Inner Bonding

I recently discovered Margaret Paul's Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Parent to Your Inner Child.

I have not read the book yet but plan to now, especially after watching her speak on the process of inner bonding and its role in easing the negative feelings coming from abandonment.

I had a short but meaningful conversation on Facebook about the idea of mothering myself to heal from past hurts and reconcile with certain behaviours I have experienced from others, have then internalised and also reconcile with behaviours that I am now exhibiting. This specific conversation I had mentioned the fact that I had lost my mum 9 years ago.

I have been told that loving myself, choosing myself, and prioritising myself in the face of adversity was selfish. However, Margaret Paul speaks on the act of self-love is not selfish. In fact, the act of giving yourself up and making other people responsible for you is, in fact, a selfish act and also an act of self-abandonment. Profound! It is never a good idea to sacrifice the love you have (should have) for yourself for the love of another. Over the past few years, I have been on a journey, some may call it a spiritual journey, others an emotional journey, and others may just call it life; however, I had come to the realisation that self-love and compassion is a necessary step to finding peace.

I used to always be so harsh with myself and still am:

Why are you such a pushover?

Why are you so emotional? Stop crying! Pushing myself to anger!

Then, I will reprimand myself for becoming angry and upset. And I rejected myself and my feelings.

But this created an unhealthy internal environment of almost perpetual conflict. I am still learning to be compassionate with myself.

During the Facebook conversation, the below a writing was shared:

"Eliminate the immediate need to hold it all together.Exhale useless pride. Continue to cry. Do not judge your voice. Sing loud enough to stir her beyond the white sun. Forgive. Inhale. Forgive her. Forgive yourself for being just like her. Exhale. Repeat as needed. Accept this as ritual. Accept this. Accept your feet are just like hers but will walk different paths. Accept you are the only one who can open her road. Accept you. Accept you are the only one who can."

—Broken excerpt from a favourite, Peggy Robles-Alvarado

That excerpt had got me thinking... I realise all the ways that I'm like my mum and trying to change myself almost feels like a rejection of her... it's almost like different waves of grief.

"Accept your feet are just like hers but will walk different paths."

At the same time, I feel like my mum would not want me to have the kind of life she had, so staying the same and not changing is painful also. Almost feel like I am betraying myself for wanting better, for wanting to be better. But accepting myself and loving myself shouldn't mean I should stay where I am. Being comfortable in the negative feelings of anxiety, lack of confidence, dear I say it, low self-esteem because somehow I've been made to feel like suffering is being authentic needs to change. In the words of Georgia Me—in her spoken word poem hit like a man:

"For who wants to live just to sufferPain is inevitable, it only makes tougherBut see, suffering is optional and I’ve made my choice"

I have to have the life I want for myself but feel my mum should have had. I have to reconcile myself with myself.