How to Make an Autistic Child

Why would you WANT to make a child autistic?

Well, you wouldn't. Except that ASD kids can be the coolest. They're happy, funny, smart, and can be quite talented.

Formerly known as idiot savants, children with autism don't think or act the way other children do, and they can be a lot of work, but they can be the very best at what they like to do.

It's exhausting! My son is 6. He can't dress himself, brush his teeth, wash his hair, or make a bowl of cereal. He throws toys all over the house, and messes up bookshelves or opens ALL the DVDs just for fun. But you should hear him play the drums!

They're amazing! I never knew how much language did not depend on the spoken word. My son can't really talk, but he's very expressive. He laughs or cries or he can do both at the same time. He makes the cutest little scrunchy face when he's frustrated. He points to things he wants, pushes the rest away, and never talks unless he has something important to say.

But, how did all this come to be? I used to think it was all my fault. And sometimes I think it still might be. Research has shown that autism is mostly caused by genetics. My brother has an Autistic son, and so I guess it comes from my side of the family. However... a large part of me feels like it's environmental as well. Increased air pollution, pesticides in the food, lead, and contaminates in the water can't be ruled out. These factors don't operate individually. The human body can only do so much to keep us healthy and if it's bombarded by too many obstacles, something will go wrong.

Nature and nurture. "Natural" factors such as genetics or pollution surely have a role to play, but maybe there's more to making an autistic child than that. Maybe the tendencies were nurtured. Just look at the symptoms of autism.

1. Low muscle tone. TV and video games don't build muscle.
2. Delayed speech. Who needs to talk when all their needs are automatically met?
3. Slow to potty train. Diapers make it too easy to put off training. Soon, it becomes a habit for both parent and child.
4. Obsessive behaviors. Brains get bored, even with an endless supply of tv and games... so line up and organize toys, learn every word and nuance in that song, find fidgets!
5. Social delays and lack of eye contact. Well, for us, we didn't go into public very often. We don't have a lot of money or time off work. We don't like to use a lot of gas and people are kind of stupid so, we stay home a LOT. Hence, there aren't a lot of opportunities to learn "normal" social habits.

So, in the end, when you put all the ingredients together, it's not hard to make an autistic child. Here's how I did it:

1. Be overweight.
2. Posses generic markers.
3. Wait until age 30+.
4. Live in a rural setting.
5. Have electronics in the home and allow use at a young age.
6. Limit social interaction.

Then, all you have to do is freak out, realize what you've done, try like hell to fix it, realize you can't, accept reality for what it is, see your autistic child do amazing things on his own, gain inner peace, work hard, and hope for a brighter future.