Self-Care Don't Care

I’ve been working at a community health center in a predominantly Latinx neighborhood of Boston for two years and I love working with such a diverse population. I’d wanted to work in mental health for years and I dove headfirst into my role as a Behavioral Health Clinician. I was warned about provider burnout and encouraged to practice self-care. "Make sure you take care of yourself," my coworkers said to me on the first day. "Oh, yeah, definitely," I replied. But stupidly, I believed burnout wouldn’t happen to me because I was doing what I love to do most: help people. So rather than eat lunch or go outside or read a book on my free time, I spent all of my free time on work-related tasks: writing notes, phone calls to patients, etc. I read articles and watched videos on mental health issues. I submerged myself in my work, convinced that my passion for it would never get old.

But 8 months later, I was no longer 'diving in'; I was drowning! Holy smokes, I thought after seeing nearly 30 patients in 3 days. This burnout stuff is real. Thinking I was immune to it was mistake number one. Mistake number two was identifying burnout and doing absolutely nothing about it, hoping it would go away. Rather than go away, it got worse.

For starters, there was zero room in my brain for my spouse, making conversation at the end of the day impossible. My inability to be present made me feel guilty. The guilt stressed me out. The stress caused me to lose sleep. Loss of sleep ruined my exercise routine. Lack of exercise ruined my healthy appetite. Unhealthy carbohydrates (pizza, chips, candy) ruined my concentration, which impaired my ability to do what I love most: help others. Burnout is not only real, it’s freakin' destructive.

Ironically, I was spending a lot of time educating female patients on the importance of self-care. Many of them are women from Colombia, Ecuador, El Salvador, Honduras, and Guatemala; they often come seeking help for their "nervios" (anxiety) and their "animo" (depressed mood). I was raised in a Mexican/Cuban household and know firsthand how the roles of women in our Latinx culture have been dictated by men and handed down from generation to generation.

I watched my mother cook and clean and do laundry and raise us and essentially make the world run smoothly for all of us, including my father. She never 'took time for self-care,' she never bought herself clothes or anything for that matter. Every penny she earned and every free moment she had was devoted to us. I appreciate her sacrifices, but I can understand now why she so often lost her temper very quickly, why she snapped easily, why she smoked incessantly and seemed very anxious all the time.

She too was taught the same thing:

Your husband and children come first, period the end. If you make time for yourself, you are not attending to their needs, thus making you a horrible wife.

Or.

If your entire world does not revolve around your husband's needs, don't be surprised when he a) cheats on you and b) hits you and c) leaves you or d) all of the above.

Getting these lovely, hardworking women to wrap their heads around 'self-care' has not been easy, but neither has it been impossible because there is no ship that cannot be turned around. The trick has been helping them find things that make sense for their lives and circumstances. For example, suggesting to a woman who has two full time jobs and raising four children that she spend a whole day doing something she loves is ridiculous—she would no doubt think I'm an idiot. Instead we work on finding little pockets of time where they can take a moment for themselves before rushing off to the next and fill it with an activity that is solely for them and nobody else. Sometimes they tell me they look forward to coming to see me at the health center because they come alone and do not have to take care of anyone. For 45 minutes once a month, someone is asking them how they feel and what their needs are.

It doesn't matter what you do for a living or from where you are from. We all have the potential to get completely disconnected from our passion or purpose; we can easily lose sight of what we love when we do not make time for ourselves.

How would you know you are nearing burnout? What are the symptoms that might help you prevent a full blown screaming at your kids in the grocery store melt down? Prevention is crucial because once you’re burnt, you’ll probably need to take time off and go completely off the grid, which isn’t always a feasible option. Knowing the warning signs can help you prevent burnout and also make you pay more attention to self-care.

And no, self-care is not just about getting services in a spa. In fact, self-care is really up to you because only you know what feels good; there’s no ‘right’ way to do self-care. The important thing to remember is consistency and never negotiating your free time. I go for short walks WITHOUT my cell phone. When I get home, my spouse leaves me alone for 30 minutes, otherwise he will die; I lay on the couch and do absolutely nothing. I make time to read books for pleasure and yes, I am that person who orders paint by number sets. All of it works for me.

So… what works for you?