My Quest to Understand

I'm a Mission Realmer - I'm not sure why this one label - this one identifier felt so much like home. It seemed to be the lock to which I had always been the key. It was as if once spoken - those two words opened this space within me to explore and hold and remember more than I ever thought possible (and I think a lot!). You see, I love labels! And let me be clear about this - I love that labels can offer a common language - a starting point. They are a frame within which you paint the picture. One piece in the beautiful tapestry that is each of us. I do not like boxes that parade around as labels - the restrictive confines of that have no place with me. So, please understand that when I use labels, I use them as a launching pad - as a point of reference, much like a single star that combines with countless others to create a galaxy. I see infinite possibilities in labels and I love to collect them. You can read about some of my other ones here, if you're curious. Alas, I digress.

I have been looking for the language of me for as long as I can remember. I was a dreamer as a child and a poet in my teens - writing my acceptance into existence. Trying to find a language for me that others would understand. For this being that just didn't seem to fit - but didn't seem rejected either. How could no one else see that I was simply a great chameleon. Over the years, this has been how I learn. I live into the experience, absorb all I can, fully lose myself in it - and when it starts to feel like a pair of pants that has become tight in small and nearly imperceptible ways - at that point, I pack what I need and I leave. In my earlier years this manifested within my friendships - usually one single best friend at a time. I would deep dive into their world and eventually detach and anchor on to another. And to be clear, this amounted to around 6 best friends though elementary and high school. I took my deep dives very seriously. Even while I was swimming in the world of the other people around me, I also held this very strong sense of self. This strong knowing that I knew who I was; all I had to do was remember.

After graduation, these dives turned to romantic partners. Driven by the romantic tropes devoured by me in my teen years, I would blissfully fall for the partners that paid attention to me - mistaking attention for understanding. I would move into their orbit until is also grew too small. I was never afraid to fall, especially after the first few times. I learned that I had so much strength in my heart and this undying curiosity that kept driving me forward. I knew that I could rebuild myself, and I do usually understand something better if I know how you put it together after it's broken. This process of losing to find became my default way of engaging with the world.

In the last few years I have began to look less to lovers and friends and family to find myself reflected back at me, and more to systems and archetypes - spaces that love labels as much as I do (though maybe not in such a free way). The first one that I fell in love with was the Meyer's Briggs Type Indicator! I embraced being an INFJ with a vigor I hadn't experienced in a while. I even dated another INFJ and flew down to Florida for an amazing week together! Making sure to put a beautifully cheesy post in the Facebook group where we met; giving hope to all the other romantic nerds who always felt a bit out of place. The romance didn't last, but the friendship did and I am so thankful that my heart takes these chances that I may learn.

Next to the plate was Asexuality, and it was harder to find a community in this. There are so many variations to how this manifests in someone's life that it's a label that has sub-labels that have sub-labels. Regardless, it did give me a way to have conversations with new partners in a way I had not been able to before. And that's what all these systems are for me - they are all a starting point. One potential common point of reference where I can begin to weave the string art of my soul and you can weave yours. Because through my life, this has been my most desperate seeking - for understanding. In this constant dance between me understanding myself and others understanding me.

Recently this search has become more internal than ever. After my first Akashic Record reading, it was like I was given permission to continue this dive into myself. Then I leaned about Human Design and it cemented that. And in that, I am also coming to see that I don't do this so that everyone who meets me will understand me, will "get me" - I do this because maybe there is someone else who can benefit from my searching. There is a comfort for me in learning the structures, the systems - the way the world is supposed to work. In this I find the freedom to bend it and break it as needed. Every deep dive into a framework allows me the flexibility to dance in this incarnation of me - to see that we're not all meant to be the same. That in fact, our differences are how we will best compliment each other and build community. As Ram Dass said "we are all just walking each other home".

I am a Mission Realmer and a Manifesting Generator. These are the spaces I am the happiest dancing in right now. The Akashic Records and Human Design are calling to me so much and I am happy to be sharing this all with you. As a largely left brained individual, leaning into my intuition, my flow, my most aligned self is an adventure I'm excited to continue! Because I know that it doesn't require me to be less of who I am; all it requires is that I continue to be more! I'm looking forward to sharing more with you about navigating this "trust your gut" intuition in conjunction with my "but how does it work and why" brain - both which are connected with a heart that simply cannot stop believing in the kindness in the world. Thank you for being here and reading this. If it resonates with you, please keep an eye out for more of my writings. Always learning - Learning in all ways.

If you'd like to chat with me about any of this, please find me on Instagram @CurioCity_Ace and let me know that you found me here.