Swallowing the Spider to Catch the Fly

From July 2015 to July 2016, I was part of a clinical trial for an antidepressant drug that is not yet on the market. I worked with a psychiatrist and a team of nurses to maintain dosing and monitor my health throughout the study.

Going in, I was skeptical. I'm the first person to say that pharmaceutical companies make customers, not cures. I believe that a pill doesn't solve all of your problems if you remember to take it regularly.

The team was very cautious about approaching my treatment because they knew just how much I was against it at first. With lingering depressive symptoms and no other methods to try before this, I signed on because it was low risk and no cost to me. They listened to my story completely and took consideration for dosing and health habits. They checked, double checked, and triple checked how I was feeling to make sure that this was an appropriate route of treatment for me.

The medication definitely didn't give me any sort of clarity, insight, or special power over myself. What it did was make things easier to make connections, give me a slight push to get on with the day, bridge the gaps between thoughts and emotions, and a few times a week, whether fleeting or sustained, I started to feel that one emotion that I could never recall experiencing for my whole life before starting this journey: happiness. Unabashed, shameless happiness.

Regular pastimes and activities started to feel right and satisfying; for the first times. Prolonged interaction with people started to be more fulfilling without putting in the extra effort to divulge the meaning. All other emotions were enhanced, too. Nothing felt hollow anymore. The hues of gray in my life lightened up a little.

The psychiatrist told me that I would have to put in all the work if I wanted to get the most out of the medication, and I feel like I did that to the best of my ability.

When the trial ended, the team told me that this medication is meant for short term use and was not meant for a lifelong routine. I supported this. I believed I would be able to be off medication for most of my life, and I also wouldn't want to become dependent anyway.

I still believe that medication doesn't solve anything for you. I still believe that many people are on medication for long periods of time for lack of anything proactive and healthy in their lives. However, I also know that certain people are disposed to being on medication for profound neurological issues.

I still believe that medication is a last resort and should be considered carefully. If anyone out there is considering psychological help, please consider all angles of treatment and find the best option for you. If you're on a medication now and you want to consider dosing down or stopping, please consult your healthcare professional.