therapist insisted I spent 6 months without any exercise at all, and I am grateful for that because it did enable me to get to a point where I could work out just because I felt like it.

I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get into that position again, and this repeated self-questioning is almost my insurance policy. If I do not force myself to rest at this point, I know that it will be even harder to do further down the line, and the longer I will need to rest for before my mindset recovers.

Whilst there are professional athletes and fitness models and whatnot who do speak about needing to sacrifice going out to lunches or parties in order to prioritise their physique, I am not one of these people. One of my favourite mantras is 'Choose the bigger life' and for me, this means constantly reminding myself that for me, the bigger life does not revolve around my body.