Sex and the Spirituality.

I remember being in my early 20’s at work one day and having a conversation with a group of women in their mid 40’s about sex. They would tell me that they used to pretend to be asleep in order to avoid having any sexual intimacy with their husbands. When they told me this I couldn’t believe my ears. Why would you purposely want to avoid physical intimacy with your partner? At the time I was oblivious to the rumors that married people have less sex than those who are not married and I couldn’t seem to understand why?

I’m not ashamed to admit that I had always had a high sex drive which became apparent to me in my early 20’s. I used to think that something was wrong with me because I would be so sexually demanding of my partners when in a relationship. One day I decided to Google if this was considered to be of ‘normal’ behavior. Turns out it was a well known behavior, and from the description I was considered a ‘Nympho’. I’d never even heard of this word before, but the meaning had matched me to a tee. So when these married ladies told me that they no longer desired sex with their husbands I found it extremely hard to believe. They laughed and advised me that my sex drive would die down with age and that this Nympho nonsense I’d told them about was merely just a ‘phase.’ They told me that once you have children (I’d never said that I wanted children, they just assumed this) that this would happen. “Once you come home from a long day in the office, or you’re suffering from aches and pains or you have the classic ‘headache excuse’ you wont be in the mood to have sex anymore,” they said. I remember replying “I come home from long days at work and sometimes have aches and pains too, but that doesn’t stop me!”

At first I thought these women were being selfish. Why wouldn’t you want to please your partner? Why wouldn’t you want to have sexual intercourse with your partner? I soon realised my misjudgments, women are not part of a marriage to please their partners with sex. In fact a lot of people are still uneducated to the fact that just because your are married does not mean that your husband can have sex with you at any time he likes. Both people must consent to it, both people need to be in the mood and both people need to be willing. This made me look at relationships in a much deeper way. What were the other ways in which you could achieve physical intimacy with a partner without actually being physical? And this wasn’t just conclusive to intercourse, this included all types of intimacy such as kissing, cuddling, holding hands etc. What if there were times when you didn’t feel like being physically intimate with your partner but wanted to connect with them on a different level? A deeper level of physical intimacy. Did this exist?

As I reached my 30’s I realised how empty some of my past relationships had been as I had been so focused on the physical intimacy. I had realised that something was lacking and I found myself less focused on the physicality and starting to look at intimacy in a whole new light. I already understood that intimacy could be achieved in the simplest of forms, for instance; sharing a deep conversation over a glass of wine or bonding over an activity or interest. But physical intimacy? Learning that it could actually be a lot more than just sex and touch and it was actually a whole lot deeper than that. I had always enjoyed mental stimulation and could never really feel physically open or connected to a partner without it. However, at the time I lacked the true understanding of its importance in a relationship.

My spiritual awakening happened beginning of last year. I had always been open to spirituality prior to this and practiced some of the teachings and techniques, but I never quite felt it like I do now. Since then I have become much more enlightened, in touch with my own needs and wants, healing past traumas like my childhood and the most important one; setting boundaries. Before this I really sucked at setting boundaries, which in the end became my biggest downfall in relationships. I was always worried about the other person too much and trying to please them and make them happy, instead of focusing on my own self growth. Eventually I had to learn the hard way how to be more selfish with my time and to put my own desires first. Following this I decided to fully focus on myself so I practiced celibacy for a period of time. Old me would have never of thought it to be possible, given that I had described myself as a ‘Nympho’ in the past. Either way it was something I had achieved and I can’t even begin to describe the power that came with it.

After my chapter of celibacy I started to do my research on tantric sex. I wanted to further understand the various other ways in which two people could embrace in intimacy without actually touching, but through the exchange of energies instead. The thought of it sounded magnificent and instantly reminded me of the film 40 days and 40 nights (2002). I remember thinking to myself I hope to experience this one day, the feeling of being so intimately bonded with another person that even if a lack of sex or infrequent touching were to ever occur, we could survive it and prove the rumors wrong. When you relate this back to spirituality, I can only assume that this would be exactly the way a deep soul connection would feel like. This took me back to thinking about those married women I’d spoken with, who’d so knowingly advised me that my future sex life would end up doomed from marriage or a long term commitment. I couldn’t help but think that this could actually be one of the many reasons behind the lack of intimacy in their marriages.

Either way, come of age and spirituality, it has taught me that a high sex drive doesn’t mean shit, unless you’re doing it with someone whom you truly and irrevocably connect with.