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Screw Your Self-Help Bullshit

If you can't be f*cked anymore. I've got some tips for you

By Liam M Published 2 years ago 4 min read
Top Story - January 2022
28
Screw Your Self-Help Bullshit
Photo by Photoholgic on Unsplash

Self-help articles are boring and repetitive. Get a new job, actually quit your job and live the easy life. Screw your self help bullshit;

Sleep in

If the key to success is waking up early, then you must do the opposite. Why would you want to wake up at a reasonable hour when you can lay in bed all day? The later, the better; this way, you'll ensure that you feel like a piece of shit when you finally drag yourself out of your stink pit.

It's essential that you start your day in the least respectable way possible. Don't shower or brush your teeth, wear dirty clothes, and definitely don't eat well or exercise.

The worse you feel, the better the result.

Live like a pig

Now you drag yourself from the stink pit that is your bedroom into the rest of your apartment. You should never attempt to clean any of the mess from the previous day/week/month; this will ensure you sink deeper into depression and remain unhappy.

Every room has a function. For your terrible life, this function appears to be a trash can.

When you live in such an environment, you reinforce the fact that you are worthless, like a piece of trash.

Procrastinate like a God

Everyone has these crazy moments when they feel productive. Should you ever feel this way, ignore it, and carry on scrolling on social media.

After all it is the best distraction. Just pretend you're researching for your next big "project". As long as you spend at least 6 hours a day on social media, then you're doing it right. Listen to Joe Rogan in the extra time. He'll tell you how to live your life.

Tomorrow is a new day, you can start improving your life then. You can relax for one more day. It's OK, in the future you will have plenty of time. Stay in bed today; you can get to work tomorrow (maybe). You're not the kind of person to feel regret; it's better to argue with people online.

Talk shit about everyone

Make sure you bad-mouth everyone. Family and friends are the targets. The closer they are, the better. eAfter enough hate they'll stop speaking to you. That's exactly what you want, more time to procrastinate, alone.

Stay in your comfort zone

Let your comfort zone dictate what you do in life. Anything that creeps outside of the zone may possibly improve you. It's also very uncomfortable, so best to stay deep in the comfort zone.

High all the time

They say the answer is at the bottom of the bottle, so best to drink a few bottles every day to make sure you become the wisest person in the room. Staying drunk also helps you avoid any responsibilities you may have. If you have something really serious, you need to do hit the town harder than ever. Go AWOL for a week; ignore your phone and friends. Eventually, your problems will fade away, with all of your money and motivation to exist.

Spend your money on useless shit

If you're not spending your money on drugs and alcohol, you can waste it in other ways. Gambling is a great way to ensure you have no savings. But if you want to collect useless shit, you'll never use then act impulsively. More impulsive people are fun anyway; you want to be that fun, irresponsible person. Spend what little money you have left and make sure the bank account stays at zero. Who needs savings when you can get a dopamine hit from spending money?

The more useless it is the better, as long as it makes you briefly feel happy in the moment. Concentrate on buying avocado on toast every day, and only ever drink coffee from Starbucks.

Bonus tip; use a credit card to make sure you're so far in debt. You only have one life after all. #YOLO.

Hate successful people

Anyone else who is more successful than you doesn't deserve it. You definitely deserve what they have.

Compare yourself to them to make yourself feel worse. Fantasise about what you'd do if you were in their position, whilst hating on them for being rich.

Aim low

People who have aims in life end up disappointed. That was you can avoid feeling this disappointment. Better make your goals really easy to achieve.

The cherry on the cake

If you follow every piece of advice in this article, you can ensure that you will forever be an unhappy piece of shit. Not everyone wants to be successful after all.

But if you do want to improve it, do the opposite of everything outlined here.

I will admit that self-help articles are full of the same repetitive bullshit. It gets bloody boring and repetitive, so I figured I could use this opportunity to poke some fun towards such articles.

*Disclaimer* This is obviously not a serious article. Take the information within at face value, don't take drugs, and don't sue me. Ta.

satire
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About the Creator

Liam M

** I am trash **

Brit living in Germany, living the sober life. I grew up as a trash bag, but now I associate as a human.

Writing about life, sobriety, money and all things in between

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  • Justine Crowley7 months ago

    There is some value to self help books and articles, because after all, aren't we writing them here on Vocal Media? See it all as advice, and take it as a grain of salt, as people are using their voice and sharing their own journey. People do not apply everything that they read. Take what resonates, and leave out the rest. The key is to use your intuition.

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