Self-Esteem: Why it Matters and How to Build Yourself Up

How we feel about ourselves changes as we move through life. The attitude we hold and the intrinsic value we see in ourselves impact the way we relate to others and view the world. Self-esteem matters in many different ways. When we don’t value ourselves, we’re easily angered, more prone to stress, anxiety and find it hard to value others. We're also less likely to take on new challenges or explore opportunities.

Healthy self-esteem – where we value ourselves and our growth – enables us to acknowledge our mistakes and accept criticism. This mindset can help us grow and improve our skills and competencies. It also helps us to be more outward focussed and accepting of our world – we’re more comfortable giving and receiving compliments and our behaviour tends to closely match our words.

Self-esteem is different from self-confidence, self-efficacy and even self-compassion, but it plays a role in each. It is difficult to believe in our ability to succeed when we feel we lack intrinsic worth. Even self-worth is slightly different from self-esteem as it tends to be an outward recognition that humans are valuable beings, worthy of love. Self-esteem is inward-looking.

The physiology of low self-esteem

We tend to fold in on ourselves when our self-esteem is low. This leads to us shutting other people and new experiences out. This mental and emotional state has physical manifestations too. Our feelings of disconnection, internal and social rejection cause our heart to slow and the regions of our brain that communicate pain become more active. Our emotional state heightens our physical pain.

This emotional and mental distress bleeds into our physical being. Our hormones respond by ramping up cortisol while dialling down progesterone. Cortisol is closely related to our fight/flight reflex and the sympathetic nervous system. Higher levels of cortisol are linked to an increased risk of diabetes, heart disease and a host of other serious ailments.

Along with playing a role in reproduction for both men and women, progesterone has a sedative effect on our bodies. Known as a calming, mood, sleep, libido and bone enhancing hormone, it’s also a precursor for testosterone production. When progesterone dips, our energy levels take a dive and our bones, hair and weight are also impacted.

Where self-esteem comes from

Our self-esteem and attitude towards our own worth are shaped by lots of different factors. Our early years and the reactions of others toward us are one part of our developing self-esteem. Genetics, personality, healthy, social circumstances and more all play a role in the regard we hold for ourselves.

None of the aspects of how self-esteem is developed hold full sway and neither is self-esteem fixed. We can improve upon the way we see ourselves. When we do it is likely that we will be able to create more meaningful connections, derive more satisfaction from our work and play, and find more purpose in living.

Personal stock-taking to build self-esteem

We all have strengths and weaknesses. When our self-esteem is low, we have a tendency to weigh our weaknesses more heavily and discount our strengths. However, taking the time to write a list of each can help us to view ourselves in a more balanced way.

There is no need to judge our strengths or weaknesses when detailing them. A classic tactic we use when grappling with low self-esteem is to devalue our achievements and strengths. Avoid doing this by simply noting ten strengths and ten weaknesses. It will help you to begin viewing yourself in a more realistic and measured way.

Take time to do something you enjoy

Self-care is important. Some activities allow us to let go of our thoughts and judgements for a while and simply be. By doing a little of what you enjoy each day, you can slowly build a feeling of intrinsic value. When you exercise your autonomy in this way, take time to listen to how you are feeling right now.

Choose something that you enjoy and show yourself some love. Your self-esteem and feeling of intrinsic worth shouldn’t be tied to ideas of achievement, other people’s opinions or societal expectations. When we build solid self-esteem that is not dependent on outward approval it can become a rock on which we can base fortitude upon. Learning to be kind to yourself will help you to see your worth and value who you are more highly.

Adopting a growth mindset supports healthy self-esteem

A growth mindset sees setbacks and mistakes as opportunities for development rather than examples of limitations. How we view ourselves and our abilities can determine everything. A fixed mindset believes our qualities, traits and even skills are unchangeable. But this is not tre. We are continually developing, growing and changing.

Starting with small fun challenges and building up to larger challenges improves confidence and with it a bank of memories that we can look back on as evidence of things we appreciate about ourselves. Even if we don’t triumph in the challenges we’ve set for ourselves, we can appreciate our effort, persistence and strength of character for trying something new.

Be a friend to yourself

It’s not uncommon for people to speak to themselves far more harshly than they would a friend, colleague or even someone they don’t like. Listen to your self-talk and when you catch yourself speaking harshly, rephrase your words to be kinder and more compassionate. Show a similar level of understanding and kindness to yourself as you would to a good friend.

How we feel about ourselves impacts the way we interact with others and our world. Learning to value ourselves simply for being who we are will bring more internal peace and harmony but also create happier and more fulfilling relationships with others too.