Now This

What is supposed to be a relaxing time for me to unwind from the day or for most people a energy burst to get their morning started has turned into an emotional, horror filled event.

It starts with me building up the courage to know that I can make it through next 20-25 minutes of shear terror. Once I have built up the courage, I make sure my watch is charged significantly to insure if something happens I am able to call someone. If I fall my watch will automatically notify emergency services so I must have some article of clothing close by.

Yes, falling in the shower is common these days for this lady in her 40s. I’m very embarrassed to say. It starts with hard to breathe, then feeling like the shower is closing in on me. I can’t seem to catch my breath, my body becomes very weak and everything goes dark. I usually try to get out and get to a chair or the toilet before I hit the floor but sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I am unable to do anything other than let these events take over my body and circum to the symphony that is to leave me on the bottom of the shower floor, helpless, naked and afraid. Will this be the time I have significant damage or minor bruising? Will this be the time my heart completely overcomes to the abnormality? Will this be the time I am unable to wake up in time to alert the emergency services that I’m ok?

I come to and see the shampoo and conditioner bottles, the body wash bottles, razor, loofahs, etc laying around me and yet again as I was going down I took the shelf with me. What a mess! I really should get it together. Well that will have to wait, I have to complete this process. Rinsing the shampoo out of my hair and as the clumps of hair come out I begin to cry.

This is becoming too often. I am beginning to see more of my scalp where before I had the most beautiful, thick, silky smooth hair! My hair was the envy of most people and I’m watching it go down the drain and with every rinse more and more is coming out. A quick conditioning, I’m so tired. I’ll have to bathe tomorrow. I don’t have the strength.

I look at my watch and my heart rate is 133bpm. Oh Lord, help me get through this rinse! I get through with more clumps of hair falling down my leg into the shower floor. The tears are falling and I’m so weak I have no choice but to get out. I grab the towel and make my way to the toilet to sit down. Completely out of breath and emotional I take a few deep breaths and dry off while sitting there waiting for my heart rate to lower.

My husband comes in, “ are you ok?” I answer, “yes, no.” He helps me to the bed. I’m really not this person. I’m an independent, strong women!

Seven months! Seven months I have been going through so many mystery illnesses and the doctors I have now are trying to help me. I have had 3 GI doctors until I found Dr Holcomb, who is stopping at nothing. I’ve had a neurosurgeon who I will not name due to his horrible treatment. I am in the process of seeking another neurosurgeon with better bedside manner and who actually cares about the concerns I have with my treatment. After all I’ve had this body for over 40 years and this illness for 14 years. I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on. My cardiologist is also my husband’s cardiologist, which is normally a good thing, I’m not so sure I’m as pleased with him in treating me as I am with his treatment of my husband. I’m giving him a second chance.

Today, I will be scheduled for another test which I will swallow a couple of pills and go to the hospital for X-rays a couple times throughout the week so the doctor can see how things move through my GI tract. I am also being referred to a nutritionist/dietitian due to my hair falling out and other lab results.

This is a part of my journey! Join me for the next story.