On the path

The pandemic has caused so much disruption in so many lives. I'm an assistant principal at a high school. I see and hear and feel so many things. Some of these things are beautiful and inspiring. Others are grief ridden. Sometimes the stress is so much that it warps your mind. You find ways to deal with that stress. The choice is yours to make. You can make a healthy choice and workout, or go for a walk, or meditate, but most people take the easy path and self medicate.

For years, I chose the easy path. I drank. Heavy. I got to the point where I could finish a bottle of high proof alcohol in a few hours each night and wake up without a hang over.

....and that was on a regular day.

In the months leading up to the shutdown, I did what I could to keep my students and staff calm. There were the usual fights. The drug searches. Searches for weapons. All of this may seem shocking to people who aren't in education leadership, but I can tell you that it happens daily, regardless of the school's location and the median income of the population it serves.

I remember the kids suddenly wearing masks and face coverings. The fear in the air was palpable. In the days before the shutdown, less and less students came to school. And then the shutdown hit. I was disappointed in so many ways. I was worried about my students. I was worried about my staff. I was worried about my family. I had been training for a powerlifting competition, and it was shutdown. It was for a charity and I had raised quite a bit of money. At that point in time, it was the one thing that kept me going...not so much that I had helped the charity's ability to help children, but that it was a reminder that my own children needed me and that I needed to dig deep.

The worse the pandemic became, the worse my mental state became. I hid in the bottle for a good month. I was already fat. I got fatter. And this is where everything crashed. My wife was fed up with it all.

Through all the stress of our daily lives as educators, we never took the time for us. If there's anything you take away from this...if you are a new couple, or a couple having problems...date each other. Commit to finding each other daily. We learn. We grow. We change. You will not be the same people you were when you first met. Commit to dating each other and strengthening your bond. My wife and I never did that. We broke each other.

I drank for many reasons. To escape. To escape with her. To get her to talk. To have fun. To relieve stress. Eventually it was to drink away sadness and guilt. I was surrounded by negative energy and was attracting more.

My wife and I loved camping. Our most recent setup was an immense 5th wheel camper. We had a seasonal spot we would go to on the weekends. It was great most times. But we started falling apart. She lost a lot of weight...I got fatter...my drinking got worse. She had had enough, and it showed. One weekend, we were constantly fighting and couldn't stand to be near each other. We hadn't had sex in 6 months at this point. We went home and she decided to go for a bike ride.

She was gone for two hours. I decided to take my daughter for a walk. We walked to the neighborhood park and we were on the bike trail when I saw my wife slow rolling with another man. They both had the "Oh shit, he caught us" look in their eye. I walked back to the house with my daughter, and my wife and I kept arguing. She told me that she never wanted this life, had been a mother and caretaker since she was 19, and that she just wanted to take her money and go. I swallowed my pride and anger, and thanked her for being honest and telling me. I told her I loved her. That I was proud of her. That she was all I ever wanted. And that I felt that we are growing apart. She tried to tell me that I had nothing to worry about with the guy I saw her with, but there was something in their reaction and their eyes that will always make me think otherwise.

I continued to drink. She continued to distance herself. Everyday was a new low for us. On the good days, we tolerated each other. We stopped being affectionate. No kissing. No embracing. No holding hands. She kept making comments about my size and weight. I decided to do something about it.

I joined a powerlifting gym. In 7 months, I lost 80 pounds. I am still on that path. I stopped drinking so much. I still drank at that point, but not as much. Then it all crashed.

One night, my wife and I were drinking, and I told her a story about work. She said "It's about time you stopped letting people walk all over you." She's said this before, but this time, it stung. Bad. I thought hard about the past year and a half. The arguments. The lies I caught her in and the lies I told her. Faking happiness on both sides just to get through the evening. I had enough. The next day, I confronted her about a second social media account she may have had access to. She lost it. Her response wasn't "Oh my, someone is using my phone number to access this other social media account", she said "Why are you checking my messages?" She packed up some things and went to a hotel, and then to her mom's. She's been gone for over a month as I write this.

I hit a new low. I was drunk every day for a week. I kept lifting, but continued to drink. That's when I had a moment of clarity. I stopped drinking. I sought counseling weeks before. But I also reached out to a college friend who I had not spoken to in several years, just to say hello. It was like we never lost touch. She set me on the path to enlightenment through reiki.

Reiki is everywhere. It doesn't just surround us...it IS us. Everything you see, touch, smell, feel, or taste is made of energy. We are all connected to everyone and everything.

My friend told me about her experiences, and then shared reiki with me. It was the greatest hug I had ever felt. Loving. Healing. Safe. But she wasn't even in the same room with me...she was 60 miles away.

The intent of this journal is to serve my highest good. In sharing my experience with you, I intend to share the light that guides me and continues to heal me. My intention is to share my experiences in healing myself spiritually, mentally, and physically. When you heal yourself, you help others as well. I pray this journal and its succeeding editions guide you to a healing path of your own. With love and gratitude, thank you for reading. I look forward to the next time we meet.