Prone to Saying the Wrong Thing? Got a Struggling Child?

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman is a bestseller which I was fairly late to discover, but it’s worth a read if you want to understand your social experiences, develop greater emotional intelligence, or perhaps improve your own or your child’s prospects in life.

The book starts off looking at neurology — the workings of the brain — and recognising that some unconscious emotional responses are triggered before we’re even aware of them, and before we have a chance to think what an appropriate response would be.

So, our initial reaction is instinctive, and we may later regret having responded in the way we did. Harnessing the power of emotional intelligence can get us responding more appropriately.

Goleman explains that a lot of emotional intelligence is developed in childhood, given the right circumstances to develop a healthy social and emotional life. There are ways to teach people emotional intelligence, and examples are given throughout the book.

The first chapter is pretty complicated, going into a lot of complex biological reactions, but if you find that hard work, it’s worth reading on, because the rest of the book is an easier read.

The book goes on to show how emotional intelligence includes social skills and how these are vitally important to success in life. People with good social skills will often do better in life and feel more contented than those with poor social skills but high IQs.

Emotional Intelligence, says the author, is self-awareness, knowledge of how you feel, and it enables you to show empathy to others.

The book also talks about the effect of powerful emotions on other parts of the brain, saying that students who are angry, upset or depressed, don’t learn — because emotions are all consuming, and take away the ability of the logical brain to function at its best.

This really resonated with me, because I was bullied at school and was constantly upset and depressed because of the relentless bullying. I look back and realise this meant I couldn’t concentrate on my school work, because I was always on edge, upset, and re-running emotionally exhausting experiences through my mind, even while the bullies were actively bullying me in class. I’m sure it didn’t help my grades.

But the book explains that if you’re more aware of how your emotions are affecting your life, you can learn to manage them better. This can help you in many walks of life, at any age, but it’s critically important in healthy child development.

The book looks at anger, empathy, the contagious nature of emotion, medicine, trauma, family life, and other related topics, including how training can help to develop greater emotional intelligence in children. It’s a fascinating read, if a bit hard going in places.

There’s a lot of emphasis on child development, so would be good for a parent who’s worried about their child’s emotional development, their child’s relationships, or whether their child might benefit from some of the approaches to emotional development training outlined in the book. Adults might benefit from it, too.

I struggled with social relationships as a child and I wonder if this kind of approach might have helped me. It’s certainly an interesting and insightful read, and I can see why it reached global bestseller status after it was published back in 1995.

Here’s the blurb, from the World of Books:

"Is IQ destiny? Perhaps not nearly as much as humans think. This text argues that our view of human intelligence is far too narrow, ignoring a crucial range of abilities that matter immensely in terms of how we do in life. Drawing on brain and behavioural research, the author shows the factors at work when people of high IQ flounder and those of modest IQ do surprisingly well. These factors add up to a different way of succeeding in life — one the author terms “emotional intelligence”.

"Emotional intelligence includes self-awareness and impulse control, persistence, zeal and self-motivation, empathy and social deftness. These are the qualities that mark people that excel. They are also the hallmarks of character and self-discipline, of altruism and compassion. As Goleman demonstrates, the personal costs of deficits in emotional intelligence can range from problems in marriage and poor physical health in adults to eating disorders and depression in children.

"But the news is hopeful. Emotional intelligence is not fixed at birth. Goleman’s argument gives insights into the brain architecture underlying emotion and rationality. He shows how emotional intelligence can be nurtured and strengthened in all of us. Since the emotional lessons a child learns actually sculpt the brain’s circuitry, Goleman provides detailed guidance as to how parents and schools can benefit from this."

It might be worth a look if this sounds like your cup of tea!