Tai Chi On the Gowanus Riviera

Dear Summer,

I understand you to be quite deceiving. Your representation to me, I find conflicting. You truly make me think.

I love the idea of the solstice. It kind of gives us the ultimate reason to celebrate, and brings together all of our beliefs, everywhere.

But then...there's reality, right? There's the fact that we spend the entire spring building and growing. But the moment right after we celebrate the solstice, we lose a minute of sunlight every day for the next six months. It's a little sad, right, but it's natural. It happens every year at the exact same time.

I've got to tell you, I'm so fucking angry right now. Not at any one particular person, or thing, it's just a general all over feeling. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

Perhaps I'll speak with you later in the week.

Much love,

Karen

MONDAY:

• Made a $25 donation towards my electric bill.

• I did a 1 minute meditation on my bus ride to work. The on line moderator kept count. It was a part of Spotify's "Daily Wellness" channel. I kind of dig it. A lot.

• I did 5 minutes of Tai Chi on the Gowanus Riviera just prior to my shift starting.

TUESDAY:

• Meditated as soon as my eyes opened. Took an Om Immune Defense, which I typically refer to as a 'shroom.

• I didn't really get moving till 12:30pm. But then again, I truly earned this day off. Run's House. VH1 Hip Hop Family. Pluto TV. Priceless.

• My first meal of the day was Just Egg, Beyond Meat crumbles, and veggies.

• Washed dishes. Twice. Brewed tea. I made a lot. It's all in the refrigerator. Glass jars rock. I am out of every form of black tea. So today's brew was simple green tea, yerba mate, turmeric, and cardamom.

• Voted then ran. Nike, 20 Minute Run. 1.04 miles.

WEDNESDAY:

• I was tired all day. 8 hours in a face mask is exhausting. Headache. Fought it as best I could, with what I had. It was tricky. But I knew when it was time to turn to a manager to say that I was stepping outside for five minutes. She asked if I was feeling okay. I told her that I just need to breathe some real air. She's the one who typically antagonizes me. Not that I care. I take things from whom they come. But she was cool about it. Which is a good thing since it gave room for others to antagonize me.

• Brought a sandwich with me to work. Ate it before my shift started, which was 6:45am.

• Don't give up the ship.

• Spotify. Daily Wellness. Both to and home from work. On the bus. Delightful.

• Roasted mushrooms I marinated overnight.

• Beyond Meat burger. Bitchin' sauce. Vegan queso. On an Ezekiel bun. With pasta on top. Yes, pasta. Reminiscent of the Beast Mode at Cinnamon Snail. Beastmode Burger Deluxe: Ancho chili seitan burger grilled in maple hickory bbq sauce with jalapeño mac n cheese, arugula, smoked chili coconut bacon, and chipotle mayo on a grilled pretzel bun.

THURSDAY:

Dear Summer,

I'm pissed that I'm a supermarket cashier, where my manager used the term "elderly" to explain why we were opening early. And I'm supposed to be thankful for this, and show gratitude, while separating myself from a word they chose. My job awards me the opportunity to see a therapist, who thinks insurance fraud is a valid path to free health care. She's a mental health practitioner, treating me for PTSD for gawd sakes. Am I really supposed to participate in a crime, in the hopes that I don't get caught, just so I can see her?! I understand that she needs to eat, but trust me when I say that orange is not my new black. No offense E. Rodriguez or MSB.

I'm mostly angry with myself for allowing it to happen, for allowing this to become my life. I thought for quite some time that I was really good at my previous profession and that it would lead me to something else, better, greater. My previous job was quite unique, and hard to describe on a resume, and I don't think it exists anywhere else. With the exception of the White House, and we're just not going there.

I spent 27 years in a creative field, nearly 20 years committed to one organization. I believed that what I was doing was for the greater good of humanity. Silly me, I thought life would turn out differently based on what I put into my life, the world, and New York. And now I feel like I'm getting fucked on every side. Each day I report to people, who continually antagonize me. I allow it, because I don't really care. I pick up an item, I scan it, and put it in a bag. It's terribly mindless, and I use none of my skills. The one responsibility I had in both places was to Keep Management Happy. And I was far better at it working in the arts than I am now. It doesn't matter what I do in life. As long as I work for other people, my job is to keep management happy. Right now I am a shit show with a terrible sucking sound, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm 52, not that that's old. It simply means that there's only so much bullshit I'm willing to put up with on any given day, with however many days I have left on Earth. Now according mental health practitioner, I'm not supposed to say that my life sucks, or that I'm a fuck up, even if I believe both statements to be true. There's nothing she nor anyone else can do to change that. She even suggested that I should think about being a supermarket cashier someplace else, which leads me to believe that she's not aware of the struggle within my internal plot. Maybe it's my internal wiring, I have no idea. What I can tell you is I've been living with this low-level feeling of anger for a while now. My menstrual cycle is a bit fakakt, which may have something to do with it. But the rest of it is on me, and I would be doing a disservice to myself pretending everything is okay, or that my situation is different. I'm talking about my perspective right now. But I'm trying, and hanging close with co-workers, who I adore, who offer me something in this fakakt a place.

And for now...I must advocate for myself, my health, and insurance.

Love and rockets, remember them?!,

Karen