The Monster Inside of Me

January 5th, 2018, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy weighing eight pounds and six ounces. He was my miracle really, I had problems trying to get pregnant in the past and my partner could never get anyone pregnant. Then there he was, like a blessing from god himself. Having Gabriel in our lives we were unbelievably happy, but it didn’t last long.

February 8th, I went to the hospital because I had the flu and felt like the air had been taken from my lungs. Just having a baby, they wanted me to get a CT to rule out a blood clot in my lung from the birth. It was scary waiting to hear if I had a blood clot that needed to be taken care of — but I didn’t hear anything. I did however have to go back to CT three times because they said they couldn’t get a clear image. After so many hours and me begging continuously to get out of that hospital, a doctor finally came to see me about what they had found, nothing could prepare me for the words that came out of his mouth. “I don’t want you to worry but we found a mass on your right lung and you need to follow up with a pulmonary specialist immediately.” My once smiling face dropped as so many emotions overwhelmed me. I thanked him for his time and asked for my discharge papers. I told myself and those around me that it could be nothing and there was no reason to worry, but when I was alone I was a wreck. I felt like I had to hide all my feelings about this new health problem that arose from nothing, I couldn’t even bring myself to show emotions in front of my boyfriend.

I scheduled an appointment with a pulmonary specialist as soon as I could, since I was a new patient most offices couldn’t get me in until late June or even July. However, when you mention a mass on the lung they tend to try and get you in a lot quicker. I waited for what seemed to be forever as the month went by, but then came my appointment and I was hoping for answers. I walked into the office with my anxiety dragging me down but I still had a wide bright smile on my face, because that’s how I cope. The doctor confirmed that it is indeed a mass on my lung. Measuring a whooping 10mm, he told me he wanted to wait three months then send me back for another CT scan to see if there were any changes then we would do necessary tests to determine whether it was cancer or not. A spiculated nodule he called it, if you Google spiculated masses the only thing that pops up is cancer this, and cancer that. Basically it means instead of a smooth rounded mass, mine is a scary spiked mess. I keep telling God I need to be here, I need to take care of my son and be there for him. I think about dying often and what would happen to my son or my boyfriend, I know I haven’t been diagnosed yet but you can’t stop a running mind. I haven’t made it to my three month CT yet and I don’t want to wait, I NEED to know so I can take necessary action. It’s all just a big waiting game I suppose.