The age of irony

Every doctor will tell you to eat healthy, be active and practice self-care. What does this mean to people that usually aren't isolated and are adapting to a new normal? Our doctor may be a phone call away but the short answer is that health basics are being put to the test. With people buying so much bum paper; you'd think you were back in the 6th grade and everyone was going to TP each other's house. Of course it wouldn't be a crappy job; you'd go all out and TP the mailbox at the street. Doctors are another matter but I can honestly say they have never once mentioned "proper toilet paper protocol" for the sustaining of life.

So you feel as though you are in a crappy situation weighing the odds of hitting up the TP eisle first or the rice and beans one. The race for groceries is becoming like an opening Bell ceremony for the stock market but only for groceries. Child medicines, bread and other staple items go quickly while you make your rounds through the store. If a Filipino was asked you'd hear them say that it was merely reduced to a first-world-problem. The phrase really rings true for everyone who remain in isolation. Does getting nails painted, getting a Mani or getting a good foot scrub seem like an unattainable feat? when casinos and spas tell you to take care of yourself. You know it's time to buy toilet paper!

Will toilet paper actually be sold by the square? This actually isn't too far fetched in some areas of the world. I've heard stories of young men selling squares of toilet paper outside of bathrooms in the middle East. Tourists will pay a premium to have enough to do their business and wipe it away. Sanitary paper is "butt paper" or TP. Most people I know are very particular about what brand of TP even gets echoed in the household. TP snobs are quickly parting ways with set ideals of which butt paper will suffice for number two business. Most TP company commercials are very alluring with vibrant music and claims that the use of their brand will be comparable to wiping with a pillow. TP by the square and it's sales aside; everyone has put the notion of preference aside and will even stoop to the good ol 1-ply; you know the one that feels like sandpaper?

Many are squirming to know what very intense information have we been hiding and not talking about. Does TP have a shelf life? Do you truly want "recycled toilet paper? - (does that mean it's been on a bum before?)

TP is a very prized asset in many parts of the world but especially the Americas. Usually bleached white, it comes on rolls often filled with defacto poop tickets. The rolls are not shiny like lotto ticket rolls but when they are empty; They are empty! How nervous do you get when you just went on a battleshit voyage and you are pulling into harbor with one square? One square may not even get half the booty whole clean. Pickiness over TP brands subside and bidets aim to spray a stream of products into the clean bum campaign of 2020.

There seems to be special coding on every TP package that outlines what you get. It's good to memorize such terms as sheet, roll, yards, ply and funky words like absorbancy. So bum paper really has a bad wrap. It sometimes comes in almost wax paper type packaging if purchased as an individual roll. Other times the paper is sold in bundles or packs. The marketing of packs has changed drastically over time. 4 pack , 6 pack, 8 pack and 12 pack were common denominations you could purchase toilet paper by. THEN... Something crazy happened. They started lying or half way telling how many rolls you were getting. For example; we now have 9 roll doubles which claim you are getting 18 rolls. I count them an I only have nine. DUH... my mind says; they are double rolls! However TP decides to measure itself; it's scarce.

So what is a bum to do needing to be wiped and all? That's simple; a mechanism virtual or sound in the predication that it must be cleaned or wiped of excrement. We are in 2020 having debates like: do you bunch or fold? This is a very personal and intimate question that isriveting bath stalls around the world. Which method conserves the most paper? Before it literally never mattered. Now you quickly question yourself as to whether you are using a fair share of poop tickets to do the deed. Bidet or not bidet that's the question.

As you may have guessed; many are robbing the hose from the kitchen linking in mysterious ways the sprayer to the toilet supply line giving endless bursts of cold water onto a bum needing to be clean again. Now the dishes are piling up and no sprayer to rinse so the dishes never get done. Move right in to the paper plates and bowls. WAIT ... Those are in shortage to and this article is about TP. We can't take away from the seriousness of a bum paper shortage. Bidets are a top shelf item when creativly solving the problem of cleaning the dung from the bum after a number two is abandoned from the derier. Save a square use a squirt is the new mantra many are living by.

Can you not handle the pressure of using a bidet? Your first time can be fluttering. It's hard to expect what might happen. Will the stream be too cold? Will there be air in the line? Will your muscles tense up when they get showered by your bidet? These are common wonderment ideas to be tracking on. Don't be so happy to vote nay on your option to get a bidet.

It's like your bums personal shower. This has to be recommended by a doctor right? It seems so foreign of a concept to spray clean. Why wasn't this information presented to you during a routine physical with your doctor? Is it just common knowledge to know how to effectively use a bidet? Is it sanitary? Are you supposed to air-dry? What angle is one to hold the bidet? Is it used in an upright fashion?... or does one use the ol under-the-leg technique? There's lots to say about how one might spray. Doctors to reign in on opinions of whether the bidet is safe to spray.

Just know you are loved. Paper is scarce and everyone's bum relies on pillow like squares to wipe away or a shot of cold water from a bidet. They call it self care for a reason. We have no preference on how you unravel your toilet paper.

Catch ya later,

Slick-B