Am I Strong Enough

Many years ago I was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses, yes, you read that correctly. MULTIPLE CHRONIC ILLNESSES. This is not something I saw when I was planning my life at the age of 17. A handsome husband, 2 boys and 2 girls, a beautiful home with a small farm, I wanted to be a pediatrician and my husband needed to be a rugged guy who like working on the farm and building things. I found that when I was 14. He was 19. Oops! Well we had to wait, at least until I was 15. (This is another story for another time!)

Today I will talk about how I got to where I am today. Is there really a chronic illness for everything? In February I started having problems with my stomach and I was admitted to the hospital for an obstruction in the bowel. So horrible this thing they call an NG tube. Oh, I can still taste the substance from my stomach today. This tube they ran through my nose, down my throat and into my stomach to remove the contents of my stomach was the most disgusting taste and smell. After five days in the hospital they had no diagnosis. At least nothing new to add to my already long list of chronic illnesses.

Oh yeah let me give you that list...

Chronic fatigue, chronic migraines, chronic headaches (yes there is a difference), restless leg syndrome, bradycardia, fibromyalgia, anxiety with depression, bipolar, ankylosis spondylitis, intercranial pressure, chronic abdominal pain, diverticulosis, osteoarthritis and my latest postural hypotension syndrome.

I feel like a 90 years old lady in a 40 years old body! I have been in bradycardia since March 2020. My heart rate doesn’t go above 45 unless I am active then it jumps into the 120-140 range causing my blood pressure to drop and I faint, which is the syndrome (according to my most recent diagnosis).

How to live in a body where I feel 90, a brain where I feel 19 and look 30? Well I’m mostly depressed, some days are harder than others, but I take it one step at a time. I’ve learned wine is great for calming, my devotions, quotes, affirmations and meditation are the source of sanity. Journaling helps get the anger, frustrations and feelings of helplessness out of my head.

Today I chose to start this adventure in writing. I’m giving it a try to see where it takes me. The career I had is over due to me recent decline in health. So here’s to another adventure and countless journeys ahead.